


you and me (and everything in between)

by skai_heda



Series: nephilim [1]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Shadow World Setting (Shadowhunter Chronicles), F/M, Forbidden Love, Friends to Lovers, Humor, Light Angst, Parabatai Bond, Violence, no prior knowledge of tsc required
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:34:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 61,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26584471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skai_heda/pseuds/skai_heda
Summary: "A parabatai is a pair of Nephilim warriors who fight together as lifelong partners, bound together by oath, regardless of their gender. Their bond is not reflected only in their closeness and willingness to lay down their lives for one another, but also in oath—one sworn in front of the Council."Suki has memorized these words, has said them in her head a million times even before she became Sokka's parabatai.She has also known that parabatai are forbidden from falling in love with each other. And it looks like she's about to find out what happens if that really does happen, for it could have far bigger consequences than anyone could have imagined.
Relationships: Katara/Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Suki (Avatar)
Series: nephilim [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2000719
Comments: 38
Kudos: 129





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [southernsraiders](https://archiveofourown.org/users/southernsraiders/gifts).



Suki sighs softly, putting her unlit seraph blade back in her belt. "I had that one, you know."

"Well, I got to it first," Sokka counters, grinning at her. "Besides, you've killed about ten demons already. Save some for me, will you?"

"Not the worst idea," Suki tells him, shaking her head. "There's demon blood all over me." 

Sokka winces sympathetically, making Suki roll her eyes. As usual, he's managed to kill a demon without getting anything on him except a few spots of blood from a cut on his cheekbone, looking as put together as ever. In the dim light of the alley, he looks _good,_ better than he should for demon patrol.

She glances away, swallowing. Sokka is her _parabatai._ Suki wasn't ever supposed to think of him as anything more than a friend, a partner in battle. One was never supposed to fall in love with their parabatai, unless they wanted to be in a shitload of trouble with the Clave and get their Marks stripped.

"Our shift's over," Sokka tells her, suddenly much closer to Suki than she remembers him being, staring at his watch. "We should go back to the Institute. Iroh's gonna have my head if we stay out late again."

"Right," Suki says, pulling out her phone. "Zuko is _already_ freaking out."

"He's _Zuko._ Of course he'll freak out," Sokka says, smiling slightly. "Let's go. I'm hungry."

"You're always hungry," Suki tells him, following him into the warm night.

* * *

The Los Angeles Institute glows from within, warm light illuminating the sand around it. Invisible to mortals, the towering structure of glass and metal sits less than half a mile from the ocean. Every major city in the world has an Institute, where it houses all the local Shadowhunters in the area.

Shadowhunters, or Nephilim, are a race of humans with angel blood in their veins that allow them to see what mundanes can't see, and fight those things, too. The world is always crawling with demons from other dimensions, and it's up to the Shadowhunters to kill them. Though they are already stronger and faster than regular humans, they are Marked with angelic runes that amplify their abilities—runes for strength, agility, healing, energy, and everything in between. There are some permanent runes, for marriage, the Sight (which allows you to see through all the various glamours cast by supernatural entities to hide their identities), and the parabatai rune.

Parabatai are a ritually joined team of two Shadowhunters, who can actually draw energy and strength from each other in battle. It joins them in a relationship stronger than blood, and they always fight together, no matter what.

When Suki had come to the Los Angeles Institute from the Tokyo Institute when she was around twelve, she had immediately let her mind run away with the idea of having a parabatai. There were two other kids who lived at the Los Angeles Institute, Sokka and Katara Nikisuittuk. Suki was friends with Katara first, but rapidly became closer to Sokka since they were closer in age. By the time she was fourteen, she had become his parabatai. It was one of the best choices of her life, but Suki can't help but somehow feel regret when she thinks about it sometimes.

_Parabatai are never to fall in love._

"Don't get blood on the kitchen floor!" Katara wails as Suki and Sokka traipse unceremoniously into the kitchen.

"You got pizza!" Sokka says, as if that's an excuse.

"Yeah, and you're not getting any of it until _both_ of you shower," Katara commands, stretching like a cat, revealing the permanent Speed rune peeking out from under the short sleeve of her shirt. Sokka grumbles something before going up to his room, and Suki casts one more despairing look at the food before heading to the showers.

Sokka is already there when Suki comes back down, arguing loudly with Zuko Herondale, the nephew of the Institute head, Iroh Zhen. Katara speaks softly with Aang Penhallow, who had moved to Los Angeles from Idris, the native Shadowhunter country, two years ago. 

"Someone's transferring from the Beijing Institute, did you hear?" Katara tells Suki as she sits down and grabs a slice of pizza. 

"Oh, yeah," Suki murmurs, covering a yawn with her hand and taking the empty seat next to Sokka that he had saved for her. "What's her name again?"

"Toph Beifong, I think," Zuko answers, temporarily putting his argument with Sokka on hold.

"A _Beifong?"_ Aang says, eyes wide. "They're like—a _super_ famous Shadowhunter family. I mean, Shadowhunters are all like, warrior heroes and stuff, but Beifongs? They are _the_ warrior heroes."

"The last Consul was a Beifong, right?" Katara asks. The Consul was the highest position in the Clave, which was the Shadowhunter government that consisted of every active Nephilim over the age of eighteen. 

"Yeah," Aang confirms, picking the pepperoni off of his pizza. Sokka watches with thinly disguised horror before taking the pepperoni for himself. "I wonder if Toph is going to be some crazy scary warrior."

"Probably," Zuko says, sneaking a glance at Katara as he so often does these days. They had hated each other when Zuko had come to the Institute four years ago, when Katara had been thirteen and Zuko, Suki, and Sokka had been fourteen. 

"How old is Toph anyway?" Suki asks.

"Fifteen," Katara answers. "She's as old as Aang."

"And probably scarier, too," Zuko says, reaching out to ruffle Aang's hair. 

"Yeah, yeah," Aang mutters, putting his chin in his hands. There are strange, older runes on his hands and on the back of Aang's neck in the shape of arrows, which had apparently been given to him by the Silent Brothers themselves, the doctors and scholars of the Shadow World. It had been the first thing Suki had noticed when Aang came to the Institute two years ago, and they've all been told that it was because Aang's now dead parents had wanted to give him some extra blessing from the angel Raziel. 

"Aren't you going to draw an _iratze_ on that?" Sokka asks, gesturing to the long cut on Suki's cheek. An _iratze_ was a healing rune, and Suki has a pretty bad habit of forgetting about smaller injuries. 

"I didn't even notice it was there," she says with a laugh, reaching for her stele, which was what they used to Mark each other's skin. 

"Wait, let me," Sokka says, pulling out his own stele. "It'll work better because parabatai magic."

"It's not magic," Suki says, and she pauses as Sokka holds her jaw with one hand and starts to slowly draw a healing rune on her other cheek. His tongue appears between his lips as he concentrates, and she suddenly becomes very interested in the dining table. 

"Done," Sokka tells her, taking his hand away from her face. She can feel her skin stitching back together, flooding her face with warmth. 

"Thanks," she says, flicking his hand when he tries to pour extra cheese all over her pizza. Looking up, Suki notices that everyone else is deep within their own conversations, and lets herself sink into that dull, hazy state of reality when it's just her and Sokka. "Patrol wasn't too bad today," he tells her, putting his chin in his hands. "Same as ever, really."

"You're sitting here talking to me about patrol like it's the weather," Suki observes. "Something up?"

Sokka sighs. "You know how Shadowhunters have to go on a travel year when they're eighteen?"

Suki winces. "Right. And they go without their parabatai, right?"

"See, that's what I'm excited about," he says with a grin. "Won't have to see your stupid face for a whole year."

She reaches out to yank on his ear. "I think I'll enjoy not seeing you _more."_

Sokka elbows her hard in the gut. "Shithead."

"Blah blah."

"As much as I would like to see you guys kill each other at the dinner table," says Zuko, picking up his plate and carrying it to the sink. "I think Katara's going to chop your head off if you get blood on the table again."

"See, all of you are making fun of me as if you guys like the idea of having someone else's blood all over your food," Katara says, wrinkling her nose at Zuko. The expression makes Zuko freeze for a moment, staring at Katara in wonder even though she isn't paying attention to him anymore. Sokka and Suki share identical smirks. 

"Unless you're a vampire," Aang counters.

"Or any Downworlder, really," Suki adds. A Downworlder was a supernatural entity that was neither Nephilim nor demon—there were vampires, faeries, werewolves, and warlocks. "You never really know what anyone likes."

"Hey, Sokka, Suki, did you guys decide where you want to go for your travel year yet?" Zuko asks, coming back to the dinner table. "Uncle Iroh needs you to decide within the next month."

"A month! Why are you asking us now then, genius?" Sokka exclaims.

"Because you're shit at deadlines," he answers simply, reaching for his gear jacket. He must be taking the night shift. "So I suggest that you decide within the next week."

"I kind of want to go to the Paris Institute," Suki says thoughtfully, taking a sip of her water. 

"Nope. That's where I'm going," Zuko answers with a smirk. 

"You owe me because you set my room on fire."

"He did _what?"_ Aang yelps.

"I replaced most of the things I burned!" Zuko replies indignantly. "Besides, I already told him I'm going to Paris."

"I'm going to snap your bones into pieces," Suki promises. 

"Yeah, _after_ I get back from Paris."

"Where do _you_ want to go?" Sokka asks Katara.

"I'm thinking maybe the Reykjavik Institute," she answers thoughtfully. 

"Why would you want to go all the way to _Iceland?"_ Sokka asks in disbelief. "Don't you want to go somewhere more... I don't know, exciting?"

"Iceland is interesting!" Katara protests. "Besides, I might change my mind. I'm not going until next year."

"I'm going for my shift," Zuko says. "Try not to set the Institute on fire while I'm gone?"

"Out of all of us, you're the only one who actually _has_ set the Institute on fire," Suki reminds him with a glare.

Zuko waves his hand. "Details."

"Who put him in charge?" Sokka asks after Zuko leaves.

"He _is_ the oldest," Aang reasons. 

"When's Iroh going to be back from Idris?" Sokka says through a yawn, his hand over his mouth. 

"You know how Clave meetings are," Katara mutters. "Nobody can come to a decision about anything."

"I actually _don't_ know how Clave meetings are, because though they say no one under eighteen is part of the Clave, it's technically no one under nineteen."

"Hopefully he'll be back soon," Suki sighs. "I'm going to go up to bed."

"Boring," Sokka mutters, but he rubs his eyes. Suki rolls her own eyes and hits the back of his head. "You should go to bed, too," she tells him. Suki's just about to leave when Sokka grabs her hand, before hissing in pain and pulling back.

Suki winces and holds her own hand to her chest. "What in the hell was that?"

"Hell of an electric shock you gave me," Sokka replies indignantly, rubbing his palms together. _"Jee-zus."_

"Afraid of a little electrocution, Sokka?" she says, smirking. "Besides, you shocked me."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Whatever," he sighs. "Look, I just wanted to say..."

Sokka bites his lip, and Suki tries not to stare. "What?" she asks.

His expression of uncertainty disappears and he grins at her. "Never mind. I forgot what I was going to say."

Suki knows Sokka well enough to tell when he's lying, but for the first time in her life she's uncertain. His smile is so convincing, and yet there's a nagging feeling in her gut that tells her otherwise.

"Okay," she says finally. "See you tomorrow, Sokka."

"See you."

Once she's upstairs, Suki feels a sharp burning just above her hip, causing her to gasp and pull the hem of her shirt up. It's her parabatai rune, standing out darkly against her pale skin, littered with dozens of scars from years and years of training.

_Why would my parabatai rune be burning?_

The burning fades, leaving Suki to just stare at the dark rune. She must have imagined it, because the rune still looks the same, and there's no injury blooming on her skin.

Although Suki's stomach still churns with unease, she climbs into bed, and she has no dreams.

* * *

Suki always wakes up early to go for a run on the beach. It's something Sokka would never be able to do, since he's barely coherent before nine in the morning, and it's something that Suki's quite proud of. When she comes back into the Institute with sweat pressing her hair to her forehead, she's greeted by the Institute cat, Appa, who purrs loudly and curls around her legs long enough for her to bend down and pet him. Appa then starts to make a most uncatlike growling noise, but everyone who lives in the Institute knows that's just his way of showing that he is very much enjoying his treatment. 

However, he seems to be a little impatient, and streaks away into the still dim house before Suki can be satisfied. "Stupid cat," she mutters, mostly affectionately as she takes her shoes off and ventures further into the house. She overhears soft voices in the kitchen, which is odd because Suki's always the first to wake up.

"—should've been looking out for yourself. God, you never listen, do you?"

"I'm _fine,_ Katara. You don't have to—"

"No, I _do_ have to, apparently. Are you trying to get yourself killed?"

Peering into the kitchen, Suki sees Zuko sitting in one of the dining chairs with his shirt torn open, a fairly serious wound on his chest. Blood drips onto the floor, and Katara seems to have forgotten her 'no blood in the kitchen rule.' She stands with one hand braced on the chair, slowly tracing a healing rune onto Zuko's skin. "You weren't even supposed to be out that late," she murmurs.

Zuko doesn't answer—he merely looks up at Katara with an expression so intense that Suki feels like she's watching a trainwreck—she wants to run, but at the same time she can't look away. It's clearly a private moment, and the longer Zuko stares at Katara, the more she wants to leave. Except, Suki would probably make noise and alert both of them to her presence.

"You know I'm not always going to be around to do this for you," Katara continues. "And if you don't even have the common sense to draw an _iratze_ on yourself, then—" She shakes her head. "You have a real shitty way of dealing with things, Zuko. I'll give you that."

"Katara—"

"You think I don't know why you're going to the Paris Institute? It's to find her, I know it is."

"My sister is none of your concern."

"She is, and you know it. She is everyone's concern, if she's still with your father."

Suki pales. Ozai Herondale was notorious for his extremist ideals of the purification of the Shadowhunter race, meaning the eradication of Downworlders and Nephilim interaction with them. 

"I know you still love Azula," Katara says, a bit more gently. 

"I don't. I just—"

He stops talking. Suki suddenly realizes that his hand is on Katara's waist. 

Her parabatai rune tingles, alerting her to Sokka's presence. Suddenly his face is right next to Suki's. "Who are we listening to?" he says quietly.

"Katara and Zuko," Suki answers softly. "I think they're about to make out."

She only has a split second to process what she said before grabbing Sokka's shirt to prevent him from going into the kitchen to pummel Zuko. "They're having a moment!" she whispers indignantly.

"So why are you standing here watching it?" Sokka counters.

Suki rolls her eyes and looks back into the kitchen. Zuko and Katara are _still_ staring at each other—she must have missed something important in the conversation or those two just gazed into each other's eyes for a full minute, which seems more likely.

"I can't take this anymore," Sokka groans before striding into the kitchen. "What a _night!"_ Suki hears him say loudly as Katara steps away from Zuko. "For both of us, it seems. Got yourself sliced open like a cake again, did you?"

Zuko gestures at his now healed skin. "Not anymore."

"So put a functional shirt on," Sokka counters. "I don't want to see all of that."

"Yes, you do," Zuko answers, but grabs one of his sweaters hanging from another chair. He really had a terrible habit of leaving his sweaters everywhere. "How was _your_ night exciting? You slept like a rock."

"Yeah, but I had weird dreams."

"What was it this time?" Suki asks. "Turn into a mushroom again?"

"It was only twice," Sokka answers reproachfully, pinching her arm. "No. I had a dream where Katara shot water out of her hands and punched Zuko in the face."

"That isn't exciting, half of that happened in real life!" Suki tells him. 

"Yeah, yeah," Sokka mutters, grabbing an apple from the basket in the middle of the dining table. "When is Toph Beifong coming to the Institute?"

Distantly, they hear a crash.

"That better not be the chandelier," Zuko deadpans.

"Looks like she might already be here," Katara says, and the four of them get to their feet and make their way to the entryway of the Institute. By the door, there's a large Portal, which can be created by warlocks and allows Shadowhunters to travel quickly from place to place. Out steps a rather short girl, with dark bangs and wearing a green jacket. Her long, dark hair is tied back into a large bun, and she raises her head to survey them critically. Sokka raises his eyebrows.

"She's blind," he says.

"And not deaf," the girl—Toph answers. "I'm Toph Beifong. Though I guess you already knew that."

"Hi, Toph," Katara says, nodding to the girl. "Welcome to the Los Angeles Institute. We're glad to have you."

"I'm sure you are," Toph answers coolly. Sokka and Katara exchange a mildly terrified glance. There's a permanent Sight rune on her right hand, just like every single other Shadowhunter, but it probably does nothing. "When's the next demon patrol shift?"

"Now!" a voice chimes, and they all look up to see Aang nearly tumble down the stairs wearing his gear. "Now. You wanna come with me?"

"Nuh uh. No way," Zuko says. 

"I'm fifteen!" Aang protests. 

"And I'm _eighteen,"_ he answers. "Two fifteen year olds on demon patrol isn't the safest choice."

"Toph's one of the greatest Shadowhunters of our generation," Katara says. "So I've heard. Maybe they can handle themselves."

Toph smiles slightly. "Did your research, I see."

Sokka opens his mouth to say something, but Suki steps on his foot. 

"Alright," Zuko concedes. He never did have the ability to say no to Katara. "But _be careful,_ alright? There's extra gear in the weapons room, Toph."

"Thanks, Zuko," Toph answers, before looking in what she must think is Aang's direction. "Lead the way?"

"Of course!" Aang replies, reaching out to take Toph's arm, presumably to guide her to the room. Suki only hears a small yelp and sees a blur of green clothing and black gear before she registers the image of Aang lying flat on his back, the victim of a perfect judo-flip by Toph. 

"I can just follow your footsteps," Toph says sweetly.

Aang coughs, clutching his gut as he gets to his feet. "That works, too."

The two of them walk away, and Zuko rubs the back of his neck. "As acting head of the Institute, I have to meet with the head of the Los Angeles vampire clan today, so I'll be busy pretty much all day. So if you guys need anything—"

Suki realizes he's talking to her and Sokka. "No, nope. Won't need anything. Katara—"

"I'm busy, too, before you ask," Katara answers. She doesn't seem to be in the mood to elaborate, so neither Sokka nor Suki push. And Zuko seems to already know what she's doing, for he just sighs and nods. "I guess you guys get to do nothing then."

"Jealous?" Sokka asks, wiggling his eyebrows.

"You wish," Zuko mutters, before turning to walk away, Katara in close pursuit.

"A whole day to kill," Suki says, smiling. "Beach day?"

Sokka grins. "Beach day."

* * *

An hour later, the two of them sit on a mostly empty segment of the beach, watching the waves crash against the shore. The air feels different today, and she finds herself looking at Sokka more often. She's seen him shirtless thousands of times, from training and countless other days spent at the beach. But there's something about the way the sun illuminates his skin and casts him in a golden light that makes Suki's heart pound.

 _He's your parabatai,_ she thinks to herself, shaking her head. _You should never, ever think of him like that._

"Hey, Suki," Sokka says, tapping her shoulder. Even the minimal contact sends waves of electricity through her blood, and she tries to get herself under control. "What?" she answers.

"You're a million miles away."

"I'm right here."

He smiles and shakes his head. "That's not what I meant." His own parabatai rune seems to glare at her harshly from where it is on his arm. Absentmindedly, he reaches up to touch it. "Remember Max Zhao?"

"Ugh," Suki groans, rolling her eyes. "Yeah. He called you stupid for choosing a girl as a parabatai and I punched him in the nose."

"Yeah, him," Sokka says, grinning. "Hell of a punch."

"I think he pissed himself," Suki says proudly. 

"Yeah," Sokka murmurs. "I never felt stupid for having a girl as a parabatai. Maybe some other me would have, when I was still some idiot little boy."

"So the way you were when we first met," Suki says, elbowing him.

"Yeah," he replies ruefully. "But I'm—I'm really glad you're my parabatai, you know? You're an amazing fighter. Better than me, probably."

Suki nods thoughtfully. "Yeah."

He turns his head to look at her, an expression of mock hurt on his face. _"Oh, Sokka, you're just as good as I am!"_ he says in a poor imitation of her voice. Suki just laughs and pushes him so that he falls sideways into the sand. She wants to put her arms and melt into his presence, lie in the sand with him forever. 

She can't have these thoughts, but lately, it's the only thing she can think about, and she can't understand why. Suki knows that she loves Sokka, that she loves him a lot. And still...

Suki bites her lip. It would be fine to just think about it this way, right? It would be fine because Sokka would never, _ever_ feel the same about her. Her stomach sinks at the thought of what he might think of her, if he knew what Suki thought of him. 

She feels that nearly apocalyptic pain in her hip again and shoots to her feet.

"What?" Sokka asks, looking up from where he lies in the sand. A muscle in his jaw twitches and he reaches for his arm. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Suki says, the pain already fading. "I just—I'll be right back, okay?"

He blinks, his grip on his arm loosening, the parabatai rune visible in between his fingers. "Okay."

Suki tries to smile at him before walking back to where they kept their stuff, close to the path that leads to the Institute. Swallowing, she lifts the hem of her tank top to look at her parabatai rune.

Again, nothing.

Swallowing uneasily, she puts her hand to the rune. The pain is nearly gone, having faded to a dull ache. There aren't any cuts or bruises around the area, as far as she can tell.

_Still think you're imagining it?_

Suki pulls the tank top down, sighing. She looks up to see Sokka staring at the ocean, his hand still on his arm. The sight of him makes her simultaneously calm and anxious, relief mixed with nervous anticipation. Her phone buzzes in the pocket of her shorts, and she pulls it out to see that it's just a text from Aang about food in the kitchen or something.

Sokka turns his head to look back at her, a question in his eyes. _You okay?_

She touches her parabatai rune again, and feels nothing except the dull, barely there hum that's always there whenever Sokka is near.

Nodding and smiling, she makes her way back to Sokka.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter is a bit short

_"In the actual ceremony held to bind the parabatai—referred to in name as "the Fiery Trial"—there will be three rings of fire on the ground: two for the individuals, and a third one in the middle that will serve as the shared ring, seemingly symbolizing the union or joining of the pair as parabatai. The words of the parabatai oath are spoken, and parabatai runes are exchanged and placed on each other._

_"The first two male Shadowhunters Jonathan and David fought side by side as the first parabatai. Tradition tells that the ritual they performed was quite different from the current one: they took each other's blood, spoke the words of the oath, and inscribed the runes of binding upon each other."_

_Sokka had seemed so small then. And Suki knows she must have seemed small to him, too._

_"Entreat me not to leave thee,_

_Or return from following after thee_ —

_For whither thou goest, I will go,_

_And where thou lodgest, I will lodge._

_Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God._

_Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried._

_The Angel do so to me, and more also,_

_If aught but death part thee and me."_

_She remembers stumbling over the words of the parabatai oath. Remembers Sokka's small, barely there smirk, temporarily outshining the anxiety of performing the ritual. Lifting her shirt to let Sokka draw the rune above the waistband of her pants, and then him lifting the sleeve of his own shirt to let her draw the rune on his arm. Bound together until the end of time._

_For whither thou goest, I will go._

* * *

Suki wakes to yelling downstairs.

Grabbing a short dagger from her nightstand after throwing on some clothes and her gear jacket, she races downstairs, only to find everyone sitting in the entryway and arguing loudly.

"We already have Appa!" Zuko says to Aang, who is, for some reason, sitting on the floor next to Sokka, who holds something white in his hands. "We don't need anything else!"

"But he already loves us!" Sokka protests, holding the thing up for everyone to see. It's a small white cat, with bright green eyes. 

"That is not a cat," Suki mutters, lowering her blade. "I think that's a demon."

"Hasn't tried to eat me yet," Sokka replies cheerfully.

"Yeah, _yet!"_ Katara exclaims.

"Come on, pet him," Sokka says, scratching the cat behind his ears. 

Katara sighs. "I'll pass."

"Besides, our Sensor didn't go off when Toph and I found her!" Aang says brightly. "And a Sensor detects demonic activity, so—Momo's not a demon!"

"You _named_ him?" Zuko asks in alarm.

"Of course we named him," answers Aang indignantly. "How would you feel if your parents hadn't named you?"

"Maybe I would've been better off if they hadn't, because I'm sure my father wanted to name me 'worthless shithead' when I came out of the womb." His tone is joking and his expression is light, but Suki doesn't miss the way Katara glances sideways at him.

"What's with the gear, Suki?" Sokka asks, looking up at her standing on the stairs. 

"What the hell am I supposed to do if I wake up to you idiots yelling as if a demon got into the Institute?"

"Demons can't actually enter the hallowed ground of the Institute," Aang says, lifting his index finger. "More proof that Momo is not a demon."

"Well, they don't call Suki the best Shadowhunter of our generation for nothing," Toph says, going to sit next to Sokka and pet Momo. 

"I thought they called you that," Suki answers, grinning.

Toph waves her hand. "You can have two."

"Well, now that I'm ready for it," Suki sighs. "I'm taking the day patrol. Sokka?"

"Katara and I wanted to take day patrol, actually," Zuko says. Katara's expression doesn't change, but Suki knows her well enough to tell that she wasn't expecting that.

"Fine, Suki and I will take the overnight patrol, and Toph and Aang can have the evening patrol. You guys did fine last time, right?"

"They brought home a cat," Katara says.

"And killed demons," Toph adds with a sweet smile.

"First Paris, and now the day shift," Suki sighs, knocking her shoulder into Zuko's. "Must you take _everything_ from me?"

Zuko sighs. "I must."

She shakes her head. "I'm going to train."

"You're always training," Sokka complains.

"So are you!"

* * *

Training isn't easy, but it's simple. It's uncomplicated, and despite all the cuts and bruises and broken bones, it puts Suki's mind at ease. Years and years of the same forms, knuckles split by the rough leather of various punching bags. Leaping off of the beams in the training room, learning to land on her feet without breaking bones. She admires the unchanging constancy of training, the inevitable injuries and sore spots on her body.

"Hey."

She turns to see Sokka in the doorway of the training room, hands hanging loosely at his sides. His parabatai rune peeks out from under the short sleeve of his t-shirt. "Hi, Sokka," Suki answers, pushing her sweat-soaked hair out of her face. "Are you training with me?"

"Well, I kind of wanted to talk to you about something first."

Suki glances down at her bleeding knuckles.

"I could take a break," she replies.

Sokka goes over to a table and tosses her one of the rolls of bandages for her to wrap her hands in. "It's about my parabatai rune."

Suki's glad she's looking down at her hands so Sokka can't see her expression. "What about it?"

He braces a hand on the table and looks at her. "It—"

Sokka trails off and tilts his head more so he can study her expression. "You know what? It's probably nothing."

"Well, now you can't just leave me hanging like that," Suki murmurs, holding her hands up to examine the bandages. "And now I want to know."

"It's not a big deal," he answers hastily. "I swear, Suki. 

She puts a hand on his shoulder. "If it is, you'll tell me. Because we're _parabatai._ Yeah?"

"Yeah," he replies, shrugging off her hand. Suki's hand hovers in midair for a moment before she lets it drop to her side. _He knows,_ she thinks. _He knows what's been happening to me and what I've been thinking about him and he doesn't want to be my parabatai anymore._

Swallowing, she looks away. Overthinking is Katara and Zuko's job, not hers. "Have Toph and Aang left for their patrol yet?"

He nods, his serious expression melting into something lighter. "They have, but Katara and Zuko aren't back yet."

Suki wiggles her eyebrows suggestively at him, and Sokka puts his face in his hands. "Oh, _god._ I don't even want to think about what they might be doing."

"They might not even be doing anything like that," Suki assures him. "Maybe they're on a date or something."

The thought seems to incense Sokka. "Zuko on a date—with my sister?"

"I know, I know," Suki sighs in mock sympathy. "I know you wanted to be the one to go on dates with Zuko."

Sokka shrugs. "I was still a better choice than the last girl he dated. What was her name?"

"Mai. And she was actually _nice!"_

"She carried knives everywhere!"

"We're _Shadowhunters,_ Sokka. Everyone does that," Suki tells him. "She's really cool. And sweet, if I really think about it."

"She was only ever rude to me," Sokka pouts.

"Yeah, well, that's your problem, not hers," Suki tells him with a grin. "You're infuriating. It's a wonder she didn't actually kill you with her knives."

"Parabatai," Sokka declares stiffly. "Are meant to be _supportive_ of each other."

Suki nudges his arm with her shoulder. "Didn't know you were such a _sissy,_ Sokka."

He frowns. "Are Shadowhunters legally allowed to be sissies? I think that would kind of ruin the whole—angel-human demon hunter warrior hero aesthetic."

"If it's illegal then you've definitely broken the Law a million times," Suki tells him. "The Law is hard—" she sing-songs.

"—but it is the Law," Sokka finishes, and she can't help but notice how uncharacteristically weary he sounds when he recites the Shadowhunter motto that has been drilled into all of them since they could even process words. _Sed lex, dura lex._ "The Law kind of sucks sometimes, doesn't it?"

"And now you sound like a Blackthorn," Suki says with a small laugh. The Blackthorns were an old Shadowhunter family, nearly as old as the Beifongs themselves, and their motto was _Lex malla, lex nulla._ A bad Law is no Law.

"You know what?" Sokka sighs. "I will train. It's been a while since I punched something, since you didn't let me punch Zuko yesterday morning."

"Oh, _sorry,"_ Suki mutters. "You wanna spar me?"

His eyes widen. "Absolutely not." It was a bit odd, but most of the time Sokka wholly refused to spar Suki. He claims that it's because she'll have him beat in seconds, and he isn't sure whether his ego can handle that. 

"Everybody gets beat up sometimes!" she says.

"Yes, but you beat me up _every time,"_ Sokka sighs. "I'm a good Shadowhunter. But I'm not as good as you, Suki." His voice sounds so achingly sincere that it makes Suki's face flood with warmth, and she has to glance away. 

"Thanks, Sokka," she says. "But we're parabatai. Which means you're just as good as me."

"In general, maybe," he says. "Definitely not in sparring."

She grins. "Yeah, okay."

* * *

"Bit chilly tonight, isn't it?" Sokka mutters, walking down the deserted alley. "It's only July and it's _California._ Makes no sense."

 _"Sis-sy,"_ Suki murmurs, elbowing him in the gut. "Bothered by a little cold?"

"I'm high-maintenance," he says in a matter-of-fact tone. "Of course I'm bothered by a little cold."

Something in the pocket of Suki's gear pants begins to pulse and buzz. 

"Phone?" Sokka asks, his childish and immature nature immediately melting away, revealing the sharp, dangerous warrior beneath.

"Sensor," Suki replies, lowering her voice as she pulls out a seraph blade, the glowing blades that are the only ones you can use to kill most demons with one strike. _"Nuriel,"_ she murmurs, saying the name of an angel in order to properly ignite and activate the blade. The blade bursts into life, illuminating the dark alley.

"I always liked watching you do that," Sokka says appreciatively, pulling out his own seraph blade. _"Ananiel."_

Suki sees them first—glittering eyes in the darkness, large bodies illuminated by the light of the blades as they creep closer to the pair.

"Jesus _Christ,"_ Sokka groans, raising his blade. Suki would echo those words if she wasn't so focused on fighting the creatures that appear before them, much larger than she had initially anticipated. There are also less of them than she thought—one for her and one for Sokka. Gigantic moth demons.

"I hate moth demons," Sokka sighs.

"Me, too," Suki replies, and together, they throw themselves into the fray. The demons spit acid, burning spots into the pavement. 

"And they smell horrible, too!" Sokka yells, dodging a large talon and weaving through two columns of acidic spit to try and get to the body of the demon. The wings of Suki's own demon create a strong wind, and Suki isn't particularly tall or big—she has to avoid the wind of the wings to get to the large body of it.

In her peripheral vision, she sees Sokka dispatch the demon, watches it explode into dust. Suki is just about to reach up and stab her seraph blade through the body of her own demon, when the sudden pain in her waist knocks the wind out of her completely, allowing the moth demon to rake it's sharp talons across her gut and send her flying. She hears Sokka yelp, and it's a moment before he runs to her body, a moment presumably spent killing the demon.

"Hey, what the _hell?"_ Sokka asks sharply, but she can hear the panic in his voice. Her vision is fading, black and red spots dancing around the corners. It feels as though someone has cut her open from the inside, and her entire body tingles. "You had that, Suki," he murmurs, hastily pushing away her torn gear jacket and lifting the shirt underneath to look at the gaping wound. "Oh, god," he says, trying to press his hands to the blood flowing copiously down her stomach. "Jesus Christ. Jesus _fucking_ Christ."

"Stele," she chokes out. "Get your stele and draw a healing rune."

With shaking hands he reaches into his pocket, withdrawing the small, wandlike object they use to draw the runes. "What happened, huh? You had it. You could've killed it easily."

He draws an _iratze_ on the wound. It fades immediately, which means one of two things—either the person is already dead, or the wound is too bad for it to be healed by the rune.

"M—maybe your hands were shaking too much for you to draw it right," she tries to assure him, but blood trickles out of her mouth when she opens it, making her stumble over her words. "Draw it again."

"It's poisoned," he says, and he's right. The skin around the wound has turned faintly green.

"Draw it _again,"_ Suki repeats.

"Right," Sokka breathes. "Right."

He draws the rune again, and they watch it fade into her skin.

"No, no, _no,"_ he mumbles under his breath. _"No."_

"No," Suki echoes, but for a different reason. "We—we can do it. You and me. We're always stronger when we're together." She reaches up and puts her hand around his. "Draw it again."

Sokka holds her gaze with his own as together, they begin to move the stele again. "It's working," she says. "Sokka, I can feel it working." Pieces of her skin, stitching together slowly. 

On her stomach, the healing rune begins to glow.

"Sokka," she says again, leaning forward and letting her head fall against his shoulder. "It's working."

His thumb digs into her hand as they complete the rune together, and it glows long after he lifts his stele. Strength seeps back into her bones, and her vision clears.

"Didn't know about that trick," he breathes, trembling with relief. _"Suki."_ He reaches out to wrap his arms around her, holding her tightly to him. He pulls away, eyes blazing. "What the _hell_ happened, huh? That demon was _nothing_ for you.

"Sokka, I—"

She trails off, quite unsure of what to say. A part of her knows that she can never tell him what's happening with the parabatai rule, but it goes against everything else—she's never ever lied to him about anything important.

"Our shift's almost over," she says instead. 

He swallows. "Can you stand?"

"I think so."

She uses the wall behind her to push herself up. 

"You know I'm not going to just forget about this, right?" Sokka tells her. "I'm gonna find out what happened because that? Back there? That wasn't you."

"So what do you suggest?" she asks tiredly.

Sokka rubs the back of his neck, glancing at her torn gear jacket. "We go see the Silent Brothers."

"No!" she exclaims immediately. "I mean—no. That's not necessary."

Sokka glances sideways at her. "If you're hiding something, Suki, I'm the best out of all people that you should tell. You know that, don't you?"

"It's not that I'm hiding something," she says sharply. "I just don't like the Silent Brothers, alright? They scare me."

He reaches out and grabs her wrist, forcing her to look at him.

"You're not scared of anything, Suki," Sokka says softly.

"Also true," she answers, pulling her hand out of his grasp. "Just—trust me on this one, Sokka. I don't want to see the Silent Brothers."

"So tell me what happened," he counters. It's a stalemate now.

_Lie._

"You know how I'm always getting injured and forgetting about it," she says, averting her gaze to make it seem as though she's embarrassed about it. "I think I might've screwed up my hip on a demon patrol."

Sokka frowns. "I think if you had a broken hip, you would've noticed earlier."

"I never said it was broken," she mutters, fishing out the Institute car keys (technically it was Iroh's) and unlocks the car when they approach it a few blocks later. As she climbs into the car, trying to not get blood on the upholstery, she turns to look at Sokka. "Besides, whatever spooky parabatai magic we did back there must've fixed it."

Sokka looks skeptical. "Seems pretty convenient to me."

"I'm not lying to you, Sokka."

"No, I guess you aren't," he sighs, starting the car. "What do you want to tell the others when you get to the Institute looking like this?"

"I'll tell them the truth. I'll tell them that we had a problem with a demon at the end of our shift, and I got injured. It looks bad, but you healed me with an _iratze."_

Sokka smiles, but it is strained. "So I guess we aren't going to tell them about how severe the injury was and the part where the rune didn't work?"

"Selective truth, Sokka."

"Right."

For the first time in a long time, they spend the car ride back to the Institute in silence.

* * *

After being heavily berated by Katara (and a few stern looks from Zuko in support of Katara), Suki finally goes up to shower. For a long time, she watches the blood mix with water and disappear down the drain, and feels sick with the idea of lying to Sokka. 

Not that he entirely bought it, but she still feels bad. One never really lies to their parabatai, no matter what. 

Shaking her head, she steps out of the shower and hastily throws on some clothes. She feels bone-tired, from both the patrol and the weight of lying to Sokka. She glances down at the parabatai rune at her hip, remembering the way Sokka had looked at her during patrol, like she was the only person in the entire world.

Suki knows he's going to look at someone else like that, one day. He's going to get married and as his parabatai, Suki's going to be there, giving him away to the bride—or the groom. Hell, she's already seen him with several girlfriends, and yet whenever she tries to fully conjure up an image of Sokka with someone else, there's nothing.

She lets herself imagine that _she's_ in that place—having Sokka look at her like that, touch her freely, see her immediately after he wakes up. Suki imagines a world where Sokka somehow falls in love with _her,_ and she falls in love with—

Her parabatai rune begins to burn again, as if warning her to stop, telling her to stop having these thoughts. There's no point in thinking about something that could never happen.

The burn fades slightly. _Control. That's all a Shadowhunter needs in the end. Perfect control._

Suki takes several deep breaths, hands braced against the countertop of her bathroom. Control. That's all she needs. And she needs to remember that no matter what, at the end of the day, she is Sokka's parabatai. Nothing more. Nothing less.

 _"Entreat me not to leave thee,"_ she murmurs under her breath, tucking herself into her bed, _"Or return from following after thee_ — _"_

_"For whither thou goest, I will go,_

_And where thou lodgest, I will lodge._

_Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God._

_Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried._

_The Angel do so to me, and more also,_

_If aught but death part thee and me."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta'd by the amazing cece !! comments and kudos are hella cool


	3. Chapter 3

Zuko's already wake when Suki comes downstairs in the morning to go for her run. He leans against the kitchen counter, pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand and touching the scar around his eye with the other. 

Many years ago, before Iroh took the position as the head of the Los Angeles Institute, Ozai Herondale had led a calculated attack against the Clave. Zuko had been apprehended by his father in the battle, and with some demonic magic, he had scarred his face forever. Suki remembers that it had taken nearly a year after they met him until he finally told him how he got the scar.

"Zuko?" she asks, stepping into the kitchen. "What's up?"

He looks up shaking his head. "Uncle Iroh's detained in Alicante." Alicante was the capital of the Shadowhunter country Idris, and Suki could feel her heart starting to pound. 

"Detained in Alicante?" she asks, leaning against the middle island in the kitchen. "What happened?"

Zuko sighs and rubs the back of his neck. "It's... it's my father. He sent a message to the Clave while a meeting was in session and he threatened to lead an attack on the city. That's why it's on lockdown and Iroh can't come back to the Institute."

"Could be an empty threat," Suki reasons, more to assure him than to state fact.

"Maybe," he replies, shaking his hair. It's still damp—droplets of water land all over her forehead, and Suki indignantly wipes it away before reaching out to slap Zuko's ear. "Sorry. Anyways, there _is_ a possibility that it means nothing, but it would be irresponsible to take it seriously."

"And where the _hell_ would your father gather enough resources or people to lead forces against Alicante?" she asks him. 

"Don't underestimate my father," he answers tiredly. "He had plenty of resources when he did this to me." Zuko reaches up and points to his scar. "Look, it's just—I'm just really stressed. I think I'm in way over my head with this whole business of running an Institute. And if something happens in Alicante—"

"Nothing will happen in Alicante," Suki tells him. "Zuko, hey. When they realize that it's going to be nothing, Iroh _will_ come home, alright?"

"Kee, I don't know," Zuko sighs, and she looks up. Zuko barely ever calls her that. "It's just getting worse. More and more Shadowhunters are joining my father's cause, and my sister Azula..." He shakes his head. "Never mind. It's not your job to worry about it."

"But it is my job to worry about you," Suki says, crossing her arms. "You and I are good friends, aren't we?"

He blinks. "Of course we are."

"So be honest with me," Suki sighs. "Zuko, I know you must be going through a lot right now with this issue being tied so closely to your family and you running the Institute. But you have us, alright? I don't think you've ever understood in all the years I've known you, but you don't have to do everything alone."

Zuko glances up at her. "Do you think there might be a war, Suki?"

Suki rubs the back of her neck. "There's always some war or another, Zuko."

"My father wants to destroy the Accords. He wants to make us go to war against the Downworlders and eradicate them, and the worst thing is—he's gathering support. And with Azula... I don't know how she actually feels about the actual issue at hand. Maybe she wants it, too, but it's more to please my dad than anything else. Suki, imagine that we keep acting like this isn't happening and then Ozai uses all that time to assemble an army. You and I both know damn well that there are a lot of backwards-thinking Shadowhunters who thing they're the most superior beings to walk this planet. And suddenly that war doesn't seem so unrealistic anymore, does it, Kee? Nephilim against Nephilim, and then Nephilim against warlock, vampire, werewolf, and faerie. And I don't know who'll win, but there's going to be death. Lots of it. You'd think a couple of X-Men comics or even just World War Two would make him realize what a bad idea this is, right? My father won't realize. He has a goal, and he'll stop at nothing, kill anyone to achieve it." Zuko shakes his head. "You're right, Suki. There _is_ always a war. We just aren't ready to fight it yet, and that's what'll make us lose."

Suki can't think of anything to say in response to that. Zuko has a point, she realizes, and it makes her skin crawl with dread. They've all been acting normal here, joking about their travel years and going on regular demon patrols, but Suki shudders at the thought of how everything could go really bad really fast.

"Sorry I just hit you will all of that," Zuko mutters with a small, self-deprecating laugh. "I'm just really worried."

"I'm the one who asked you to be honest with me, you moron," Suki says, flicking his shoulder. "Look. I'll admit that there's not either any of us can do right now. But you don't have to keep all of that inside all the time. Besides, it's smart."

"It _is_ smart," he replies. "But no one will listen to us. We're just kids."

"You're the head of the Institute," she reminds him. "If there's any _kid_ that the Clave will listen to right now, it's you."

Zuko shakes his head. "I'm not the official Institute head. I was made the head in a moment of emergency when Iroh was called away to Alicante. It's like leaving the oldest sibling in charge for fifteen minutes to make sure the kids don't cut each other's heads off." He runs a hand through his hair. "It's why I wanted to go to Paris, actually. Azula's been spotted there by Shadowhunter scouts sent by the Clave to search the world for my father and sister. And I know it was on purpose—Azula would never be spotted that easily. It's like she—it's like she _wants_ someone to find her, and it's like she wants it to be me."

"Why? Your sister hates me. She probably just wants to find you so she can kill you."

"Azula doesn't _know_ anything other than doing whatever my dad wants," Zuko reasons, but Suki can see a touch of desperation in his Herondale gold eyes. She's heard him talk about how much Azula and his father essentially tortured him after his mother disappeared, but Suki realizes that he must really love his sister, if he still has faith.

Her heart aches at the possibility that sometimes Zuko only sees a hazy and probably false memory of a childhood with a sister he loved. He glances at Suki's expression. "Don't get me wrong. I don't have some delusional idea that she's doing this against her will and it's because I want to save her or something. I just think that I'm the only one who knows her well enough to take her down."

"Zuko."

"Don't look at me like that, Suki."

Suki shakes her head. "Alright, Zuko. But you really need to be more honest with yourself."

"I don't love Azula," he insists vehemently. "Azula always lies."

"Yeah," Suki says absentmindedly. Her parabatai rune tingles—Sokka's awake. "She does."

* * *

"Suki?"

"Yeah?" she replies, keeping her hands on the wheel of Iroh's car. She and Sokka are driving to the city for the first part of their patrol. "What's up?"

"Things are weird," Sokka says softly. 

"In general?"

Sokka shrugs, shaking hair out of his eyes. "Yeah, I guess. With everything going on in Idris and with Zuko's dad. But also a bit with us."

Suki's rune starts to burn and she struggles to keep her breathing even. "Well, what makes you say that, Sokka?"

"You're being so _clinical_ with me, Suki," Sokka sighs. "Like—you don't have to be so formal, alright? Feels like I'm losing you a little."

Suki blinks, hoping he doesn't know how tight her hands are on the wheel to keep from touching her parabatai rune. "You're not losing me, Sokka. But at the same time..." She glances sideways. "Sokka, don't you ever think about how the older we get, the farther we'll be?"

He tilts his head to the side. "We're parabatai, Suki. We won't ever really—"

"I know. We're always going to be parabatai. But we're not always going to be kids." She looks back at the road. "I mean, I'm guessing you'll probably get married at some point, and I—I will, too. And even though we're parabatai, we'll eventually have our own lives. It's not always going to be just _us."_

Suki's almost proud of how good of an excuse she's managed to cook up for her behavior on such short notice, but she never, _ever_ likes being dishonest with Sokka."

"Suki, I—marriage is—it's—" Sokka trails off, spluttering. "I never—I never thought we would be worrying about that now. Or for a really long time."

"You're gonna fall in love with someone at some point," Suki sighs.

Sokka blinks. "Why are we talking about this?"

She relaxes her grip on the steering wheel, just slightly. "I'm just saying that—maybe me not talking to you as much is a natural part of growing up. Look, Sokka, I'm not hiding anything from you."

"Aren't you?"

Suki exhales softly. "No. But both of us hate codependency."

Sokka scoffs. "Being parabatai isn't the same as _codependency,_ Suki."

"I know—I'm sorry. This is just coming out all wrong," she says in one breath, shaking her head. "I don't mean for it to be this way. But sometimes I don't spend as much time with you and it's natural."

"I'm not being clingy. I know we have our own lives, even if they're so closely tied together. But you have to understand that I'll be worried about you if you suddenly start to act like you can't stand to look at me."

"It's not like that, Sokka! And I'm not acting like that."

He shrugs. "Okay, that was a bit of an exaggeration. But I can see it going that way. It makes me sad, but I—I've come to terms with the fact that you and I won't always be this close. But I just don't want you to be a total stranger to me."

"You know me, Sokka. I'm never gonna be a stranger to you."

He stares at her for a long time, and it makes her feel like she's falling. "No," he murmurs decisively, as if he can peer into her soul and see everything that's in there. The thought simultaneously scares her and calms her. "I guess you won't be."

"Don't overthink it, Sokka," she says quietly. "I'm right here, okay? I always will be."

"I know, Suki."

She takes several deep breaths.

"Sokka, can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, duh."

She looks at him before looking back to the road ahead. Above them, the Los Angeles sun burns, tinging everything in a hazy golden glow. "Do you ever regret being my parabatai?"

"Absolutely not," he says immediately, his hand instinctively going to the rune on his arm. "Why would you ever even ask that?"

Suki grinned, trying to hide whatever it is she feels. "I was just wondering, dude."

He laughs. "Scared me for a minute there, Suki."

_I regret it sometimes. I regret sitting here and not being able to tell you how much I love it when you say my name and when you look at me as if I'm the best thing you've ever seen._

"I suppose you don't regret it, do you?" Sokka says. His voice is light, but in Suki's peripheral vision, she can tell that he's watching her carefully, his blue eyes calculating.

"I don't."

He looks at her for some time. "You do."

She shakes her head, smiling again, but it's strained. "Sokka, becoming your parabatai is one of the best choices I've ever made."

Sokka sighs. "Is this why you're not avoiding me?"

Suki glances at him, alarmed. "Sokka—"

"I know you _so_ much better than that," he says, his joking manner gone. "Suki, did you really think you had me fooled back there?"

She laughs slightly, but there's no humor behind it. "Yeah."

"Don't joke around, Suki, for _once."_

"I'm not the _comedian_ here, Sokka. I mean, I am extremely funny, probably much funnier than you—"

"Suki, just be _serious_ with me. There's something going on with you and I don't—I'm just trying to be there for you! But these past few days you've just been hiding something from me and you _have_ been looking at me as if it makes your entire body hurt. I don't know if you realize that, but it's true." He shakes his head. "Suki, it's actually not just the past few days. It's like one day you woke up and you realized that you couldn't stand me anymore."

"That's not true."

"So _tell_ me the truth."

_I love you. I realized that I love you and I can never have you the way I want to because you and I are parabatai._

"There's no truth to tell. You're just misunderstanding the whole thing."

He exhales softly. "I used to be able to take one look at you and just know what was going on in your head. Now it's like I don't know you at all."

"For _god's_ sake, Sokka—"

"Forget it," he says quietly. "Maybe you're right, maybe I am. All I wanted was for you to be honest with me, and I know that isn't happening right now. Believe me, I've known you long enough to know when you're lying to me about something. I wish I knew what it was."

"I'm having an affair."

_"Suki."_

"I'm pregnant."

"Suki, come on."

She looks at him. "I reestablished the Soviet Union," she says, deathly serious.

"Please."

Gritting her teeth, she takes one hand off the wheel to put it on Sokka's shoulder. "Okay. You're right. It's not as serious as you think it is, but there is something that's been bothering me, and it's just the whole thing about how we'll eventually grow apart. I'm just overthinking it, dude. You know how I tend to get way into my head about things."

To her immense relief, he relaxes slightly. "Yeah, I do."

"Have a little more faith in me, Sokka," she says with a slight laugh, feeling a little sick. "Yeah?"

Sokka nods and tilts his head down. "Yeah."

* * *

"Suki."

She opens her eyes slowly, and sees a dark figure standing over her. She reaches for the seraph blade hilt on her nightstand, but someone grabs her hand. "Relax, Suki. It's just me."

"Jesus, Sokka," she breathes, moving her hand to turn the light on instead. "Nearly scared me to death."

"Sorry about that," he murmurs, not sounding sorry. His face is inches from hers. "Suki, I had to tell you something."

Her heart begins to pound. "It better be worth waking me up at god knows when."

Sokka's fingers curl around her arm.

"I think it's worth it," he says.

"Sokka—"

"I love you," he breathes, resting his forehead against hers. Everything seems to glow. "God, Suki, I should have told you earlier."

"Sokka, you can't—the parabatai Law—"

"I don't care about the parabatai Law," he says, his voice strained, his nose aligned with hers. "Me loving you as always been bigger than the Law."

Suki closes her eyes. When she opens them, Sokka is actually a foot away, staring at her curiously. "Suki, I've been trying to get your attention for a whole minute and you're just staring at me. It's weird."

"You—I—" She shakes her head. "You're right, Sokka. I did lie to you."

He tilts his head. "About _what?"_

She reaches out and wraps her fingers around the collar of his shirt. "This," she mutters, and surges forward to kiss him. He pushes her away within half a second, looking alarmed. 

"Suki, what the hell?" he asks indignantly.

She blinks. Everything appears to melt and shift. "I thought—"

"You thought _what?"_

"Sokka—"

"That's just—Jesus, Suki. That's—don't you _ever_ do that again, alright? We are _parabatai._ We are never supposed to do that. That's just so wrong and disgusting on so many levels."

Suki blinks again. When she opens her eyes, she's lying in bed, and she's alone.

Dreaming. How stupid.

"Christ," she mumbles, rolling over.

_You know that's the truth of the whole situation._

_You know that if you're ever stupid enough to tell him that you're so hopelessly in love with him, he'll never forgive you._

_It's wrong._

Her heart still pounds, that dreadful anxiety still coursing through her veins.

_It's wrong._

Suki can't avoid him. Suki can't just act as if this has never, ever happened, because a few days of not talking to Sokka won't just magically make her not love him.

Her fingers creep to the parabatai rune. _I have always been yours, one way or another._

The thought infuriates her. 

_I was never supposed to fall in love with you._

She drags herself out of bed. 

_But I do love you._

_How do I stop loving you?_

Suki would go back in time if she could. She would run into the Silent City where the parabatai ceremony was performed, and she'd stop it all.

_Is this really what it's come to, Suki? Regretting have a parabatai just because of a moment of confusion?_

It couldn't have been a moment of confusion. Somehow she has always, _always_ known, and she hates herself for it.

_(i was never supposed to fall in love with you.)_

Suki shakes her head. She has to understand that there are larger problems than this—and with everything Zuko had told her a few days ago, she has to consider the possibility that there might actually be a war.

And that she'll have to fight for her life.

* * *

Sokka appears to be waiting for her when she comes downstairs.

"Sokka?" she asks, tilting her head to the side. "You're never up this early."

"What's going on with your parabatai rune?" he asks abruptly.

Suki's heart drops to the floor. "What?"

"I've been trying to figure out what's been going on with you. And I've been thinking and thinking about your behavior, and the time when that demon nearly _killed you—"_ He shakes his head. "Be honest with me, Su. _Please."_

"Sokka."

"Don't deny it," he breathes, sitting down on the stairs. "That day on the beach, and that night on patrol. You held it as if it was like, set on fire or something. And I've seen you touch it so many times since then reflexively when it started hurting and you didn't even notice."

"You're my parabatai," she says defensively. "Have you felt it?"

He looks up, staring at her. "No."

"No."

"Suki, come on! I thought that you and I agreed to be on the same level here, but I was right! Something is going on here and you won't tell me, you won't talk to me, you won't listen to me, you won't even take me _seriously—"_

"Oh, don't be so offended, Sokka," she snaps. "Not everything is about you."

He scoffs. "Oh, this is _not_ that. Stop twisting the situation."

"I'm not twisting the situation!"

"Why didn't you just tell me?" he hisses. "It doesn't seem like something illegal, so why couldn't you just tell me that it was hurting!"

"Oh, for god's sake—"

"I seriously don't know you anymore," he mutters. "Okay. Maybe you had a reason to hide it from me. But you continued to lie about it, and I don't understand why."

"Why are you acting so _wounded,_ Sokka?"

"Because you and I, we're supposed to trust each other with this sort of thing!" he exclaims. "This is serious, alright? Something could be seriously wrong, and you're having some sort of _crisis_ that's made it impossible for you to talk to me right most of the time."

"You're being stupid," she decides. "And dramatic."

"Yeah, right." Sokka shoots to his feet. "Let something horrible happen to you and see if I care."

"Oh, eat _shit,_ Sokka."

"You—!" He shakes his head. "You're—you shouldn't have lied to me."

"Oh, grow up. People lie all the time," she snipes.

"Not to their parabatai," he shoots back. "Not to their best friend."

_Best friend._

"Sokka."

"Just fucking forget it," he sighs, and Suki's lips part. He never swears at her, not seriously. "You wanna lie to me about big things? Fine. I don't give a shit anymore. Do whatever you want, Su."

"Don't—"

"Don't tell me anything," Sokka tells her, getting up to turn his back on her and walk upstairs. "I'm going back to bed."

Suki stands in the entryway for a long time after he leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no beta this time, excuse grammatical errors


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta'd by the infinitely wonderful iman and cece !!

The sound of a heavily disemboweled dummy is a satisfying sound, Suki thinks. She hasn't seen Sokka all day, not since their argument that morning—and it's good, too, because she's not sure she could stand the sight of him without wanting to break down or punch him in the face.

Suki laughs softly to herself, lowering her blade. She scarcely uses real seraph blades during training, so now she just works with a regular sword that casts a dim bronze glow over the darkened corner of the Institute's training room. It's almost funny to her, the way things have turned out—like every single aspect of being someone's parabatai had been turned inside out by her. Never fall in love with your parabatai, never lie to your parabatai, never ever think of harming your parabatai...

She shakes her head, lifting the sword again. Training is safe. Training is constant. In the end, she was a Shadowhunter, and a damn good one at that.

"You know what I find really funny about us?" Suki hears someone say, and she turns around to see Katara standing in the doorway, wearing her gear. "Shadowhunters have _no_ idea how to deal with emotions. They get sad, they hit things. They get upset, they hit things. It's interesting."

Suki eyes her warily. "Hitting things is one of the only things that makes sense to us. Maybe that's why we do it so much."

"Unless you're Sokka," Katara replies. "He'll either mope around in his room or go on patrol for hours more than he should."

Suki sighs, tilting her head down to look at her feet. "Patrol equals hitting things. Or stabbing things, I guess." She closes her eyes. "How is he?"

"I don't know," Katara admits. "I am his sister, but you're his parabatai. Those two things just aren't the same, and it's none of my business anyway."

Suki blinks. "You're not gonna—threaten to kill me for hurting Sokka or something?"

"Maybe he deserved it," Katara answers, and it makes Suki's head swim with guilt. "If it was anyone else, sure. But you know him as well as I do, and you're really smart, Suki. Last I checked, you're not life-threateningly impulsive, and you have a reason for everything you do. So whatever happened, I'm sure it happened because it was supposed to." 

Suki glances away from her. "Right."

"Don't overthink it," Katara says gently, mistaking Suki's reaction for anger. "Sokka's probably just being a baby. You know how it is."

"Right," Suki murmurs. "Katara, I'm gonna go to bed."

Katara rolls her eyes. "Jesus, it's like you two got a divorce or something. Whatever happens, I hope you figure it out." She's all the way to the door before turning around. "Oh, who am I kidding. You guys are—you. Of course you'll always figure it out."

Suki tries to smile at her, and exits the training room shortly after Katara. Sokka is still avoiding her, presumably, because it's probably around ten o'clock at night and she still hasn't seen him all day.

A part of her wants to find him, sort out the whole situation. But being too close to him is like being near a fire—warm at a safe distance, excruciating if you get too close. Suki understands to some degree that avoiding him might make things worse, but if there's a chance that Suki can force herself to lose feelings for him, shouldn't she take it?

Violation of the Shadowhunter Law could result in stripping one's Marks. It was the highest and most excruciating punishment Nephilim could possibly receive—where their angelic runes would be forcibly removed (Suki wasn't sure how and she never wanted to find out), and they would be thrown out into the world to live the rest of their life as a mundane. Never to fight again.

And she would never see Sokka again.

It was a strange situation. She supposed that she wasn't really violating the law, if Sokka didn't feel the same way about her. After all, the Law didn't say anything about unrequited love.

But then again, it wasn't necessarily all about the Law here. If she let herself love him like this, things would never be the same. Suki's an exceptional liar, but Sokka would find out eventually, and things would never be the same. Everything is already strained between them, because he already knows that she's hiding something from him. 

Not a strange situation, really, not as much as an impossible choice. 

Because every minute that she's with him, she will love him more and more. It's a known, horrible fact, and she hates herself for it. No matter what she does, she'll lose.

_What's more important to you?_

_Having Sokka in your life in a way that's not enough for you, or not having him at all?_

It's easy for her answer. It's not as easy to do anything about it.

Time. That's all she needs. Time for her to get her act together, and for Sokka to cool down. And they could work their way from there.

Suki exhales softly, stopping in front of Sokka's room in the Institute.

Slowly, she raises her palm to rest against the closed door—thinking, waiting, breathing. The moonlight from one of the Institute's many windows casts a silver glow on her hand, illuminating the Voyance rune on her hand that every Shadowhunter gets, that gives them the sight. The rune itself looks similar to an eye, and it seems to taunt her.

She lowers her hand. _Time. That's all I need._

Suki doesn't sleep for a long time.

* * *

Going to bed so late causes her to oversleep, and she misses the window she sets to run on the beach in the morning. Sighing slightly to herself, she walks into the kitchen expecting Sokka to be there eating something, but it's just Zuko, Aang, and Toph. 

"You look like shit," Toph says cheerfully.

"Funny," Suki mutters. 

"Good morning," Aang says, beaming as he looks up from his cereal. Suki feels a wave of love sweep over her—she can always count on Aang to at least make her feel a little better, even if it's just the result of his dangerously contagious cheerfulness. 

"Good morning, Aang," Suki replies, before looking at Zuko. "Where are Sokka and Katara?"

Zuko rolls his eyes, staring into his coffee. "Well, I don't know what's going on with you and your parabatai, but they left to take the day patrol already."

Suki groans and rubs her eyes.

"If it makes you feel better, Sokka was in a good mood this morning," Toph supplies. "He's not very good at staying mad at people."

On this, Suki could agree, But she also knew that it wouldn't apply to her, because she knew that out of everyone Sokka knew, Suki held the most power to hurt him, probably because she was the one he trusted most.

"Fine," she decides. "Zuko, you want to patrol today?"

"Yes, please," Zuko replies, before tilting his head to the side. "Although I don't totally like the idea of leaving Aang and Toph alone in the Institute."

"We're _fifteen!"_ Toph protests. "We can be left alone!"

"Don't use the 'we're fifteen' argument when you're going up against an eighteen year old," Zuko says helpfully.

"I'm responsible," Aang says, putting his chin in his hands. Zuko softens immediately—he's always had a hard time saying no to Aang; the two of them are basically brothers at this point.

"Fine," Zuko concedes. "Something happens, and you guys call me immediately, understand?"

Aang and Toph murmur in assent.

"Cool," Zuko sighs, and for half a second when he looks down, Suki can see just how exhausted he is. "Can you go and start the car, Suki? I'm gonna get my gear on." He leaves the room, and Suki glances sideways at Toph and Aang, who talk quietly about something. Despite Toph having been here for only a few days, she's already integrated herself into the Institute's family, and Suki can't imagine life without her.

She can't imagine life without any of them—Aang and Toph's hushed, laughter-punctuated conversations at the grey wood dining table, with Zuko either smiling or glaring into his coffee depending on his mood. Suki can't imagine not lying on Katara's bed for hours talking, lying on the beach with Sokka, laughing at him from the other end of the training room. 

So even if Suki wanted Sokka to love her back the way she wanted him to, was the possibility of losing all of that really worth being in love?

_It's not. It's not because Sokka's not the only thing you love._

Suki smiles to herself at the kids sitting at the table before heading to the car parked outside, reaching forward to start it. Zuko joins her a minute later, the darkness of his hair and gear setting off his pale skin. 

"Ready to go?" he asks. 

Despite herself, Suki smiles. "Yeah."

* * *

Near the end of their patrol, Suki and Zuko are on the Santa Monica Pier, invisible to all the other mundanes milling around due to the runes on their arms that hide them from the rest of the world. "So, I got instructions from Idris to change patrol patterns if 'the situation escalates' with everything going on," Zuko tells her, gazing at the ocean. "Instead of time based patrols where we move from location to location, we have people in a certain location all the time and take shifts."

"That makes no sense," Suki says. "There aren't enough people in this Institute to do that, especially if we establish some sort of shift-system. And what the hell do they mean by an _escalating_ situation?"

Zuko rubs the back of his neck. "I guess they're going to send more Shadowhunters here—if they send an older one, I'll be replaced as the Head of the Institute. As for the escalating situation—" He shakes his head, glancing sideways at Suki. "You know how the Mortal Instruments are kept in the Silent City, right?"

"Except the Mortal Mirror, because no one knows what or where it is," Suki replies, having read it in the Shadowhunter's Codex maybe a million times. The Mortal Instruments were the most powerful objects in the Shadow World, having belonged to the angel Raziel—it is said that the blood of Raziel had been mixed in the Mortal Cup and had been used to create all Shadowhunters. Now of course, since Shadowhunter genes were dominant and the Mortal Cup was no longer needed to create Nephilim, unless you were a mundane attending the Academy in Idris, studying to become a Shadowhunter before drinking from the cup in the ritual of Ascension. Then of course, there was the Mortal Sword, which could force the bearer to speak the truth and nothing else. "What about the Mortal Instruments?"

"My dad used to talk about getting them for himself," Zuko says in an alarmingly small voice. "When I was still—with him and my sister. If he had the Cup and the Sword, he could not only control all the demons around him, but he could make—dark Shadowhunters, I guess. Shadowhunters with no original thoughts, just whatever agenda Ozai sets for them. It's horrifying. And every entrance to the Silent City is now guarded, because the Clave finally caught on that he might try and secure it."

"But the Silent City is where the Silent Brothers are," Suki replies. "And, I mean, aren't they arguably the oldest and most powerful Shadowhunters? They could defend themselves and the Instruments."

"They're scholars and doctors more than they are fighters. I mean, they are all Shadowhunters, and I guess they _were_ Shadowhunters like _us_ at some point. But I don't think they could defend themselves, especially if the Clave underestimates my father. And sure, they have an idea of his agenda, but that's not enough, Suki. They don't know what he'll do—who he'll send."

Suki turns her head to look at him. "You think your sister could somehow—break into the Silent City and steal the oldest, most powerful and sacred objects in the Shadow World?"

"You don't know Azula like I do," Zuko replies sharply. "Okay, I can understand you being skeptical whenever I mention her in any other situation. But we all have to know how dangerous and how good of a Shadowhunter she is, or we're all dead." He sighs. "Besides, it won't be that hard if you can lie your way out of anything. And Azula always lies." Suki doesn't miss the almost panicked way he says that last phrase, as if it has been the soundtrack of his nightmares, the only sound he hears yet the only sound that reminds him that he will wake up.

They walk in silence for some time.

"Will you be glad if they send someone to replace you as Institute Head?"

Zuko laughs softly. It's a rare sound, and Suki might have been happy to hear it if it hadn't sounded so bitter. "Honestly? No. It's like—when you're stuck doing a group project and you get put in a group with people who are just going to do nothing and you don't want to do all the work but you have to in order to make sure that the project doesn't turn out looking like an absolute nightmare."

"That was a good but oddly specific example," Suki remarks. "Guessing you got that one from your one year at the Academy."

"God, I _hated_ it there," Zuko says, laughing. "I mean, I had friends but I hated it. Just a bunch of stuck-up sissies who never did any work."

She laughs slightly, but it's faint and doesn't last too long. "I wish Iroh would come back. He'd be able to help with—everything that's going on."

"Yeah, he would," Zuko murmurs wistfully. "I just—I want the lockdown on Alicante to be lifted, but at the same time that would be putting everyone in danger." He sees Suki's expression. "It's not that I have some weird, twisted faith in my father and his horrible plans. But you know how important it is to never underestimate an enemy."

"I do," Suki admits. "Although, I still doubt Azula can somehow trick her way into the Silent City."

Zuko smiles grimly, doing one last sweep of the pier with his eyes. "You'd be surprised," he murmurs. "Looks like it's all clear here for now. I don't think anyone else bothered to show up after we took care of that pack under the pier. I can drive us back home."

"Let's take the long way," Suki says impulsively. "I don't really want to go back home with everything going on with me and Sokka."

Zuko eyes her curiously before nodding and holding out his hand so Suki can drop the keys in his outstretched palm.

* * *

The sun inches closer to the horizon as they drive, and Suki turns her head to look at Zuko. "What's going on with you and Katara?"

He glances sideways at her, the wind from the rolled down window of the car lifting the dark strands of his hair. "What makes you ask?"

Suki shrugs, looking back to the road. "Things just seem different between you two. You guys are closer, spending a lot more time alone..."

Zuko snorts. "You and Sokka spend time alone, too."

"That's different."

"Right," he mutters. "Parabatai voodoo and all." Zuko's shoulders rise and fall with a silent sigh. "If you _have to_ know, I—she—" He shakes his head. "She's just—I love her, Suki."

Suki's eyes widen. "You're telling me? Just like that?"

"I wouldn't tell anyone else that easily!" Zuko replies indignantly.

"Not Aang? Not even Sokka? Not Iroh?"

Zuko huffs. "Are you kidding? Aang might still have that gigantic crush on Katara, Sokka would punch me in the face, and you _know_ Uncle Iroh already knows. Uncle Iroh would know even if I _didn't_ tell him."

"Wow," Suki says. "That actually makes me feel special."

"You _are_ special, Kee," Zuko says, with a tired sort of relief. "You're my best friend. I mean, I know I'm not your best friend because you have a parabatai—"

"You can have more than one best friend, genius," Suki says with a small smile. "You are my best friend."

Zuko nods to himself. "Okay. Yeah. I love her, and I don't know how to tell her. I mean, she's had a front row seat to almost every breakdown or moping session I've had over everything that's happened with my dad. I mean—" He glances sideways. "I told her how I got my scar first."

Suki blinks. "I thought she found out with the rest of us when you told us two years ago."

"She knew before," Zuko admits. "I mean, you remember how we hated each other before. But we had gotten into an argument about something stupid and somehow that lead to me telling her how it happened. And she was actually nice to me about it. It's the first time I ever felt like I understood her, and like she understood me. And eventually I trusted her enough to talk to her about my childhood, the same way she trusted me enough at some point to talk about hers. Before she met you, I mean. And she knows all about how my mom disappeared and everything with Azula and Ozai. And then Ozai started to gather support and establish a general agenda, Katara was there, helping me figure it all out. I mean, I can run an Institute just fine, but she's there to help me." He shakes his head. "It's not that I love her just because she does stuff for me, you know? She's like—she's amazing. Katara's an amazing fighter, an extremely talented Shadowhunter. She's good at everything she does, honestly. I mean, sure. There's probably stuff that she isn't good at, but that doesn't matter to me. And she has this—compassion inside of her that I've rarely seen in anyone else. She looked at someone she hated and she looked right into the stuff that makes them up and she understood. And god, I love her for that. I love her for how inherently kind she is, and how she's there for not just me, but anyone whenever they need her and even when they think they don't."

Suki smiles, her heart aching at the way Zuko looks talking about Katara. Does she look like that when she talks about Sokka? "You've really got it bad, Zuko."

His laugh is soft. "I don't know why people say that when they see someone in love. I've got it _good,_ honestly, loving someone like her."

"You don't worry that she won't feel the same?"

"Of course I do. But I think I might be able to live with it if she doesn't, as long as she's here and I'm here and we're together." He glances sideways at Suki. "I want her to love me back, of course I do. Even though I think she won't. But sometimes being able to have her in my life is enough."

"You really think so?" Suki says softly.

Zuko's expression turns somber, losing some of its dreamlike quality. "Maybe." He looks at her for some time before looking back at the road. "You're in love with Sokka."

Suki stiffens in her seat, deciding whether she should deny it or not. But she thinks of the way Zuko's eyes looked so unguarded when he told her about Katara, and she relaxes in her seat, shoulders slumping in defeat. "How long have you known?"

Zuko drums his fingers against the wheel. "Two minutes. Well, if I think about it then I guess I might have known for a long time and just dismissed it as parabatai stuff. But talking about Katara—seeing your expression—" He shakes his head. "Did you know you have like, this specific look on your face when you think about him?"

Suki scoffs. "That's the stupidest, sappiest thing I've ever heard."

Zuko rolls his eyes. "Suki, come on. You _do_ have that expression. I mean, I always knew you loved him. Everyone loves their parabatai. But when you got that look while I was spilling my guts about how completely and idiotically in love with Katara—it kind of clicked, I guess."

Suki lets her head fall against the seat's headrest. "People aren't supposed to be in love with their parabatai. It's wrong, and yet it happened to me anyway. And the worst thing is, I can barely even bring myself to admit that it's wrong, because the more I think, the more impossible the idea of a universe in which I don't love him seems. And I didn't know until like, maybe just a few days ago, but I've always loved him."

"I never understood that part about the parabatai Law," Zuko says in a quiet voice. "It always seemed a bit like choosing a soulmate to me. When I was a kid, I thought being in love with them was a requirement."

Suki laughs. "I wish." She shakes her head. "I don't know what to do, and I can barely look him in the eye because I keep thinking of how much he might hate me or be disgusted with me if he knew the truth. And even so, every time I look at him I fall in love with him all over again and that scares me so much." Suki blinks. "I can't even try to imagine loving someone that much, but I do. And There's nothing I can do about it at all."

Zuko looks sad when he glances at her. "I wish—I wish there was something I could do to help. I wish I could've figured it out for you, but it _is_ kind of a messy situation, being in love with your parabatai."

"I wish I could fall _out_ of love with him," Suki admits in a small voice. "Just make everything go back to the way things were."

"If only things were that easy."

"Yeah."

"Maybe Sokka does love you," Zuko murmurs. "Sometimes, when he looks at you or talks to you, I think—" He shakes his head. "Maybe not. But he does look at you as if you're the coolest thing he's ever seen."

"I probably am the coolest thing anyone in the Institute's ever seen," Suki states. "Either way, that's not a relief. If he does love me the way I love him—I mean, I can't live that double life and ask all of you to keep that secret, and I can't make Sokka do that either. That's not fair to anyone involved. And when someone in authority eventually does find out, we're done. I don't have any surviving family after they died in the attack on the Tokyo Institute when I was a kid, so I might even survive being a mundane. But Sokka? He has a family. He has Katara, and he loves being a Shadowhunter. I do, too. We can't just leave that all behind." She sighs tiredly. "I just wish I knew why parabatai can't fall in love. Doesn't really say in any of the textbooks," Suki adds with a humorless laugh.

"We'll figure it out," Zuko murmurs. His eyes look like liquid gold in the light of the sunset. "We always do."

"What if we don't?"

"We will."

Suki smiles ruefully. "I never thought you'd be the optimist here and I'm the pessimist."

Zuko laughs slightly. "Everyone needs a different perspective once in a while." He looks at her, sighing. "Here's a deal. You figure out something with Sokka and I figure out stuff with Katara."

"Not that I'll ever fulfill my end of the deal but—deal," Suki murmurs, pushing a curl of her hair behind her ear. "And you can talk to me about it, you know? I'm here for you—whatever you need."

"Same goes for you," he replies.

They sit in silence for some time.

"How long do you plan on avoiding Sokka?" Zuko asks her.

When Suki doesn't answer, he sighs. "You know, after everything you told me, I don't think you can force yourself to not love him by just not talking to him for a while."

"I can try," she mutters. "I mean, either way, it's not for me. I just think I should give him enough time to cool off and convince himself that he overreacted, and let things slowly go back to normal."

Zuko sighs. "This just sounds like a recipe for disaster."

"We're Nephilim. Our whole lives are just—one massive cookbook full of recipes for disasters of varying severity."

He laughs, and with the music playing softly from the speakers, they go home, the sun's golden and orange light bleeding onto the endless surface of the ocean.

* * *

Katara and Toph are setting out for the night patrol when they return to the Institute.

"Are you sure?" Zuko asks Katara softly when he must think that no one can hear them. Suki watches as he, totally in his own world with just him and Katara, reaches up to take her hand. "You were on patrol all day today. You sure you can stay out all night?"

"I'll be fine, Zuko," Katara says softly, and Suki glances away from them, her heart pounding. Without bothering to look for Sokka, she goes deeper into the Institute, and is soon joined by Zuko in the kitchen. Aang sits at the table, looking worried.

"Aang, what is it?" Zuko asks.

He holds out an envelope. "This is for you."

Zuko and Suki exchange looks. The Institute never received mail—Shadowhunters didn't exactly write letters. They communicated through rune-based messages. Zuko takes the envelope and tears it open, holding the paper within up to the light. His face pales as he reads, and by the time he lowers the letter he looks like he's about to be sick. "There wouldn't be an entrance to the Silent City here in Los Angeles, would there?"

Suki and Aang glance at each other. "We'd have to check the library," Aang says. "Why?"

Zuko holds up the letter with a trembling hand. "My sister sent this. Azula's here."


	5. Chapter 5

"We can't do anything stupid."

Zuko blinks. "Why is that your first response?"

"Because," Suki explains, "people tend to do stupid things when family's involved. I know what you're thinking. You wanna run off and confront your sister with no backup, but we have to consider all the possibilities."

"Such as?" he asks sharply.

"Azula could be lying," Aang says somberly. "Think about it. Obviously, we don't know your sister personally, Zuko, but we can all agree that she's manipulative. One of her main tactics is to get into her enemy's head. So she either sent that letter to just mess with you, or she could be forcing people to leave the Institute to confront her so someone or something could attack it. Nothing is impossible when we're considering her."

Suki's parabatai rune buzzes with energy, and she turns around to see Sokka standing motionless in the doorway to the kitchen. After staring at her for a second, he ventures further in, jerking his chin towards the letter clutched tightly in Zuko's hand. "What happened?"

Zuko lets out an impatient sigh before explaining the situation to him. Out of pure habit, he exchanges a few looks with Suki at certain parts of the explanation. "I hope you don't plan on going off on your own," Sokka says, running a hand through his hair when Zuko's finished.

"Fine. I'll take someone with me."

"We should discuss this when everyone is back," Aang says, absentmindedly rubbing his fingers along the arrow rune on his other hand. "Didn't you hear what I said about how she might see this as an opportunity to send something to attack the Institute?"

"The Institute is warded against demons of any sort," Sokka says. "What could she do?"

"There could be other _Nephilim_ on Ozai's side sent to kill us. You know how an Institute works, Sokka," Suki says. "Only people with angel blood can open the doors. Regardless of whose side they're on, Nephilim are Nephilim."

"Fine!" Zuko spits. "All of us go."

"Are you kidding?" Aang says, crossing his arms. "She could send someone to, I don't know, destroy the Institute? Take down the wards somehow if they have a warlock on their side?"

"I don't care about what happens to the Institute as long as all of us are safe," Zuko replies savagely. 

"Zuko," Suki says in alarm, "You don't mean that."

"We have to take this one step at a time," Aang reasons. Appa, the Institute's white and brown Persian cat, leaps up into his arms, purring loudly. Aang scratches him behind his ears before looking up at the others. "We have to assume that there _is_ an entrance to the Silent City near every Institute. Now we just have to go to the Institute library and try to find out where it is. If Azula really is here, that's where she'll be."

"Well, aren't there a lot of Silent Cities all over the world?" Sokka says. "What would Azula want with the one here?"

"There are permanent Portals in each City. The Portal in a Silent City is the only way to get directly into Idris without anyone noticing," Zuko explains. "And she knows I'm here. She probably thinks of it as knocking out two birds with one stone."

"She wants you to come," Suki says. "What if you didn't go?"

"Suki—"

"No, listen to me. You and Katara stay behind while Aang, Toph, Sokka and I go and deal with the issue at the Silent City."

"What, you think I'm going to let you guys go on your own?" Zuko asks, eyes widening. "Just because you don't want me to freak out at the sight of my sister?"

"I never said you were going to freak out, but she'll be able to get into your head."

"Oh, for god's sake, Suki, we're Shadowhunters. We don't waste time on being bothered by stupid villain monologues," he replies. "We all go, or only I go."

"No way," Sokka and Suki say at the same time.

"Like I said," Aang sighs, "let Toph and Katara come back. Katara's the only one who can talk some sense into you, and Toph is the only one who can be realistic with all of us."

"Hey!" Suki says. "The rest of us can be realistic!"

"This whole conversation disproves that point," Aang mutters, hugging Appa close to his chest. 

"You want us to wait a whole night for them to be back?" Zuko asks, raising an eyebrow. 

"Call them back," Suki suggests.

"What about patrol?" Sokka counters. It's in times like these where she's reminded of how much taller he is than her—he has to brace his hands on the table and lean forward to talk to her face to face. "If we call them back, they could let some demon get loose and terrorize some poor mundane. We can't just ignore patrol in favor of a larger issue."

"So let's go to them," Aang suggests, releasing Appa so he can walk on the table. The cat immediately goes to Zuko, who looks at him in surprise before lifting his hand from the table to pet him. "There are two cars, right? There's still that one car that we never use. Let's take that and go to wherever they'll be at this time."

"We're still leaving the Institute undefended," Suki sighs. "I don't like it."

"It's a risk we'll have to take, apparently," Sokka says, already pulling out his stele to Mark himself with runes. "Looks like our rule is pretty much just _never underestimate Azula."_

"Everyone get your gear on, then," Zuko says. "I'm going to go start the car."

Aang walks out of the kitchen to put his own gear on, and Sokka does as well. Suki's already in her gear from patrol, so she just sighs as she rises to grab a drink water. When she turns around, Sokka is standing in the doorway. "Let me Mark you," he says softly.

Swallowing, Suki nods. "Okay."

As he comes closer, she pleads silently with her eyes. _Please don't bring our argument up. Just be my parabatai right now._

Sokka reaches out to tug the zipper of her gear jacket down and she stiffens, barely daring to move as he draws an Energy rune just below her collarbone. "Suki—"

He's way too close to her, close enough for her to count his eyelashes. His eyes are darker than Katara's, Suki notices. She wonders how it would feel if she leaned forward and kissed him right now.

"I could've done that myself," she mutters, indicating the zipper of her jacket.

He huffs. "Relax, Suki. I don't have cooties."

She can't help it—she starts to laugh, and so does he, after a few seconds. Every once in a while their laughter abates, then starts back up again as soon as they look at each other again.

 _This is easy,_ Suki thinks. _This is uncomplicated._

Right. As if she _wasn't_ thinking about kissing Sokka right here in the stupid kitchen.

Sokka slides one of the sleeves of the jacket down her arm to put Marks along her arm—strength, precision, agility. Every time his fingers brush one of her permanent runes is like an electric shock to her parabatai rune, and Suki tries to not exhale sharply whenever he does so. "Let me do you," she says when he's done, then winces internally. _Regrettable choice of words,_ she thinks ruefully as she draws runes on his arms. 

"Can you put a Strength rune right here?" he asks her, tapping the side of his neck. Suki nods, rising to her toes, wishing she was taller. She has to reach out and put one hand on the other side of his neck to steady herself as she Marks him in the spot he asked. When she's done, she becomes acutely aware of the fact that she can feel his breath on her own mouth.

Suki steps back, steadying her breathing. _You can't be doing exactly what you're trying to avoid._

Sokka, meanwhile, looks slightly dazed, as if he was suddenly woken from a dream that he believed was entirely real. "Suki—"

"You guys coming or not?" Aang asks, poking his head into the kitchen.

"Coming," Suki says. "Might want to draw another Energy rune on yourself, Sokka. You seem tired."

He rolls his eyes. "I'm fine."

"Then come on."

* * *

"Where will they be right now?" Aang asks, bent over one of the Institute books, using his phone as a flashlight to read. 

"Don't worry about that," Zuko says shortly. "Just find out where the entrance is."

Suki, sitting shotgun, turns around in her seat to face Sokka, who sits next to Aang. She's glad that they've managed to forget whatever's been going on in the heat of the new issue that's come up, if only for a little while. "Katara's not answering any of your texts, is she?"

"No," Sokka confirms, fiddling with the sleeve of his gear jacket. "Must be a bad night for patrol."

"Let's just hope that's all it is," Zuko breathes. 

Sokka stiffens. "You think Azula might've found them?"

"Wouldn't put it past her," Suki mutters.

"Los Angeles is huge, guys," Aang says, the only one who can keep his voice even. "Even if Azula does know where they are, it'll be a nightmare getting to them unless she Portals directly."

"We don't know how long she's been here, if she's been here at all," Sokka replies, rubbing his forehead. "There's no traffic, Zuko, just drive faster!"

"I'm not gonna get pulled over on our way there!" Zuko replies indignantly. "I'm already going fifteen over the speed limit!"

"Oh, what's the speed limit, ten?"

"Shut up! Both of you," Suki snaps. "Zuko, just drive. Sokka, don't stress Zuko out."

"We're all stressed out, Suki!"

"Not Aang!"

"I am stressed," Aang says, squinting at the worn pages of the book. "I'm just better at controlling it than a bunch of eighteen year olds."

"Damn," Sokka mutters. Suki sees him smile in the rear view mirror, but it's strained.

"Ten minutes," Zuko says softly, his knuckles white on the wheel. "We'll be there in ten minutes."

"Toph and Katara can handle themselves," Suki assures him.

"I know."

When they finally reach Beverly Hills, everyone nearly tumbles out of the car in their haste to get out. They weave through mundanes still stumbling through the warm night, completely unseen due to the runes obscuring them from view. 

"Demons in Beverly Hills," Sokka mutters, coming to walk next to Suki. There's still a touch of stiff formality when he talks to her, and it makes her heart ache. "It's kind of funny, isn't it?"

"Hilarious," Suki replies. In the pocket of her gear, her Sensor begins to pulse. "They're here. In the parking garage."

Zuko ducks into the parking garage, pulling out the hilt of a seraph blade. The golden streetlamps illuminate Sokka's face as he follows, and Suki goes after him, glancing back at Aang. "You good?"

"I'm good," he confirms.

 _"Ariel,"_ Suki says softly, igniting her own seraph blade before sprinting further into the empty garage. 

About a level up, she catches sight of this massive, many-headed _thing,_ and dodges a spray of acid. "Hydra demon!" Sokka calls to her.

"Yeah, I _got_ that, thanks!" she yells, dodging one of its many diamond-shaped heads. A few feet away, Katara has leaped onto one of the cars, her seraph blade glowing in her hand and illuminating her dark skin. "All of you get back!" Katara orders, and Zuko, Aang, and Toph sprint out of the demon's range. 

Suki watches Katara's chest rise and fall with a silent, deep breath, before she jumps—spinning in midair, she sweeps her blade in a broad arc, cutting off all of the heads at once. The heads roll across the pavement before either disintegrating or melting into acid and yellow dust.

Zuko rushes over to Katara, and she faces them with an indignant look. "What in the hell are you guys doing here?"

"Azula sent a letter," Zuko says breathlessly, and is greeted by Katara's skeptical expression. He pulls the folded up paper out of the pocket of his gear jacket and hands it to her. "Read it."

Katara holds his gaze as she takes the letter from him, before finally glancing down to read it. Sokka glances sideways at Suki, and the pure relief he must feel at seeing his sister alive and well shows in the tired slump of his shoulders. Suki purposely loosens her grip on her seraph blade, making the _adamas_ material lose its bright glow. 

"The entrance to the Silent City is really close to the Institute," Katara declares, handing the letter back to Zuko. "I remember reading it in a book in the Institute library. The Los Angeles Institute changed locations a few times and the entrance along with it—no matter what, it will always be in a two mile radius."

"Two miles?" Zuko asks, alarmed. "Oh, _fuck."_

"Let's go to the Institute," Suki says. _"Now."_

"I'm coming with you," Sokka says to Katara, and Suki glances at him. "Zuko, Aang, and Suki can go in the one we came in."

"You're sure you wanna split up with Suki?" Katara asks, raising her eyebrows.

"We'll be fine without each other for a car ride," he says, without looking back at Suki. "Come on. We can't waste any time."

Zuko and Katara exchange a look before going to their respective cars. 

"Try and stick with the other car," Aang says, fastening his seatbelt. "We don't want half of our people to get there without any backup."

Zuko nods, his throat bobbing as he swallows nervously.

"Everything will be fine," Suki says quietly, touching his shoulder before putting her seatbelt on. "As long as we get there and we stick together."

"Right," he replies, but he sounds uncertain. "Aang, Mark yourself. We don't know what to expect when we get back." He shakes his head. "I should've known about how close the Silent City was to the Institute."

"It's my fault," Aang says, sighing. "I should've found it sooner."

"Don't blame yourself, Aang—I don't blame you for not being able to find it in that old book," Zuko replies. "It's just—" He takes a deep breath. "It's just a minor setback, that's all. We're Shadowhunters. Minor setbacks are the norm."

"Or major," Suki sighs. "Both work."

Zuko keeps his eyes locked on the car that Katara, Sokka, and Toph are in. When they get close to the Institute, they lose it around a turn. 

"It's fine," Aang says quickly, evidently catching sight of Suki and Zuko's worried looks as they look at each other. "They might have taken another way. There _is_ a shortcut around here somewhere. If we take it I'm sure we'll find them."

"We just missed it," Suki groans, and Zuko swears fluently under his breath. "We're lucky it's one in the morning, or we'd be stuck in even more traffic than normal." He looks at Suki. "We have to keep going. We'll keep going, and we'll get there on time and everything is going to be fine."

"Something makes me feel like we should be handling this more calmly."

"You said it yourself, Suki," Zuko sighs. "People do stupid stuff when family's involved."

* * *

"They're not here," Zuko says softly. "Suki."

"I can _see_ that," she breathes, turning back to face him and Aang. "They'll be here soon. It's not like someone could have hijacked their car."

"That's exactly what could have happened," he hisses. 

"We wait five minutes before we go to the entrance to the Silent City," Aang proposes. "If they're not here by then, we move." He looks up at the glass and steel structure of the Institute. "This place looks intact. We can assume there's no one here."

"Let's check," Suki says, pulling out her seraph blade. _"Cassiel._ Aang and I will check the inside—Zuko, you check the perimeter wards and make sure no one's outside. Got it?"

He nods, pulling out his butterfly knives. Aang goes up to the Institute doors and opens them, illuminating the darkened house within. Suki holds her seraph blade high, lighting her way instead of turning on a lamp and possibly alerting any intruder to her presence. There's a small, barely there sound—something she wouldn't have been able to hear if she hadn't been a Shadowhunter. Judging by the look on Aang's face, he heard it as well. _The library,_ Aang mouths, and Suki nods. They creep towards, making no sound as they walk. She raises her hand to lay it flat across the library doors and narrows her eyes in a silent warning to Aang. _Don't come in with me. Let me go first._

He nods.

Slowly, carefully, she pushes the library doors open.

She's barely five steps into the room before she senses movement and whirls around, slashing her blade at a dark shape. It avoids the blade easily, and Suki catches sight of a hand marked with the Voyance rune. Someone knocks the blade out of Suki's hands, and she lets out a laugh. _So that's how it's going to be, huh?_

They didn't call Suki the best Shadowhunter of her generation for nothing.

Her opponent is good with hand-to-hand combat, whoever it is, but even so, they aren't as good as Suki. She's able to land a few good kicks and punches—and although whoever she fights is good at avoiding Suki's offense, they haven't been able to hit Suki more than twice. 

"Wait!" the attacker calls out. A girl. "Wait, wait, wait—Mai! Stop!" The opponent backs away, raising her hands. Suki advances on them. "We're Nephilim!" the girl yells. "We were sent here to help you!"

Light floods Suki's vision, and she turns her head quickly to see Aang standing by the light switch, next to a tall girl in gear. Mai. _The Mai? Zuko's ex-girlfriend Mai?_

Suki glances back at the other girl, and sees a vaguely familiar face framed by soft brown hair. "You have ten seconds to tell me who the hell you are before I find out what happens when you use a seraph blade on a human," she threatens, using the toe of her boot to drag her dropped seraph blade towards her.

"Ty Lee," the girl answers breathlessly. "Ty Lee Penhallow."

"Penhallow?" Aang says softly, coming to stand next to Suki, a dark bruise under his ear. Mai goes to stand beside Ty Lee, still clutching a small throwing knife.

Suki's tempted to think that Ty Lee is lying about her identity, but it soon becomes obvious that she is in fact a Penhallow—related to Aang, at least. Though the two don't look entirely alike, there are smaller details that she notices—the same curve and roundness of their faces, the same small nose, and, of course, eyes like storm clouds over the sea. 

She shakes her head. "What the hell are you two doing, lurking around the Institute like that?"

"We _thought_ someone would be here," Mai drawls. "People don't generally tend to take every Shadowhunter in an Institute on a patrol. Do you attack _everyone_ you find in the Institute?"

"I'll attack anyone who shows up unannounced," Suki hisses, reaching down to hold her seraph blade up. _"Gabriel,"_ she says deliberately, so both Mai and Ty Lee can see her ignite the seraph blade. "We didn't know the Clave was sending anyone to the Los Angeles Institute."

"We sent a message to Zuko," Mai says boredly, but Suki doesn't miss the way her eyes follow the movement of the blade. "I'm sure he's mentioned it."

"He hasn't," Aang says.

"Not surprising," Mai continues blithely. "He's either forgotten or he just didn't want to mention given his, uh, history with me."

"He's right outside," Suki tells her. "Why don't we go and ask him?"

"Maybe we shouldn't," Ty Lee says, taking her eyes off of Suki's blade, which is either very brave or extremely stupid of her. "I don't think either of them want to talk to each other."

"They broke up years ago, not yesterday," Suki reminds them, keeping her voice falsely pleasant. "We're all grown up Nephilim, aren't we? I'm sure Mai can handle one conversation with an ex."

Mai narrows her eyes. "You don't know shit about it."

"I don't _give_ a shit about it," Suki replies, before stepping away out of the way of the library doors. "Let's go outside, shall we?"

Mai shoots her a poisonous glare before taking Ty Lee's arm and pulling her along. Aang and Suki bring up the rear, exchanging looks. _Zuko would have told us,_ she thinks. _He tells us almost everything. And everything that he doesn't tell us, he ends up telling Katara._

Aang grabs Suki's arm and gives it a slightly urgent tug. _Azula,_ he mouths, and she understands. Ty Lee and Mai could be here with Zuko's sister, and as far as Suki knows, Zuko couldn't have even met Mai in the first place without Azula.

She taps the hilt of her seraph blade, signalling for Aang to keep his own weapon handy as they follow the two girls outside.

Suki's blood freezes when they pass the threshold of the Institute—for Sokka, Toph, and Katara are taking on two other Shadowhunters, and Zuko is in the middle of a fight with Azula. Ty Lee and Mai whirl around, their own weapons held up. 

"This really isn't personal," Ty Lee says cheerfully. "I don't hate any of my cousins. Second cousins, technically. Or is it third?"

Aang just rolls his eyes and launches into the fray and locks himself into a fight with Ty Lee, and Suki barely has time to dodge a bronze throwing knife that embeds itself in the wall of the Institute next to Suki's head. 

"Afraid of close-range?" Suki asks breathlessly, dropping her seraph blade and pulling out a regular longsword instead. _They're Shadowhunters,_ her brain reminds her as she does so. _I actually don't think I want to know what happens when you use a demon killing sword on a human._

"No," Mai replies, her grin venomous. "I'm just as good at close-range as I am at throwing these."

 _We'll see,_ Suki thinks, bringing her sword around in a wide arc around their legs, intending to bring Mai to her knees. She barely avoids the attack and uses her throwing knives to try and attack Suki, but Suki's moving too fast. When she's too close to get a good hit with her sword, Suki punches Mai square in the gut, causing her to exhale sharply. But rather than impair, it only seems to make Mai angrier and faster, and she uses one of her throwing knives to cut Suki right across the cheekbone. 

The cut is shallow, but the abrupt and painful sting of it almost catches Suki off-guard, and Mai nearly slits her throat. In her effort to jump back, Suki catches sight of Sokka, who has one hand raises to his own cheek and an expression of surprise on his face. A Shadowhunter, hopefully unconscious rather than dead, lies at his feet, and he goes to help Toph take hers. 

Suki twists her body before Mai can bury a knife in her heart and twirls her sword, bring the blade across the backs of Mai's knees. The other girl lets out a strained groan of pain and falls to a kneeling position, though not before she sticks another knife directly into a softer part of Suki's gear.

Suki exhales sharply in surprise and stumbles away, already reaching with shaking hands for her stele. Across the driveway of the Institute, Sokka clutches his torso.

Right where Suki herself had been stabbed.

_(entreat me not to leave thee, or return from following after thee—)_

She removes the blade and hisses through her teeth as she draws her jacket up to quickly draw a healing rune on her stomach. The wound stitches up immediately—she must have drawn it well.

Slowly, Sokka drops his hand from his stomach, eyebrows drawn together and lips parted in confusion. 

_(where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried.)_

Parabatai weren't supposed to experience each other's injuries.

 _"Everyone stop!"_ someone screams, and Suki lifts her head to see Azula standing behind Zuko, a glowing seraph blade held to his throat. Aang, who stands over Ty Lee with his own blade pointed down her heart, freezes. Sokka and Katara exchange a look, warning each other not to move.

"Do you guys know what happens when you use a seraph blade on a human being?" Azula says in a soft voice. "No? I do." She smiles slightly. "We all know the blade is made of _adamas,_ the 'stone of the gods,' as they called in the Codex. We've all read the Codex, right?"

Slowly, Sokka withdraws his silver boomerang. "Let him go, Azula," he warns. "Because believe me, I never miss with this."

"Oh, you don't want to do that," Azula murmurs, pressing the flat part of the blade to Zuko's throat before turning it back so the sharp edge digs into his skin. "See, I'll cut him before that. And when you cut a human with a blade of _adamas,_ they start to burn from the inside out. It's a weapon of heaven, of the angels—it's too powerful to just give us a normal, boring death to look at, is it? Although," she adds, tilting her chin down to look at Zuko, her expression oddly fond. "He is Nephilim, my useless brother. I don't know what happens when you use an angel's weapon on an angel's child, but I am interested in finding out."

"Might as well save me for Dad," Zuko hisses, his golden eyes narrowed. Azula has the same eyes, Suki realizes with belated shock. Herondale gold. "I'm sure he would like to find out, too."

"I'm about to celebrate becoming an only child," Azula says, grinning. Slowly, Suki begins to move along the door of the garage, taking small steps so she isn't noticed. "And I've been waiting to do that for years."

To Suki's surprise, Zuko laughs. "Still a raging sociopath, then," he murmurs. "What would Mom say?"

For the first time, Azula seems genuinely angry. _"Don't_ talk about her," she says in a threatening hiss. "I don't care what Mother would think of me."

"I know you do," Zuko replies softly. Azula's distracted enough for his hand to slowly inch towards the small dagger at his belt. "You care, and you wish she was with you so you could find some way to make her love you the way she loved me."

She chuckles. "Mom left _both_ of us. Not just me."

Zuko's hand pauses, and Suki, now standing next to them, uses the opportunity to tackle them both into the ground. The seraph blade misses Zuko by a hair, and his elbow jams painfully into Suki's gut. She's on her feet before Azula, holding her sword high. 

"You," she says, grinning madly as she gets to her feet. "Suki, right? Didn't know you'd be _the_ Suki Aikawa." Azula jabs with her seraph blade, and Suki dodges it easily. "They say that you're the best Shadowhunter of our generation," Azula murmurs. "But you're not like me."

"No," Suki agrees. "I'm a whole lot better."

Azula's face contorts in fury and she lunges at Suki. No matter what anyone thinks of the younger Herondale, Azula _is_ good—after about a minute or so, Suki has to make an actual effort to not get killed by the seraph blade.

"I'm having fun," Azula says conversationally, a bead of sweat running along the side of her face. "But I've got better things to do. Ty Lee?"

In Suki's peripheral vision, Ty Lee rolls away from Aang's blade point and lunges towards Sokka and slashes a small blade across his collarbones, making him gasp and kick her in the gut. It was evidently meant to surprise Suki, but she keeps fighting.

But then a sharp pain erupts across her own collarbones, and Azula's expression goes from disappointment to surprise to pure _glee,_ and the burst of agony that Suki suddenly feels in both her rune and her chest allows Azula to knock the blade out of her hand.

And then, she reaches for Suki and draws her close as if Azula were hugging her—darkness slams into Suki with the force of a wall, and she feels a faint sensation of falling before the Institute driveway winks out of view and she stops feeling anything at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ai means ‘sympathize’ and Kawas means ‘river’. 
> 
> no beta so please excuse any grammatical errors !!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// mild self harm

The surface beneath her surface is cold and mostly smooth, with a few occasional ridges or cracks.

_(my name is Suki Aikawa. I am eighteen years old. I have lived at the Los Angeles Institute for six years. Sokka is my parabatai. Sokka is my—)_

She tastes blood in her mouth, and feels rope around her wrists and ankles. She's lying on top of stone, she thinks.

_(Suki Aikawa. eighteen years old. my parents were killed in the Tokyo Institute when I was eleven. I lived in Alicante for several months. I have lived at the Los Angeles Institute for six years. Sokka is my parabatai.)_

Sokka, Katara, Zuko, Toph, Aang.

_You're a Shadowhunter. You get up and you keep fighting. You have to._

Suki opens her eyes, but it doesn't make much of a difference. Wherever she is happens to be nearly pitch black and cold—a dungeon of some sort, maybe? She rises to a sitting position, bringing her wrists to her face to wipe blood from her nose with the sleeve of her gear jacket.

Assess the situation, assess the surroundings. Assess, and then act.

Her stele is missing, along with all of her weapons. She has to keep building facts upon facts, make the unfamiliar world her own. As Suki's eyes adjust more to the darkness, she thinks she can make out bars on the other side of the room she's in. On the bars, she thinks she can see faint carvings of runes.

Her eyes narrow—she has to be in the Silent City. As well as being the home of the Silent Brothers, the Silent City also serves as the prisons for Shadowhunters. 

And if Suki's in the Silent City...

She exhales sharply, hoping that everyone else is alright. How could she have gotten into a cell here?

Suki tries to go back in time and see what happened—she remembers that Azula had nearly killed Zuko, but she tackled them at the last second. 

And then the darkness.

Frustrated, she brings her knees up to her chest and puts her chin on them. _Get out, get a weapon, and then a stele._

Her ears pick up on soft footsteps, and with a little effort, she rises to her feet. _What are you gonna do, hop?_

The runed bars slide open, and a tall man holding a witchlight, a small rock of glowing _adamas_ that every Shadowhunter uses for light. It illuminates the man's brutal-looking face, light clinging to his viciously prominent cheekbones. His mouth appears to be permanently set into a frown.

"And who the hell are you?" Suki asks.

The man smiles—it's an unpleasant sight. "You may call me Warden."

Suki sighs. "Okay, _Warden._ Would you like to tell me where the hell I am or am I not allowed to know?"

Warden crosses his arms. "I heard you were as smart as you were deadly, Aikawa. Surely you've figured out that you are in the Silent City?"

"I figured that out," Suki mutters. "But I could be in any Silent City in the world."

"Pity. I was hoping you would assume that you were being held in the one by the Los Angeles Institute."

"You said it yourself, Warden. I am very smart," she answers, curling her fingers into fists.

"Of course," Warden says. "Did you know that the Silent City has many names. No, of course you did. City of Bones, Silent Cloister—then of course, the more location-based names. Like this one— _La Roche Bouillante."_

"'The Boiling Rock,'" Suki translates, feeling sick. "We're in—Paris?"

"Under it," Warden says impassively. "Suki—may I call you Suki? I have to admit that there's not much to be done with you except kill you. After all, Ozai had wanted his son, not some other useless Nephilim girl."

"Untie me and let me show you how useless I am."

Suki is rewarded by a venomous look from Warden. "Azula Herondale wants you alive. I don't understand why, but I'm in no position to disobey her. But make no mistake, Suki—if you make any trouble here, I won't hesitate to kill you, regardless of orders. You are of no importance to anyone here."

She leans against the wall, the perfect picture of indifference. "I suppose you've taken full control of this Silent City, then."

Warden's smile makes her skin crawl. "Almost." He steps out of the cell and locks it with a rune. "I expect Azula will be coming to see you soon," he says, and then he's gone.

* * *

Suki grows tired of waiting. _Soon,_ she thinks, but soon stretches into minutes, and then into what has to be hours and hours.

Azula doesn't come to see her, and Suki's tired of thinking. No Shadowhunter has escaped the Silent City—not even the best of the best. She wouldn't make it out of here by force or talent.

So leaning against the wall, she falls asleep.

Suki awakes from a dreamless sleep some time later, her senses immediately picking up on someone's presence. She turns her head to see a dark figure sitting in the corner of the cell, arms and legs crossed. "Oh, good," the figure says, and Suki's blood goes cold when she recognizes the voice. "I was beginning to wonder if you were dead."

"Azula," Suki breathes, sitting up. "I was beginning to wonder if you were coming."

Azula sighs. "You know, I really, really wanted to kill you."

"That's fun," Suki responds. "I think you should write a book on conversation starters. That'll be a bestseller, I'm telling you."

She rolls her eyes. "Did you know that I wanted a parabatai when I was young?"

"No," Suki says. "Why the hell would I know that?"

"Shut up," Azula says sharply, and to Suki's own surprise, she does. "And I wanted it to be Ty Lee. Ty Lee wanted to be my parabatai, too, of course, but I let go of the idea. See, I didn't really like the whole—codependency motif. I prefer to fight alone rather than rely on someone who can easily bring me down."

"Then you clearly don't understand a _thing_ about parabatai," Suki spits. "It isn't codependency. It's trust and it's love."

"Maybe," Azula concedes. "But it seems to be different for you."

Suki keeps her mouth shut.

"You know that there's barely any record of the reason for parabatai being forbidden from falling in love? I bet you haven't seen it in any of the textbooks," Azula says, examining her nails. "Not in any of the Silent City archives—not even in the Spiral Labyrinth."

Suki blinks. The Spiral Labyrinth is a large, Silent City-like place where warlocks stored and studied their extensive knowledge of the world—the Shadow World especially.

Was there _anyone_ who knew why parabatai couldn't be in love?

It's as if Azula reads her mind, for she crosses her arms and stares at Suki. "But I was able to find a warlock who knew. She told me all about what happens."

"Tortured the information out of her, more like," Suki snaps.

"Oh, you're awfully brave, aren't you?" Azula murmurs. "You're the one tied up and locked in the Silent City. No one's ever escaped this place, and you're entirely at my mercy. You wanna make jokes now?"

"Sure," Suki replies. "Go ahead and kill me."

"I could, but that would be counterproductive. Do you want to know why? Do you want to know what's going to happen next?"

Suki grits her teeth, staring her straight in the eyes.

"You do want to know," Azula days, a sick sort of delight in her eyes. 

"Maybe," Suki replies. "Everyone's a little curious. And if you aren't going to be straight with me about what you plan to do with me, then maybe you should tell me so I don't get bored in this stupid old cell."

Azula scoffs. "As if I care about how you entertain yourself. But I'll tell you anyway because I'm feeling generous."

"Lucky me."

She scowls at Suki, narrowing her honeyed eyes. Eyes that Suki has only ever associated with Zuko, eyes that have always made her feel safe—until now. "The warlock told me that the parabatai would grow impossibly strong and talented first—their runes would be like nothing any Nephilim has ever drawn. They could draw a healing rune that would bring someone back from the brink of death, if they drew the rune with their combined power."

Suki tries to keep her face neutral, but she remembers that night in the alley. The demon, the blood, the fading healing runes.

Sokka.

Her heart aches so much at the thought of him that she almost exhales audibly, wishing he was here with her. Being apart from your parabatai was always bad, but it seems to be worse for Suki.

_Physical pain._

"And then black lines would begin to spread underneath their skin," Azula continues. "Their runes would begin to glow with golden light—heavenly fire. They would be stronger—better—they would become true Nephilim. Nephilim as they were before normal humans and demons existed." She sighs. "Now, I don't know what true Nephilim looks like—but I might have a chance to find out through you."

Suki blinks. "You'll use me as a weapon."

"Of course I will. That is the smartest thing to do. And a true Nephilim? Oh, they could wipe out Alicante easily."

"I'm _never_ going to help you," she spits. "I wouldn't—"

"You won't give a _shit_ about who you help and who you kill. You won't be able to tell the difference between friend and enemy. And hopefully you'll see me as a friend."

"And if I don't?" Suki asks.

Azula sighs. "Don't worry about that, Aikawa."

Suki leans against the wall, sighing. "All of that—because one falls in love with the other."

For the first time, Azula seems genuinely confused. The expression then melts into pity for a second, and Suki's alarmed to see such a human emotion on Azula's face.

And then it's gone, replaced with its usual coldness.

"I'll be coming back to check on you," Azula tells her. With one swift movement, she pulls a knife out of her pocket and slices through the rope binding Suki's wrist.

Suki takes this opportunity to push herself up and try to lunge at Azula, but the attempt is unsuccessful—Azula is as fast as Suki is, and she steps back.

She falls to her knees on the cold stone floor, gasping.

"Don't bother to try and cut or undo the ropes around your feet," Azula tells her. _"Those_ are runed."

Suki merely glares at her, and watches Azula disappear into the darkness.

* * *

For the first time in a long time, Suki dreams of home.

Not Los Angeles, particularly—another sort of home. 

A home she had wanted to forget, and yet one that would always exist in her.

She dreams of a memory she isn't even sure she still had.

Suki dreams of a woman—warm brown eyes, familiar auburn hair. Long fingers dancing along her small, bony arms.

_Mom._

She can feel it, then—metallic fans clutched in both of her unmarked hands. 

_"Hold it like this, love. It's called tessenjutsu, did you know? The Japanese art of fighting with fans."_ Her mother had spoken to her in English—pushing Suki to become fluent in the language.

She could smell something familiar—perhaps something her father had been cooking.

Petals of a cherry blossom tree floating lazily until they came to rest upon the garden of the Tokyo Institute.

_"See, now you're getting it. The samurai used these."_

_"Samurai?"_

_"Of course, love. Look at the ones I'm holding. These are specially designed for Shadowhunters. See the_ adamas _frames?"_

Stone of the gods—blade of the heavens. 

_"So I can kill demons with it?"_

Suki's mother had hesitated then. _"You don't even have your first Mark yet, Suki. You don't need to worry about killing demons just yet."_

_"And you'll be there with me when I get it, right?"_

_"Of course, love."_

Her mother hadn't been there when Suki had gotten her first Mark four years later, in some dark and featureless room in Idris.

Suki's entire family had been dead by then.

She opens her eyes.

* * *

Azula comes in some time later, holding an unlit seraph blade.

 _This is it,_ Suki thinks. _I'm dead. She's going to kill me._

"Well, you're up and ready," Azula murmurs. "That's good. We have no time to waste."

"So, you're finally doing something," Suki comments, jerking her chin towards the seraph blade. "Looks like you'll find out what happens when you stab a Shadowhunter with a seraph blade after all."

"I told you that would be counterproductive, but it _is_ a very good method of persuasion," Azula replies. "Show me your parabatai rune."

Suki laughs softly. "You shouldn't have left my hands tied," she tells her. "You know how good of a Shadowhunter I am."

"I do. I also know what kind of a person you are. _Haniel,"_ Azula murmurs, igniting her blade. "I know I said I wouldn't kill you, but here's the fun thing about parabatai. If I run out of luck with you, I can always see what happens with Sokka."

"The bond will break if I die," Suki says. "And it'll all be pointless. Did you forget?"

A muscle in Azula's jaw twitches.

"Oh, you did forget," Suki says. "What now?"

"You want to know as much as I do," Azula answers, her face turning impassive again. "You want to know if I'm right."

"All you do is lie," Suki spits.

"Pull up your jacket and let's find out."

Suki exhales softly and slowly lowers hand to lift the material of her gear jacket.

And there it is—spidery black lines around her parabatai rune.

Smiling as if Christmas has come early, Azula stabs the seraph blade into the ground before coming to stand right in front Suki. "It's happening exactly the way it's supposed to," she murmurs. "And I imagine it might be happening to him, too."

Suki holds her breath until Azula steps away. 

"I'll be coming back to check how it goes," Azula tells her. "Good job, Aikawa."

She curls her fingers into fists, and watches as Azula steps back and pulls the seraph blade out of the ground before leaving the cell.

* * *

Suki waits until the sound of Azula's footsteps fade before hobbling over to the hole made in the ground of the cell made by the blade. She shrugs off her gear jacket and reaches for one of the sharpest pieces of jagged rock made by the impact—and she hopes that her plan works.

She has to strike the rock against the floor to sharpen it to a point, and then she puts it against her skin. It's not quite sharp enough to cut her skin immediately, and she has to apply pressure as she carves an _I_ into the skin of her outer arm.

Tears rise to Suki's eyes from the pain, and she exhales raggedly. _This has to work._

 _I'm sorry, Sokka,_ she thinks, before she brings the tip of the stone to her arm again. _A—L_ _—_ _I—V—E._

_I'm alive._

_I'm alive and I need you to get this message, I need this to work, I need you—_

Her blood runs down into her palms, pooling in the lines before dripping onto the floor. Small droplets gleam on the stone like rubies.

A few moments later, a strange yet familiar feeling of simultaneous warmth and coolness spreads down her arm, and Suki leans against the wall in relief. 

It must be Sokka applying a healing rune, and it means that he saw the message.

The relief doesn't last long, however—her arm begins to burn with agony, and she looks down at it. 

_W—H—E—R—E_

She brings her unbloodied hand to her mouth, crying freely now. 

_He knows I'm alive._

And that's all that matters to her.

Suki has to pick a different spot of her arm to carve the next word, gasping softly as she does so. _P—A—R—I—S—S—C_

He'd have to figure out the meaning of 'S-C' himself, but Suki isn't concerned. He's much smarter than one would assume, and he'll figure it out.

She glances down at the permanent strength rune on the inside of her wrist, and is alarmed to see faint black lines around that as well.

_The curse._

And it's all because she loves him. And now Sokka has to suffer for what she's done.

_You can't think about that now. You can't._

_All you can do now is wait._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no beta and im exhausted so please excuse grammatical errors


	7. Chapter 7

"Aikawa. _Hey._ Wake up."

Suki wakes with a start to golden eyes peering at her, and she nearly melts with relief. _Zuko._

But it's not Zuko who leans over her—it is Azula, and she looks happy.

_That can't be good._

Suki sits up with some difficulty, scowling. "I hope you at least brought some food. How long have I been here, anyway?"

"That's none of your concern," Azula mutters, rolling her eyes, but she withdraws a small, red apple.

"Never mind," Suki says immediately. "What, you think I've never read Snow White before?"

"You're infuriating," Azula tells her. "I don't understand how everyone mistakes it for charm."

"You're a psychopath," Suki replies. "Good thing people don't really see anything else."

"Fine," Azula says, holding the apple up before taking a bite out of it. "Your loss, I guess. How does your rune feel?"

"Great," Suki mutters. "Really great. How are you?"

"You make it harder every single day for me to not kill you," Azula tells her, backing away and looking furious.

"Oh, it's a good thing you need me, then," Suki replies. "Do you think I'll be strong enough to escape the Silent City when this nice little—curse thing starts to become a major issue. I don't know about you, Azula, but I'm starting to think that this plan wasn't very well thought out at _all."_

"You won't be in here for long, actually," Azula murmurs. "Once we start to notice any substantial change, we're taking you to Alicante." 

"And you'll _unleash_ me upon the Shadowhunters living there. Good plan."

"I didn't ask for your opinion on my plan," Azula snaps. "I'm not looking for validation from some useless Nephilim."

"Oh, now I'm useless. Mixed messages, Herondale," Suki spits.

"You're useless now," Azula says with a cruel sort of smile.

Suki doesn't answer—she merely glares at the girl sitting in front of her.

"My mother lived at the Tokyo Institute when she was a child," Azula says after some time. "I think yours did as well."

Suki grits her teeth. "Don't talk about my mother."

"It's a really a shame what ended up happening to your parents. But that's the Shadowhunter way," Azula sighs. "Sometimes they go out for patrol and they never come back. it's a shame a Greater Demon had it out for them."

_"Shut up."_

"You can't possibly miss them, can you?" Azula says, blinking as if she's genuinely surprised. "You were _so young_ when it happened. You hadn't even gotten your first Mark yet, right?"

"I know you're trying to provoke me into something," Suki replies, keeping her voice even. "And it's not going to work."

"That's interesting. Every pair of parabatai I've met are opposites. So I'm guessing Sokka's the hotheaded one?"

_He's not._

Suki misses him so badly that it hurts.

"What Sokka is or isn't is none of your concern," Suki sighs. 

"Maybe it is. After all, two are better than one."

Suki recognizes the implication behind her words immediately. "You _wouldn't,"_ she tells Azula. "You don't need him. You only need me."

Azula grins widely, leaning away from her. "So _that's_ what really gets a reaction out of you! The idea of hurting him..."

She bites her lip. "Keep him out of this, Azula. Please."

"Yeah, but you gave me such a good idea! Well, I guess _you_ didn't, but seeing you gave me a good idea—"

Suki's hands curl into even tighter fists, and something sharp digs into her skin—she realizes that she's still holding onto the jagged piece of rock she had used to talk to Sokka; she must have fallen asleep holding it. And suddenly, everything that Azula is saying seems to be melting away entirely, leaving only one goal in her brain.

She lunges, the rock connecting painfully with skin. Suki can hear Azula let out an enraged scream, and disappointment tears through her brain. Suki was fast, but Azula had matched her speed; the rock meant to puncture her neck had merely scraped across her face, leaving blood dripping down the pale skin. 

Suki can feel something different inside of her right now—she feels viscerally alive, alarmingly aware of everything in the cell. It feels a bit like the added strength she has whenever she fights in battle next to Sokka, but it's a bigger, greater feeling. Like something else has taken control of her, has turned her entire body into a weapon.

She's faster than Azula. Stronger. Better. And some lapse in judgement and overflow of pride has lead the younger Herondale to come to Suki's cell alone, with no other guards of any sort to help her.

_Arrogant. Stupid._

Every permanent rune on Suki's body burns and aches, but she barely feels it as she dodges Azula's slightly sloppy swings with the seraph blade she's taken out, which she hasn't even had time to ignite. Oh, it could still kill Suki.

But it won't.

_It won't._

It's easy—almost too easy for Suki to twist her body so she can knock the blade out of Azula's hands, but it doesn't buy her enough time to grab it for herself. So she has to settle for kicking it away and bringing her foot up in a perfect crescent kick, suppressing a smile as the side of her boot collides with Azula's head.

Unfortunately, none of this seems to deter Azula's efforts, but it _is_ wearing her down. Suki can see it in the sweat running the sides of her face, mingling with the blood from the earlier cut. Her eyes blaze like two golden suns, uncomfortably similar to Zuko's eyes.

Kick—punch—strike. Dummies falling to the floor, that's all it is to Suki now. She's never felt stronger in her entire life.

In one last, desperate attempt, Azula reaches out and grabs a fistful of Suki's hair and _tugs,_ catching her off guard long enough for Azula to hook her leg around Suki's knees and send her toppling to the floor. 

She pulls out a stele, and for a moment, Suki wonders if Azula might just stab her with it. But instead, she pins Suki to the ground and lowers the tip to her neck before drawing a rune.

Suki knows even before the rune is completed that it's no ordinary rune—not from the collection of runes they had grown up studying from the Gray Book. It didn't even have that familiar, dull burn of applying a normal rune to skin—every sweep of Azula's stele sends waves of blinding pain rolling through Suki's body, taking her burst of strength and energy with it.

"For everything angelic," Azula murmurs, a piece of her hair falling across her shining forehead, "there's a demonic counterpart. Funny how that goes for runes, too."

Suki stops struggling at some point—her entire existence and focus has narrowed down to not letting a sound come out of her mouth, not giving Azula the satisfaction. But it _hurts,_ more than anything has ever hurt before in her entire life. 

_Sokka._

The name rises to the tip of her tongue on instinct as if she could call out and he would be there, his blue eyes looking into her own. Warm, calloused hands coming to hold her shoulders, and a small, wry smile hovering at the corner of his mouth.

_Sokka._

The sun breaking over the mountains east of the Institute, bright and sudden and beautiful. Golden lights on the waves, and him.

Tears rise to prick Suki's eyes, but she just stays silent. Azula, who has now risen to her feet, watches her impassively.

They had gone swimming once a few years ago. Katara and Zuko had sat on the beach, drawing shapes on the sand and each other. Suki had let herself sink below the surface of the ocean, and she remembers opening her eyes underwater, discerning a shape that must have been Sokka's hand, reaching for her. 

She could barely hear underwater, but she heard him. Muffled and his words blurred, but she could hear him. And she had reached for his hand, letting him pull her up and over the surface of the glittering water.

_Sokka._

She screams then, the pain from the rune on her neck overriding conscious thought, any memory of Sokka she could possibly cling to in order to stay strong. She reaches for his hand, but it disappears, like sand falling through her outstretched fingers.

_I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you to come back._

_Come back._

Her throat burns, and she screams until she's unconscious.

* * *

Two days pass. The whole process repeats itself at the end of the second day, and Suki breaks Azula's nose. It's a brief moment of victory, before Azula pulls some dirty trick or another and gets her weak long enough to apply the rune to her.

She reaches for Sokka's hand, even though it's not there.

* * *

"What sort of rune is it?" Suki asks tiredly one night, about two weeks after the last incident, she thinks. She leans dejectedly against the wall, deciding to not attack Azula this time.

Decides. As if she has a choice, really.

"It's of a demonic alliance rather than angelic," Azula explains, and Suki's surprised that she told her so easily. "Runes for healing—runes for causing immeasurable pain."

"Are there runes for killing?"

"Don't worry. I wouldn't use it on you if there was one."

"I feel so relieved," Suki mutters.

Azula crosses her arms. "I need you. Can't you appreciate that?"

"No."

She sighs, tilting her head down. The gesture is so much like Zuko's that Suki physically flinches. "I'm sorry, then."

As Azula is leaving the cell, Suki laughs softly. "You've never been sorry about anything," she murmurs. "Any regret you've ever felt is because whatever you did didn't benefit you in the end."

Azula turns to face her.

"Is that not the only reason to regret anything in the end?" she asks.

Suki doesn't answer. Azula's gone before the words can even fully register in her brain.

* * *

_"This is just embarrasing, Su. I was so good at using your fans, and you still can't get it with my boomerang!"_

_"Oh, shut up, Sokka," Suki says. "The boomerang is a useless weapon anyway."_

_Sokka gasps and clutches his stomach. "I can't believe you! How are we even friends?"_

_"We aren't. You owe me twenty dollars and your life is only protected by our supposed friendship."_

_Sokka frowns. "Ten dollars."_

_Suki crosses her arms and glares at him. "Don't try me and scam me, you idiot. I know it was twenty."_

_"Yeah, but I gave you ten dollars for your birthday."_

_Suki blinks. "Oh. Right."_

_"You're so mean, Suki," Sokka pouts, shoving her shoulder. "Be nice."_

_"Yeah, yeah. You're meaner to me."_

_He tilts his head. "Also true. But you know I don't condone bullying," he adds with a large grin on his face. He reaches out and takes his boomerang from her hands, and lets it fly. It returns to his hand, and he smirks at her._

_"I'm going to kill you," Suki says, pausing, "and then kill you again."_

_"Whoo, medical miracle!"_

_"Blah blah."_

_Sokka smiles at her and starts to play with the hem of his shirt. Suki knows now that he's nervous about something, but she can't really put her finger on what it is._

_"Can I ask you something?" he says softly._

_"Sure."_

_He turns away from her and starts pacing around the training room. "Have you ever—I don't know. Wanted a parabatai?"_

_Suki blinks. "Parabatai are kinda rare."_

_"That's not what I asked, dummy."_

_Suki shrugs. "It would be nice, I think. To have someone wanting to die for you, fight with you, live for you."_

_Sokka bites his lip. "Would you ever be my parabatai?"_

_Suki has a thought then that doesn't make a single bit of sense to her. She imagines, for a fraction of a second, those couples that she always sees down at the public part of the beach, kissing, talking, loving, living. And in the smallest instant, she imagines them as being her and Sokka._

_The thought melts away, waves retreating from the surface. It was just gross, and it made no sense, and no way, no thank you, no freakin' way she'd ever like Sokka in that way._

_"I think that would be good," Suki tells him. "We're both fourteen. Now's the best time to do it."_

_She doesn't know why it feels a bit like lying when it is the truth—being Sokka's parabatai seems great. He's her best friend, she's his. She isn't lying when she says it would be good, but why does it feel like it does?_

_There's an expression that crosses Sokka's face at that instant—and Suki knows him well enough to understand all of his expressions, but she can't make sense of this one. She doesn't understand whether it's happiness, relief, or disappointment._

_A second is all they have to be uncertain. And then they smile at each other, their minds made up, their future shining brightly in their childish eyes._

* * *

When Suki opens her eyes, she sees gold.

She scrambles away, already feeling the phantom pain of the stele touching her skin as it has so many times in the last two weeks. But the hands that wrap around her shoulders aren't feminine, and the voice that reaches her ears isn't Azula's.

"Suki, Suki. It's just me. It's just me. Look at me."

She blinks. "Zuko."

He seems to melt in front of her a little bit, his pale skin standing out against the darkness of his gear. "You _idiot,"_ he sighs, before reaching out to pull her into a fierce hug. Her aching muscles nearly scream in protest, but none of that matters. He's here, and he's familiar, and he's alive.

"That's not a very good way of thanking me," she says, putting her face into his dark hair. Distantly, she feels her parabatai rune buzz with energy, and her heart begins to pound. Zuko pulls away, keeping his hands on her shoulders.

"Why did you save me?" he hisses, and she's alarmed to see that his eyes are filled with tears. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"You weren't going to save yourself," Suki tells him. "Someone had to do it."

He hugs her again, sighing softly. "Jesus _Christ,_ Suki. I thought—we thought you were—"

"I'm okay," she lies. "How did you—"

"Sokka told us about your message. Kinda gross by the way," he says with a watery laugh. "But whatever parabatai magic does it, I guess. He figured out that it was the Silent City in Paris almost immediately."

Suki smiles, but it's harder than she expected. "I knew he would."

Zuko pulls away. "Right. We got into the Silent City in Los Angeles and used the Portal system to get here." He wrinkles his nose. "You smell."

She scowls at him. "Thanks."

"Anytime." Zuko pulls out a fresh gear jacket. "The one you're wearing right now won't help you at all. Put this on and follow me."

She takes the jacket and does so. "I'm guessing Sokka's here."

"Sokka would be here even if a shark chewed his arm off this morning. Not that that happened," Zuko adds hastily, helping her to her feet before putting an unlit seraph blade in her hands. "Come on. He's waiting out here."

The buzzing in her rune gets stronger the closer she gets to him, and at some point it's like Sokka's presence is a physical touch, like a warm embrace. He's running into her and pulling Suki into his arms before she can even fully see him in the dark, and she feels his warm breath against her ear. He's shaking slightly, as if he's crying.

"Sokka," she murmurs. "Sokka, I'm—"

"I knew you were alive, obviously," he says with a laugh, pulling away. She nearly lets a tear slip past her eyes at the loss of contact. "I would've felt it if—"

He trails off, unable to finish the sentence. 

Zuko watches them, and Suki shoots him a look, warning him to keep his mouth shut. He nods almost imperceptibly.

"We don't have much time," Sokka says, regaining his composure. "We caused a diversion, but I don't know how good it'll be. Can you fight?"

"Not as good as I would under normal circumstances," Suki admits. "But yes. I think I can."

"Good, because you'll need it," Zuko mutters, glancing back at them. "We got incoming."

Suki looks up to see a small group of Nephilim running down the hall towards them, and she recognizes the brutal face even from a difference.

"Warden Pangborn," Zuko breathes. "Shit."

"Bad guy?" Sokka sighs. 

"One of the worst," Zuko sighs. "I was hoping it was gonna be someone easier to beat in a fight."

"Yeah, well, when have we ever gotten what we wanted?" Suki mutters, holding up her seraph blade. _"Arakiel."_

Beside her, Zuko and Sokka draw their respective weapons—Sokka's gleaming silver boomerang, and Zuko's double curved _dao_ swords. "Why do you guys get the normal weapons?" Suki asks indigantly.

"We left in a hurry!" Zuko replies, and they launch into the fight.

* * *

The boys can handle the other Nephilim guards admirably, but Warden seems to have singled out Suki as his target. They fight and they fight, and Suki begins to grow tired.

But in the middle of battle, she locks eyes with Sokka, and suddenly, she can feel it again—that infinite, terrifyingly unending strength.

_I am stronger._

Kick—strike—punch.

_I am faster._

Kick—strike—punch.

_I am better._

She turns the blade of her seraph blade so that the hilt faces Warden, and she leaps up into the air.

_I am the best of the Nephilim the world has seen._

The hilt of the blade makes contact with Warden's head. She can't understand why or how, but it's like an explosion has occurred right with her at the center, the force of the hilt's impact somehow throwing Warden several feet backwards. 

She doesn't want to know whether he's dead or unconscious, and she doesn't bother to find out. A body is a body, and hers is rapidly losing strength now, coming down from a high.

"That bought us some time," Zuko murmurs. "But probably not enough. We need to move."

Suki collapses slightly against Sokka. "Where could we go?"

Zuko swallows. "We have to go to the Portal system."

"Then let's move, and fast," Sokka replies, and Suki shrugs his arm off of her shoulders, exhaling sharply. They run down twisting and turning corridors, before finally reaching the main Portal.

They're almost too late—when the trio turns to face the exits, they're all blocked by a plethora of Nephilim guards.

"We have to split up," Suki says. "We have to go to different places."

"The three of us each?" Sokka asks in horror, glancing back at the Portal. The images within are constantly shifting—she catches a glimpse of a snow-topped church spire, the glass and steel structure of the Los Angeles Institute, and then, though it might be her imagination, a short view of the garden of the Tokyo Institute.

"I'll go with Suki," Zuko says. "You go back home. Portal directly into the Institute—Katara and Toph and Aang will be waiting and ready to fight."

"No!" Sokka hisses. "I can't leave Suki again."

"It's better to keep you apart!" Zuko argues, looking distressed. "Imagine if Azula got both of you. What then?"

Sokka grits his teeth, then reaches out and puts a hand on Suki's face. She thinks for a moment that he might kiss her.

"Stay safe," he breathes.

She reaches up and puts her hand over his. "You, too."

Zuko reaches out and takes Suki's hand. "We'll meet you back in Los Angeles, alright?" he tells Sokka. "Please be careful. And—tell Katara—"

He pauses, then shakes his head. Sokka nods, with one last glance at Suki. He steps through the Portal first, disappearing from view.

"Do you remember what Idris looks like?" Zuko asks her, his voice wavering due to his anxiety.

"We can't Portal directly into Alicante, though, because of the protective wards," Suki reminds him, gripping his hand so tightly that it probably hurts.

"I didn't say Alicante. I said Idris. Do you remember?"

Brocelind Forest. Trees swaying gently in the wind.

"Yes," she tells him. "I do."

Zuko nods, swallowing. "Don't let go of me, alright?"

Suki nods. "I won't."

Together, they run into the Portal.

* * *

Traveling by Portal has been somewhat of a hellish experience for Suki. It's essentially the same as walking along a path that you believe is totally flat and endless, and then falling straight off the edge of a cliff. Not quite the same as a rollercoaster, which Suki has always enjoyed. It's the unpleasant unexpectedness of the drop of her stomach, opening her mouth into a scream muted by the wind.

And then it all subsides, and suddenly Suki's inhaling water.

She would swear if she could, but now she keeps her mouth firmly shut, kicking her legs as hard as she can to rise to the surface. 

Zuko is already panting and treading water with his chin barely touching the water when Suki emerges from the surface, coughing and spluttering. "What the _fuck!"_ she yells.

"We're in Lake Lyn," Zuko gasps. 

"The one outside Alicante?"

"How many other Lake Lyns do you know?" he asks indignantly. "Swim to the shore."

She does so, but it seems as though the water forms arms, pulling her towards the center of the lake and down. _Keep going,_ her brain screams, but her body can't do it.

_It can._

Reaching for Sokka's hand, the sunlight blinding her as she pushes her head above the surface of the ocean.

_Swim._

Suki and Zuko collapse onto the dark sand when they reach the shore, coughing and spluttering. "You didn't swallow any of it, did you?" Suki asks him. Lake Lyn's water was known to have hallucinogenic effects.

He groans ruefully. "I think I did."

She sighs. "Me, too."

Zuko reaches out and grabs her hand. "I'm here," he says softly, as if he already knows that she needed to hear that, that Suki needed some confirmation that it wasn't all a dream. "I'm here."

_Sokka._

Suki closes her eyes, and begins to cry silently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in case yall are still confused, a stele is what you use to mark yourself with runes
> 
> beta'd by cece <33


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk whether this fic is sukka or zuki anymore lmao !!!  
> jkjk but yeah enjoy some unnecessary zuki content

They don't take long to catch their breath on the banks of Lake Lyn—Zuko's letting go of her hand within minutes and sitting up, shaking his wet hair out of his face. 

"What the hell happened?" Suki asks, rubbing her eyes. 

"I messed up," Zuko sighs, looking at her regretfully. "You and I thought of different places. I was trying to think of a place outside of Alicante, but I thought of a place _in_ it at the last minute. The Portal must have been trying to take us in, but we got bounced off of the protective wards and we landed directly in Lake Lyn."

Suki sighs. For a split second, when she glances at Zuko, the image of him flickers between himself and Azula. She swears loudly, turning away.

"What is it?" Zuko says, alarmed.

"The lake water is already having effects," Suki mutters. "What are we gonna do?"

He crosses his arms. "We'll have to walk to Alicante. It's not _too_ far from here, and we'll be able to get in by walking because we're Nephilim."

"And then what?" Suki mutters, rising to her feet and stretching. 

"I contacted someone inside Alicante to hide us," Zuko explains as they begin to walk. "She'll be able to get us in, too. The capital is still on lockdown—we don't really want to get into the mess of being caught sneaking into Alicante." He glances at her. "You need several healing runes," he sighs, handing her his stele. She nods and takes it from him, drawing the _iratzes_ all over the injuries that she has. She feels a little better by the end of it, but still worn down and beaten up.

They've been walking for about half an hour when Zuko suddenly pauses, his face going alarmingly pale. 

"Zuko?" Suki says softly. "Zuko, what is it?"

He shakes his head before looking back at her, a muscle twitching in his jaw. "It's the water. The effects will wear off soon..." 

Zuko says that more like he's trying to convince himself than to actually tell Suki what's happening. "What do you see?" she asks, coming to stand next to him.

"It's not important," he breathes. "We have to keep moving."

"Zuko."

"Alicante's not far, Suki," he murmurs. "We'll make it, right?"

She looks into his golden eyes, and his face seems to melt into Azula's. Suki steps back abruptly. _It's not real. It's not her._

"Right," she says. _It's just Zuko. It's just him._

"Guessing you're seeing something, too," Azula says in her slow drawl. 

Suki presses her palms to her eyes. "Fuck," she mutters. "How much longer will it take to walk?"

Azula stands on her toes and cranes her neck. "I can see the glass towers. Twenty-thirty minutes if we walk?"

"We can't wait that long," Suki says sharply, bending down and putting her hands on her knees. "It's getting worse. You—"

"What?" Azula snaps, turning around to face her. One of her hands creep towards the weapons belt she wears, and Suki's eyes widen. 

"Stop it," she murmurs. "Stop. Just keep moving."

"I'm not doing anything," Azula replies indignantly, but she's smiling. The sight makes bile rise to the back of Suki's throat, and her heart starts to beat so fast that it hurts. Slowly, purposely, Azula pulls a stele from her belt, and Suki lunges at her, tackling her to the ground.

"Stop— _Suki, stop!"_ Azula screams, but Suki doesn't listen. She reaches for the stele, but Azula keeps it out of reach. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Shut up!" Suki hisses, punching her in the face. This makes her loosen the grip on the stele. Suki grabs it and sits up, but as she watches, it seems to dissolve into dust before falling through her fingers.

_Another trick, another stupid trick—_

_Azula always lies._

Enraged, Suki pulls her hand back to punch Azula again, but she catches the fist. "Suki, stop," Azula breathes, looking genuinely scared now. "Suki—"

"I'm going to _kill_ you," Suki promises. "I swear to _god_ and on the Angel—"

"Suki, just _focus!"_ Azula yells, putting her hands on both sides of Suki's face. _"Look at me."_

She looks at Azula's face—really looks at it, until it's not Azula anymore.

Suki's body goes slack, staring at the bruise on Zuko's cheek in paralyzed horror. "Zuko," she murmurs. "I'm—"

He takes his hands off of her face and grabs her wrists. "You saw my sister," he tells her, then sighs. "Don't apologize, Suki. It's okay."

"Okay?" she asks in disbelief. "I would've killed you!"

"But you didn't," Zuko says. "Let me up."

She moves off of his body, her wrists still firmly in his grasp. "Promise you won't attack me when I let go?" he says, narrowing his golden eyes. She tries to focus on the scar around his eye, hold onto the detail that makes her recognize him. 

"I promise," she says.

Zuko lets go of her hesitantly before getting to his feet. As if in a trance, Suki pulls Zuko's stele out of her pocket and hands it to him so he can draw an _iratze_ on his cheek where she punched him. 

"I'm sorry," Suki breathes. "God, Zuko, I'm so sorry."

"Suki, don't be sorry," he tells her, putting his hands on her shoulders. "I'm sorry that whatever you saw gave you that reaction."

She steps away from him. "We need to get to Alicante" is all she says, stepping past him. Suki can hear Zuko sigh dramatically behind her before he falls into step next to her. 

Suki doesn't look at him. She knows she won't like what she sees.

* * *

They approach a small hill and make their way up, which allows Suki her first good view of Alicante. She hasn't been here in years, but she still remembers the towering glass statues—the demon towers, as they were called, and the center of the protective wards around the capital of Idris. She can see them now, glowing in the light of the setting sun.

She chances a glance at Zuko, who still, fortunately, looks like himself. He turns his head to grin at her and pull her into a one-armed hug, his breathing labored. "We made it."

"Not yet," Suki mutters, but she accepts the hug anyway.

Although her stomach churns with distress and anxiety, she allows her mind to go blissfully blank for a moment, briefly losing touch with all reality.

And then Zuko lets go of her, and it's over. She turns away, his features already blending and shifting into his sister's.

"The sun's out of sight," she murmurs. "We need to move fast. I don't really like the idea of being out here at night."

She moves on before looking at Zuko—she's still too afraid of the possibility of seeing Azula.

As they approach Alicante, Suki catches a glance of a woman standing at the end of the sidewalk, her face hidden by the hood of her gear. She turns away before Suki and Zuko can look at her properly and they venture deeper into the place, with only the vividly dark blue sky of twilight to light their way.

There are no real roads in Alicante as there are no cars or any other working devices of electricity, as far as Suki knows. The woman guides them to a shop with a sign labelled _The Jasmine Dragon,_ with fading flowers around the borders of it. 

When Suki steps inside, she's greeted by an odd sight—half of the place has a few tables and chairs, and the other half of the place has weapons hanging from the wall and displayed in glass cases.

"What is this place?"

"Oddly enough, The Jasmine Dragon serves as a tea shop and a weapons shop," the woman says, lowering her hood. 

Suki has to bite her tongue to keep herself from saying something—even if she hadn't been hallucinating due to the lake water, she would have seen Azula—in the woman's blazing golden eyes, and the delicate set of her mouth.

"Mom," Zuko sighs, and he runs to her. Although the woman is tall, Zuko is taller—he has to fold himself to fit into his mother's embrace. The height difference seems to emphasize how tall Zuko is, but he has never looked smaller to Suki.

Suki swallows, glancing away. Her eyes land on the weapons on the wall, and she sees all sorts of things—electrum whips, bronze longswords, even something that looks a bit like Sokka's boomerang.

"Uncle Iroh?" Zuko asks softly.

"He's alright," his mother answers gently. "He will be here soon." She pulls away from him to look at Suki.

Zuko straightens with a dazed look on his face as if he's only just realized that Suki's still standing there. "Mom, this is—"

"Suki Aikawa," Zuko's mother answers. She isn't surprised that she knows her—after all, Suki is hailed as one of the greatest Shadowhunters of the generation. However, there is something in the way Zuko's mom says her name that doesn't entirely make sense—the sorrow, the relief, the regret. "I recognized you as soon as I saw you. You look just like her, you know. Aneko."

Suki stiffens at the sound of her mother's name. "You knew my mother?"

"Of course I knew your mother," Zuko's mom says, walking closer to Suki as if in a trance. "Ah, but you look a bit like your father, too. I see the Blackthorn blood in you from his side. Your eyes," she says, pointing at Suki's head. "Those are Blackthorn eyes."

She blinks, feeling suddenly more exhausted. "My father was a Blackthorn?"

"Partially," Zuko's mother says. "I'm Ursa. I'm Zuko's mother."

 _I know,_ Suki wants to say, but she's been shocked into silence. She notes Ursa's glittering golden eyes. "I thought Ozai was the Herondale by birth," Suki says, absentmindedly walking over to the weapons. 

"Ozai took my last name when we were—when we got married," Ursa says bitterly. "The Herondales are a powerful family. They've produced many formidable warriors, and have gained much respect and priority in the Clave. Ozai taking my last name might have been sweet under other circumstances," she sighs. "But he only wanted it for power. And in doing so, he took the Herondale name and ruined it."

Ursa turns away then, and Zuko exchanges a glance with Suki before turning back to his mother. "Mom—we had an issue with Portaling and we landed in Lake Lyn. Both of us swallowed some of it."

His mother swallows. "I'm not as good as your uncle at this sort of thing, but I can make something that'll help. It'll put you to sleep for a few hours, though."

"We don't have a few hours," Suki splutters, alarmed. "Zuko and I need to get back to the Los Angeles Institute."

"Maybe we can afford to stay," Zuko counters, rubbing his temples before pressing his hands to his eyes. "We—you know firsthand what Azula was up to."

"Azula?" Ursa asks, alarmed.

"She didn't tell me much, and she kept me in there for weeks," Suki spits. 

"But you have _some_ idea," Zuko pleads. "We can notify the Clave, and that'll push them to make a decision."

Suki thinks of what Azula said about the parabatai curse, and she feels something in her rune almost as a response to that thought. "No," she says sharply. "No, Zuko. We need to think this through. First of all, how are we going to explain that your mother helped us essentially break into Alicante while a lockdown is in effect?"

"We'll figure out something—"

"Fine. I'll entertain you," Suki replies, crossing her arms. "Zuko, we're only _eighteen."_

"We're adults in the eyes of the Clave!" he protests.

"We're adults by _Law,"_ Suki reminds him. "But we aren't adults in the eyes of the Clave. Far from it. They won't believe a word we say, and we know they don't really want to acknowledge Ozai as a threat."

Zuko turns his head as if seeking guidance from his mother, but Ursa has disappeared, presumably to make whatever she said would help with their intake of the lake water.

"What happened in there?" he asks her in a low voice.

Suki bites her lip. Zuko knows that she loves Sokka.

But he doesn't know about the curse.

She looks at him, trying to analyze his features. The messy hair, the golden eyes, the scar against his pale skin. The same Zuko that Suki's always known.

"I—"

"It's ready," Ursa says, stopping Suki from admitting what just happened. "I know the two of you might have a lot to discuss, but I don't recommend holding off on treating the effects of the lake water." She hands them two glasses of clear liquid. "Drink it, and then go to bed. You guys can take the two rooms above the shop."

"Well, what about you?" Zuko asks, frowning. "And Uncle Iroh?"

"Don't worry about us," Ursa says softly, putting the hood of her gear up. "Just rest. We can figure everything out later."

She slips out of the shop, and Suki glances sideways at Zuko.

"How long have you been in contact with her?" she asks him, remember the conversation she'd overheard him having with Katara that one morning, about his mother being in Paris. How much had she missed, in the midst of dealing with Azula and the issue with Sokka?

"If you aren't gonna be honest with me, I don't have to be honest with you," Zuko replies tiredly, looking down into his glass. 

"I'll tell you tomorrow morning," Suki says impatiently.

"So will I, then."

Suki frowns at him before raising the glass to her lips. "I sure hope your mother isn't trying to poison us," she says, and she drinks.

Zuko scowls back at her, downing the contents of the glass in one go. He goes through a door at the back of the shop and up a set of stairs, and straight into the nearest bedroom. He collapses on top of the covers with all of his clothes on, and Suki sighs softly before finding a bedroom of her own and doing the same.

* * *

Her eyes open abruptly, her gear pressing uncomfortably into her skin. Suki rolls off of the bed and jogs downstairs, finding Zuko sitting in a small room that looks like an office.

"Hi," she says, going to sit next to him. There are creases in his unscarred cheek, where he presumably slept on his arm. Suki feels a wave of love for Zuko, mixed with worry and sorrow. "How'd you sleep?"

"Surprisingly well," he answers, putting his chin in his hands. "Uncle Iroh and Mom aren't back yet. I'm guessing they're at the Gard for a Council meeting."

The Gard of Alicante serves as a city hall of sorts. "A council meeting?"

"I don't know for sure," Zuko murmurs softly. "My best guess."

"Something's up," Suki sighs. "What's on your mind?"

He looks back at her, his golden eyes sharp and attentive. "A lot of things. I'm worried about the Institute."

"You're worried about Katara."

Zuko runs a hand through his hair. "I'm worried about all of them."

"But Katara especially."

"I don't really have a reason to be," Zuko answers, the ghost of a smile gracing his features. "She can handle herself just fine against whatever might try and hurt her or anyone else."

"This is so gross," Suki says, gazing at him with a mesmerized look. "I don't really understand how people can be _that_ in love."

"Sure, you can," Zuko says. His voice has gone serious, and Suki knows he's about to change the subject. "Kee?"

"Zuko?"

He leans against the desk, crossing his arms. "What happened in the Silent City? And what does it have to do with Sokka?"

"It's got nothing to do with Sokka," Suki answers immediately. 

Zuko tilts his head and frowns at her. "Suki, come on."

_Do you really want to lie to Zuko?_

Sighing, she sits down right on the floor.

"Why are you on the floor?" he asks, scowling.

"You should sit down, too," she replies. "We have a lot to cover."

He rolls his eyes, but he sits down anyway, his toes touching hers.

Suki takes a deep breath. "You know I love Sokka."

"I'm pretty sure I knew before you did."

"Zuko," she says helplessly. "Just—listen to me, alright?"

He blinks, then nods. "Alright."

Suki starts to fidget a little—she's never been one for nervous habits. "Azula told me about—about some sort of curse. Related to the reason why parabatai aren't allowed to fall in love."

"There's no record of that anywhere," Zuko says. "Why the hell would she know."

"Tortured it out of a warlock, I think," Suki answers, swallowing. "She said that when one fell in love with their parabatai they would get really strong—they'd get too powerful, they wouldn't be able to tell who they loved and who they wanted to kill. Their runes drawn with their combined power would be more effective than possible—then black lines would spread around the runes, and then they'd start to glow."

"Suki—"

"I know you don't believe me," Suki says. "But—Sokka and I went on patrol once and—a demon got me."

Zuko watches her carefully, eyes narrowed.

"I wasn't supposed to make it," Suki breathes. "I was supposed to die. The first healing runes he put on me faded immediately. But then I—we drew the _iratze_ together, and it worked. He saved me, and I was totally fine."

"Azula could still be lying," Zuko says softly, reaching out to put a hand on her knee. "You guys don't know everything about parabatai, and neither does she."

"Yes, but—"

Suki shakes her head and shrugs her jacket off of her shoulders. She pushes aside the shredded sleeve of her shirt and shows Zuko one of the permanent runes on the inside of her wrist. He reaches out and grabs it, his eyes running over the dark Mark.

"She was right," Zuko says in disbelief. "Azula's right."

"As far as I know, yeah," Suki says. "She wanted to—she wanted to use me when I'd supposedly become a _true Nephilim,_ according to her. She said I'd be powerful enough to lay siege to Alicante. The thing is, Zuko—I have been getting stronger."

"I saw what you did to Warden Pangborn," Zuko says quietly. 

"That's not all," Suki tells him. "I nearly killed your sister several times. I might have, if it weren't for—"

She trails off, feeling the phantom pain of that rune Azula had given her.

"Suki."

She looks up. "'For everything angelic, there's a demonic counterpart.'"

Zuko leans towards her. "Where did you hear that?"

"Something I heard Azula say once," she murmurs. "Or something along those lines. She used this rune to try and—torture me, I guess." Suki looks up. "It wasn't like any rune I'd ever seen before. It's not in the Gray Book. Every single thing about it felt _wrong—_ it looked wrong, it didn't feel the same when she was applying it—it was a rune exclusively for causing pain. It's—it was the worst pain I've ever felt. And now she's—now I've gotten Sokka into trouble with this and—"

And then she can't take it anymore—tears are running down her face and she wish she would stop crying, because she absolutely _hates_ crying and she hates it even more now that she has an audience. She loves and trusts Zuko, sure, but she doesn't want to break in front of him. She doesn't want to break at all, but she does anyway. 

"Hey," he says softly, getting up to come sit next to her. Zuko puts an arm around her and puts his head on her shoulder. "Suki, it's okay. Don't try and stop, alright? It's okay to cry."

"I wish it was you," she says in a shaky voice.

"What?"

"I wish you were my parabatai," she says in the softest voice. It's not a thought that she's necessarily had consciously before, but the truth of it overwhelms her once the words are out of her mouth. The truth and the guilt, for how could she have _ever_ not wanted to be Sokka's parabatai? It's the best thing that had ever happened to her, and yet—

_Things are different now._

"You don't mean that," Zuko tells her. "Suki—"

"I do," she says. "And I wish I didn't, but _god,_ I wish you and I were parabatai so things would have been so much easier and—"

Suki shakes her head. It feels as though a rock has suddenly developed in her throat, the rough edges scraping against the sides of her throat.

"Let's go downstairs," he says gently. "We won't feel better if we stay up here all day."

"Yeah, probably not," she replies with a weak laugh, but she doesn't want to move at all. 

"Come on," Zuko tells her, getting to his feet and holding out a hand. "Get up."

_Get up. You always get up. All you do is fall, and all you do is get up._

Taking Zuko's hand, Suki stands.

* * *

Ursa is waiting downstairs when they enter the main shop area, and she holds a large, dusty box in her hands. "Suki," she says. "I've been waiting to see you."

Suki glances sideways at Zuko before stepping forward. Ursa sets the box down on a table and opens it, revealing something vaguely familiar—a pair of shining war fans, with the translucent white _adamas_ frames standing out against the silver metal.

"These belonged to your mother," Ursa says gently. "She gave me a pair when I left the Tokyo Institute and—I think it's time for you to have them."

"You two—you two must have been close," Suki says after a minute, finding it extremely hard to speak. She takes the fans out of the boxes. "Thank you."

"Do you still remember how to use them?" Ursa asks, tilting her head to the side.

"Yes." It's the easiest thing she's been able to say all day.

Zuko's mother smiles at her, and for a second, she resembles the vaguest memory of Suki's own mother. "There's a training room in the back. I think you should get accustomed to them."

Suki holds the fans reverently, her eyes burning. She walks over to Zuko, who's staring at a pair of swords on the wall. "Where's Uncle Iroh?" he asks his mother.

"Still down at the Gard," Ursa reports. Her tone is light, but her eyes are filled with worry. "Go train with Suki. We'll figure things out when he comes back."

Zuko looks hesitant, but he nods anyway. Together, they find their way to the large training room, and Suki starts to run through one of her old forms with the war fans.

"You're still so good at those," Zuko says, grinning at her. "It's a shame you stopped using them."

She looks at him, pausing mid-move. "I think I'm going to start using them again." Suki gazes at the fans, the sight oddly putting her at peace. "I missed these."

They train for about an hour, and at some point, Uncle Iroh walks in. He smiles at the sight of the two kids in the training room, but his eyes are also darkened with anxiety.

Zuko immediately runs to hug him, and Suki follows suit once he lets go. "It's so good to see you," Zuko says, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Iroh, what's wrong?" Suki asks.

"I have some bad news," he says, in his constantly comforting voice, but Suki is anything but reassured. "The Institute—our Institute—it's been attacked."

Zuko goes deathly pale. "What?"

"We don't have all of the details," Iroh says, crossing his arms. "They could all be fine."

 _"Could?"_ Zuko splutters, alarmed. Suki stumbles backwards, her hands tightening around her fans. Her heart pounds, and she knows exactly what's happened.

_Azula._

"Azula," Zuko breathes, looking at Suki. "Why—"

"You know why," Suki says quietly, avoiding Iroh's gaze.

_If she can't have me—_

Nausea makes Suki's entire world spin. 

_She'll go for Sokka._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no beta we die like jet


	9. Chapter 9

"Suki—oh, for Christ's sake. Suki, just listen to me."

"I actually _don't_ have to listen to you," Suki snaps, whirling around to face Zuko. "You listen to me right _fucking_ now, Zuko, and you listen hard—I'm going to get to Los Angeles as soon as possible whether you're coming with me or not."

"Just like that?" he hisses. "No plan?"

"I told you," she says. "I don't care whether you're coming with me or not."

Zuko reaches out and grabs her arm. "Alicante is on lockdown. How do you even expect to get out of this city first?"

Suki glares at him and wrenches her arm out of his grasp. "I'll figure it out as I go."

He blinks. "That's my line."

Suki tries to soften her expression. "Zuko. Are you with me?"

He looks uncomfortable. "Suki, I'm not saying that I don't want to do this with you, but it seems _highly_ unreasonable—"

"So you're not with me," she says softly. "That's okay, Zuko. Just stay safe."

He huffs, glaring at her, and Suki resists the urge to slump against the wall. "Iroh," she says. "Is he coming?"

"He's staying here," Zuko answers firmly. "Iroh's the main reason Alicante was able to reach a decision to get the city on lockdown. He's the leading force in the argument that we should move against my sister and father, and it would be stupid if he left now."

"So _come_ with me," Suki says, trying not to stomp in frustration. "The Institute needs its Head."

"I'm not the Head of the Institute!"

"You're the _acting_ Head, you idiot—"

"You're not being reasonable, Suki!"

"Fine," she spits, turning away. "I don't care whether you're coming or not."

She leaves him in the hallway and enters the main area to see Zuko's mom leaning against the weapons counter, polishing a curved _dao._

"Suki?" she says, frowning. "Do you need something?"

"I need to know how you got me and Zuko into Alicante," Suki says, snapping her war fans shut and tucking them into the weapons belt of her new gear—an old pair of Ursa's. "I need to get to Los Angeles as soon as possible. My parabatai and my family are in danger."

She half expects Ursa to say no, but she merely nods with a serious expression on her face. "A warlock opened a hole in the double wards for a short amount of time—I expect she'll be able to Portal you to Los Angeles as well."

Suki just about melts with relief. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet, Suki," Ursa says softly. "It won't be a quick and easy process. It'll take—two hours at most."

Some of Suki's earlier relief evaporates. It's not as bad as she was expecting it to be, but the time period still worries her. "Whatever's fastest, I guess."

Ursa nods and disappears into a back room to contact the warlock, and Suki pulls her fans out again.

 _These were my mother's,_ she thinks with an exhausted sort of reverence, the truth of that thought only now hitting her entirely. _My mother held these. Used these._

_Fought with these._

Ursa returns a few moments later, and she watches Suki carefully, a sad sort of smile hovering at the corner of her mouth.

"What?" Suki asks, putting the fans back into her felt, feeling self-conscious.

"No, it's just—" Ursa shakes her head, tilting her chin down to smile slightly. "Your mother used to look at weapons like that. I always found it weird—like they were the only things she'd ever love."

"She got that right," Suki says with a small laugh, but it doesn't last long. "How did you get to know my mom so well?"

Ursa leans against the counter. "I grew up with her. At the Tokyo Institute." She notes Suki's brief expression of confusion. "Yes, the Herondales are a family from England—Wales, I believe. But one of my ancestors moved to Japan and built a life here and—pretty much kept an entire branch of the Herondale family in Japan." Ursa smiles slightly. "My father was a Herondale, and my mother was a Penhallow."

"Penhallow?" Suki says, looking up.

"What about it?"

"No, it's just—I know a Penhallow really well and I—ran into another one a few days ago. Aang Penhallow—he lives at the Los Angeles Institute with us."

"Aang," Zuko's mother says softly. "He would be fifteen now, right?"

"Yeah," Suki says. "How'd you know?"

Ursa shrugs, but there's a touch of discomfort marring her features. "I was acquainted with his parents."

Suki crosses her arms. "That's—wow. That's cool."

Zuko's mother rolls her eyes and smiles slightly. "The warlock I talked to will be here at the shop in an hour to get out of the city and take you to California."

"I don't know how to thank you," Suki says, fidgeting with her fingers. "You didn't have to do all that for me."

_You idiot. She's probably only doing it because you came with Zuko._

"I mean—" Suki starts to say, but Ursa shakes her head.

"I just want you to stay safe and alive," she says softly. "Alright? And keep Zuko safe as well."

Suki looks down. "Zuko's not coming with me."

Ursa frowns, but she doesn't push. "Wait here," she says softly, straightening to leave the room. "She'll be here soon."

"Thank you," Suki murmurs absentmindedly.

She doesn't see Zuko or hear from him in the minutes that follow, but as the hour mark approaches, she figures she should at least say goodbye. She gets up from the chair she's been sitting in and goes into the back corridor, heading for his room. But instead, she runs into Ursa instead of her son, and she's holding a jacket in her hands. "The warlock's here—I got this jacket for you. It's really cold outside."

"Thanks," Suki says, taking the jacket. It's a dark blue windbreaker with a square neck high at the throat and a set of buttons as well as a zipper. It looks a bit like something out of a sci-fi movie, and Suki's immediately dreading returning it. She looks back up at Ursa, at her familiar golden eyes. After all that's happened at the Silent City, it's hard to not want to flinch a little at the sight of those eyes.

Suki can see the barely there flash of hurt in Zuko's eyes whenever she avoids his gaze. She knows, and she wishes it could have been different. But she's fighting two wars here—one against Azula and her forces, and one against her soul. 

"Can I ask you something?" Suki says.

"Of course."

"Why do you care so much?" she asks Ursa. "I don't want to sound ungrateful, I really don't—but you're doing so much. You're risking so much for me, and I don't understand why. I mean, it could be because you knew my mother, but you owe me nothing because of that. That's not how Shadowhunters are, and both of us know that. So why are you doing so much for me?"

"Oh, Suki," Ursa says gently, lifting her hand to brush a lock of auburn hair out of Suki's face. Her sleeve falls, allowing Suki to fully see that faded rune she had gotten a sight of earlier—a faded parabatai rune, the sign that one of the two bound together had died. "Your mother was my parabatai."

* * *

A few minutes later, Suki finds Zuko in the main shop area, wearing his gear and holding a large jacket in his arms.

"I was going to find you to say goodbye," Suki says softly, nervously tucking her hair behind her ear. "I—"

"I'm coming with you," Zuko says before she can say anything more. "Look, I didn't mean to eavesdrop but—I heard what my mom told you. About her being your mom's parabatai."

"Zuko—"

"I'm not going to let you do this alone," he says, reaching out to put a hand on her shoulder. "Honestly, I wouldn't have let you do this alone even if I hadn't heard your conversation with my mom. But now I have all the more reason to come with you." He withdraws his hand, shrugging on the jacket. It's a bit too big on him—probably Iroh's. "You and me—we protect each other now. Just like our moms protected each other. Deal?"

She nods, swallowing. "Deal."

He nods and pushes the door of the shop open. They walk into the night for a bit before catching sight of a very, _very_ tall woman standing in what seems to be gear. Zuko and Suki approach her with some caution, and Suki pulls out her witchlight. It's a solid stone of _adamas_ that glows when held by Nephilim only—their very own flashlight. In the light, she sees the woman properly for the first time—she's _extremely_ pretty, with brown hair and freckles dusted over her skin, the complexion darker than Zuko's skin but lighter than Sokka's. 

Suki can sense a glamour obscuring her mark. Every warlock has a specific physical attribute that marks them as what they are, ranging from an odd skin color to oddly shaped pupils or horns. Suki forces herself to use the Sight and peel it away, like turning the pages of a book, and sees that the woman's eyes are actually a blinding, glowing white, like someone took glowing _adamas_ and set it into her eye sockets.

"I'm Kyoshi," she says, "in case you weren't told already."

"Kyoshi?" Zuko says, frowning. "You're—you're a High Warlock. Of New York, right?"

"I used to be," she says, waving her hand. Other than the glowing eyes, she seems entirely human—and distressingly pretty. Even Zuko seems to be stumbling over his words a bit more than usual when he talks to her, and Suki actually has to make an effort to look away from her. "And now I'm the warlock representative on the Council of Nephilim. So I'm risking a hell of a lot to help a couple of Shadowhunters." She laughs, and it's a melodic, mesmerizing sound. "Nephilim," she murmurs scornfully. "Always needing something or the other."

"Uh huh," Zuko says, nodding thoughtfully, then frowns. 

Kyoshi turns her head to smile at both of them, probably fully aware of the effect she has on them. "Walk faster. We'll be at the border soon enough."

Suki nods, glancing sideways at Zuko. His temporary trance has worn off slightly, and his forehead is creased in worry. Suki knows he's thinking about Katara, the same way she's thinking about Sokka.

_He's fine. He has to be._

Suki's felt nothing worrying in her room since she's gotten to Alicante, which is simultaneously a relief and a concern. It offers no insight into how he might be, but Suki at least knows he's alive, and not terribly injured.

They keep walking, and all Suki can do now is hope.

* * *

Kyoshi takes them all the way to Lake Lyn before she raises her hands to start making a Portal. Zuko walks over to Suki and puts his hands on Suki's arms. "Do you feel anything in your parabatai rune?"

Suki swallows. "No. Which is good. Sokka's okay."

"Then I can hope that Katara's okay," he replies softly, letting go of Suki. He looks up, blinking. "All of them, I mean." Zuko shakes his head. "God, I don't know why I'm so worried about Katara. She's fine. She can handle herself."

"I worry about Sokka, and he can handle himself, too," Suki murmurs absentmindedly, rubbing her arms. 

"That's different."

"After all I've told you, is it really?"

Zuko sighs slightly. "I guess not."

"Hey, Nephilim!" Kyoshi says loudly, bringing them both out of their reverie. "The Portal's ready."

"You're not coming with us?" Suki asks.

"Don't you think I have better things to do?" the warlock answers. "The two of you, go in, and don't let go of each other until you're on the Institute driveway, understand?"

"Right," Suki answers. "Thank you."

Kyoshi softens just slightly. "Of course. But I won't be risking my neck to help you anymore."

Zuko nods, before reaching out for Suki, just as he did in the Silent City.

_(don't let go of me, alright?)_

_(I won't.)_

They step through the Portal.

* * *

Suki hits the floor of the driveway hard, wincing as she rolls across the pavement to absorb the impact. 

"Zuko?" she asks softly, registering the familiar scent of the ocean in the distance, salt and wind and the dry touch of the desert in the distance.

"I'm here," he says, shrugging off his jacket. Suki does the same, brushing dust off of her own jacket. Zuko looks up at the Institute, familiar and comforting.

And yet...

"Looks intact," he says, approaching Suki as she gets to her feet. "It doesn't look like it was attacked."

"We still have to be careful," she replies quietly, pulling out her war fans. "We're going to go in, but we go in unnoticed. Got it?"

"Let's check the perimeter first," he says quietly. Suki nods and they do a quick spot of the place around the Institute, and it's entirely deserted.

"Okay, _now_ we go inside," Suki murmurs, swallowing.

Zuko nods in agreement, pulling out his own double swords. Slowly, they approach the door of the Institute—which is slightly ajar.

Suki's heart starts to pound with fear as she exchanges a glance with Zuko. His lips are parted, and his chest rises and falls rapidly. The doors of the Institute were never, _ever_ supposed to be left open.

Zuko pushes the door completely open and enters the Institute first, his swords held high. Suki has her fans, the unlit _adamas_ frames looking like bone in the darkness.

He turns back at her, and points to Suki and then the stairs, before pointing to himself and then making a gesture encompassing the entire downstairs area. Suki nods, slowly creeping up the main stairs. She goes down the main corridor holding all the Institute bedrooms. She peers into Zuko's, finding nothing. Then Katara's, then Aang's, then Toph's, and then her own, the same story for all of them. Sokka's bedroom is at the end of the hall, and she goes in with some apprehension.

It's the same bedroom that she's been in a million times, the same bed she's sat on a million times, the same window she's looked out of a million times. There's no sign of a struggle anywhere, and his bed is made the same way it always is—neater than one would expect of a teenage boy, with the blanket placed evenly and meticulously on the bed.

Suki sets Ursa's jacket down on Sokka's bed—she has no intention of ruining it in any coming battle. Quietly, she makes her way to his closet, pulling the door open. There's nothing out of the ordinary, and she closes the door with some hesitation.

_Where are you?_

Zuko is in the kitchen when she comes downstairs. "Nothing?" she says softly.

"Nothing," he replies. "Both of the cars are here, too."

"Iroh said the Institute was attacked, but the place itself is intact. There's no sign of a struggle anywhere, but they were taken," Suki murmurs. "How and why—"

"Everyone else was fine when Sokka and I went to the Silent City here to get to the one in Paris," Zuko says, adjusting one of the straps of his gear.

"The Silent City," Suki says, looking up. "They could be there."

"Why would they—oh, never mind. We can't afford to be picky. And we pretty much know who attacked the Institute. And I think we can safely assume that Azula might have taken another Silent City."

Distantly, a door slams so loudly that Zuko jumps. He holds up his swords immediately, and Suki raises her fans. Her hip begins to ache, probably from some bruise she got when she Portaled.

"Nephilim," Zuko says quietly. "Or else we would've heard them coming."

She nods, gritting her teeth.

There's another bang—furniture being knocked over. Suki and Zuko creep together, their backs touching as they face the two exits of the kitchen.

The first figure enters the dim kitchen, and Suki lunges, knocking the person the floor. An indignant and very familiar noise reaches her ears, and she instantly knows that that ache in her hip was. 

She reaches for the hood of the person she lies on top of, pulling it down to reveal a familiar face. 

Sokka smiles up at her, and every single thing in the world disappears. It is only Suki, and it is only Sokka. There's a cut across the bridge of his nose and down the side of his face. And despite everything, all the aching in her body and in her heart, she begins to laugh, collapsing against him like waves hitting the shore. She's saying his name, over and over, with the two of them locked in a vertical hug on the kitchen floor.

Katara and Aang and Toph and Zuko's float around the kitchen but it all seems impossibly far away, as if Suki and Sokka are submerged underwater and the others sit on the sand. His hands come to clasp the back of her head, fingers curling around the auburn locks. She should get up—they should both get up, but Suki is so lost in the relief of holding Sokka again that all conscious thought has gone from her mind.

The all-encompassing relief doesn't last too long, though; Suki eventually rises slightly to brace her hands on the floor and peer down at Sokka. "Do you have any idea how worried I was when we heard you'd been attacked?"

Sokka sits up, his nose brushing her jaw as they both rise. "Attacked? Who told you we were attacked?"

"Uncle Iroh did," Zuko says. He's standing next to Katara, their fingers just barely touching. "We came as soon as we could."

Sokka looks directly at Suki, his blue eyes narrowed. "We—we heard that something had happened down at the Silent City. We went as soon as we could, but we then realized that it might have been a way of getting us all out of the Institute."

"We thought it was going to be you guys," Katara says softly. "That's why we all went." She looks up at Zuko before looking back at Suki. "So you guys came from Alicante directly to the Institute?"

Suki nods. Aware that she's still sitting on Sokka's legs, she rises to her feet and helps her parabatai up. "But—" she turns to face the others. "The door. The door of the Institute was open."

Toph raises her sword. "I'm guessing you guys checked the Institute before coming here?"

"Yeah, every level," Suki replies, glancing sideways at Zuko.

"What about the perimeter?" Aang asks, shaking a lock of brown hair out of his forehead.

"We checked—there's nothing there," says Zuko. Toph frowns, then shakes her head.

"Well, we're glad you're here and safe at least," Katara says, walking forward to pull Suki into a hug. "I was so worried when Azula took you—" She pulls back, and Suki looks into her eyes. So like Sokka's, and yet a lighter shade of blue. Katara steps away to turn and touch Zuko's shoulder. "And you, too. I hope everything was alright in Alicante."

Suki watches Zuko's throat bob as he swallows. "It was—it was okay."

"I'm still not feeling good about the door," Suki declares. "Aang—Toph. You do another sweep of the upstairs level. Check the attic, too. Zuko, Katara—downstairs." They all nod in assent, and Suki looks back at Sokka. "Let's go outside," she says. 

Sokka grabs her hand and leads her out of the Institute. It's an unnecessary gesture, but one Suki appreciates nonetheless.

He doesn't let go of her until they're past the driveway, toeing the line between the road and the sand. He has his sword out instead of his boomerang, and he glances at Suki's fans. "I thought you stopped using those," he says softly.

"Changed my mind," she mumbles, creeping along the perimeter. 

Sokka's grin is brighter than the moonlight reflected on the ocean. "Sword and fan, once again."

Suki smiles back at him, but it's a strained smile. "Time zones," she mutters. "What time is it?"

His eyes flick to his watch. "Nine fourteen," he answers, before lowering his sword. "We're all clear."

The unease still doesn't leave Suki's stomach, and Sokka notices. "What's wrong?" he asks, stepping close to her. Closer than he normally would have, and it makes her feel dizzy and bit like she's falling from a great height. 

"It doesn't seem right," she says softly. "There's no one inside the Institute and no one outside, and I still can't figure out why the doors were left open."

"Whatever it is, I'm sure we'll figure it out," Sokka replies in a tone that makes her look up. He's looking at her, but something seems different now.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" she asks.

Sokka bites his lip. "I knew that you would be okay when you got to Alicante," he says softly. "But I was still so worried."

"Sokka—"

"I was so anxious I felt like I was constantly on the verge of throwing up," he says with a nervous laugh. "That's probably too much information. But god, Suki, I was so scared..."

He's even closer now. The moonlight turns patches of his dark skin silver, and she feels fingers along the curve of her jaw. "I missed you," she can hear him say as his nose brushes hers, and she knows she isn't dreaming this time. The barely contained panic and earth-shattering relief is too obvious in his voice for it to be some easily forgotten dream.

_Stop._

Suki needs him to stop. And yet she doesn't want him to. 

_Both of you know it's wrong._

"I missed you, too," she says, just before Sokka can kiss her. "I thought about you every day I was in there. I waited for you."

"I wish I could have come sooner," he says, reaching down to take her hands within his own. "Suki, you have to know that I—"

"Don't," she says. Suki thinks of the thin black lines around her runes. "We can't. You know we can't."

Sokka puts his forehead against hers. "I know. God, I know."

"Sokka."

"Just once," he says, and he looks utterly broken as his eyes meet hers again. "Kiss me just once, and I'll never ask again. I'll forget it, and so will you."

_You know that's a lie. You know if I kiss you once, it'll live in my brain forever. You'll be the only memory that matters.  
_

"I can't," she tells him.

Sokka lets go of her hands slowly, leaning away from her as if it takes him a great deal of effort. "Okay," he murmurs, then says it again, and she feels cold without him being as close as he was before. 

"Hey," she says, grabbing his hand. "I—" Suki shakes her head. "I want to," she admits, which she knows is a mistake but Suki can't bring herself to care right now. "More than anything in the world. I want to kiss you and I want to forget everything that's happened. But you know that won't be the end for us. You _know."_

Sokka's eyes are shining when he looks at her again. "I do."

"I could kiss you once," she breathes, her fingers still around his. "But it wouldn't be once. It wouldn't be once either because we wouldn't stop, or because I would think about it over and over again."

He smiles slightly at her, but it's sad. "I hate when you're right. I hate it." Sokka shakes his head, pulling his hand out of her grasp. "This never happened."

Suki's eyes burn. "Yeah."

Sokka looks back at the Institute. "We should go back," he says softly, and this time he doesn't take her hand as they head back to their friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i know the golden eyes probably came from james herondale but lets just pretend they don't !!
> 
> beta'd by iman and cece !


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw// violence
> 
> beta'd by cece !

The others have reunited by the time Sokka and Suki make their way back to the familiar structure of the Institute. Zuko stands in front of Katara, fussing over some barely important injury she seems to have on her hand. He looks so tall compared to her, Katara's hand almost completely covered by his. It's something that always fascinates Suki, the way Zuko completely forgets everything whenever he's with Katara. 

At some point he looks up and turns his head to face Sokka and Suki. "Anything?" he asks.

"Nothing," Suki confirms, stepping away from her parabatai, reaching up to push a lock of hair out of her forehead. "I'm still not feeling good about it."

"Ah, the glory of being a Shadowhunter," Toph murmurs mournfully. "We won't be able to rest until we find something."

"That's true," Aang replies as the kids all enter the Institute. "But I'm also hoping we _don't_ find anything."

"You and your wishful thinking," Toph says affectionately, reaching over to tug on a lock of Aang's hair, causing him to squawk in protest. Suki can see Katara scanning the area yet again, her bottom lip caught between her teeth.

It's then that Suki hears a small, barely there noise—a door sliding shut upstairs. She immediately looks towards the stairs, and no one else seems to have noticed it except Sokka, who has also turned his head up to the roof. The others do, however, notice the two parabatai freezing.

"What is it?" Katara asks, taking out her sword in one fluid movement. 

Suki glances directly at Sokka for the first time since they came back from the edge of the Institute property. "You heard it?"

He nods, his expression unreadable.

"I'm gonna go check it out," she murmurs, dropping her voice to barely above a whisper. There are other noises coming from different rooms throughout the lower level.

"Alone?" Sokka replies, raising his eyebrows.

"Yes, _alone,"_ Suki mutters. "Everyone else, split up. There are people in here."

Aang looks up. "The Sanctuary. We didn't check the Sanctuary." The Sanctuary was a barely attached part of the Institute that was one of the most fortified and oldest sections of the building, and was also primarily used to hold meetings between Institute Heads and vampires, since vampires couldn't walk on the hallowed ground of the Institute itself.

"Go do that," Suki commands softly, creeping towards the stairs. "Fan out."

"Are you referring to yourself as the fan?" Sokka hisses quietly, causing Suki to glare at him.

"No, I'm telling you guys to _fan_ out. I'm using it as a verb."

"Oh, for _Christ's_ sake," Katara mutters before reaching out to grab Sokka's arm with her free hand and tug him away.

Suki walks up the stairs, creeping towards the source of the noise she'd heard earlier. She regrets splitting up with Sokka, but she can't go back now. Gritting her teeth, she walks forward, wondering how they might have missed any other Shadowhunters in the house the first two or three times everyone checked it. But most things these days made absolutely no sense, and she would have to worry about that later. 

And once again—she sees no one upstairs. There's another sound that calls her to attention—shoes hitting the marble floor of the foyer. Swearing under her breath, Suki races downstairs and jumps onto the back of the gear-clad Shadowhunter at the foot of the stairs, sending both of them to the floor. She wastes no time turning the figure over to punch them in the face—some unrecognizable man with the edges of a rune peaking out from the collar of his gear. Though she can't see all of it, it doesn't look like any rune she's ever seen before. It's edged with red, slightly burnt flesh as well, as though it's been carved into the skin rather than inked with a stele. 

Suki's reminded horribly of the rune Azula had used to torture her, and narrowly avoids the man's assault with a small knife. This prompts her to punch him in the nose again and break her knee down firmly on his solar plexus before she scrambles to her feet, slamming the side of her fans into the man's neck as he also rises to stand. He may be strong, but he's not as good as Suki is.

And as it turns out, Suki's a little _too_ good—in one sharp movement, the edge of her fan is burying itself in the Shadowhunter's heart, and he crumples to the floor with a dull _thump_ as she pulls it out.

For one eternal, delirious moment, she's paralyzed, frozen in the spot. Blood is pooling on the floor around the man, soaking into his dark gear and making it even darker. With the entryway being lit only by the moonlight, all the colors seem darker, and she's dimly aware of the blood coating the metallic surface of her war fans, and the droplets of it that have splattered onto the sides of her face.

 _You killed another Shadowhunter. You committed another_ _one of the highest crimes in Nephilim Law._

_You killed another Shadowhunter._

_You killed—_

A crash from the weapons room forcefully yanks Suki out of her trance and she steps over the body with no trouble, leaving her to sprint to the weapons room. 

Inside, all sorts of blades and weapons are strewn around the floor or knocked from their places on the wall, and all of the others are fighting just _one_ Shadowhunter. 

Five against one, and—they're losing.

Suki sees those strange runes again, also seemingly carved into the skin of the other Shadowhunter. Toph and Zuko have blood all over their faces, and Aang's limping. As Suki throws herself into the battle, narrowly avoiding a swipe of one of the dual blades the Shadowhunter wields, Sokka tries to twist his body and bring his sword across the back of the opponents knees. 

However, the other man is too fast to be hurt by this, and pushes the hilt of his other sword out, hitting Sokka in the gut with an oddly strong impact that sends him flying into the wall. Suki feels the blow as well, but she grits her teeth and pushes forward. 

"This is much easier than I was expecting it to be," the man says in his gruff voice. "I came expecting the Los Angeles Conclave. Not a bunch of stupid children." He dodges a vicious swipe of Katara's sword. Suki feels like her whole body is beginning to burn with the adrenaline of battle. "Well? What's your secret weapon, huh? What's your last line of defense?"

"Me," Suki spits from behind him, moving her fans nearly as fast as he moves his sword.

 _Nearly_ is the key word here, and she has to jump into the air to avoid getting her feet cut off. This is evidently the wrong move—the man reaches out and drives his arm into her gut, which knocks her towards a nearby table. The side of her head collides painfully with the wooden edge, and a small sound escapes her then as she slides to the floor, holding herself up.

_Get up._

Her elbows stop supporting her and she fully sinks, the uninjured side of her head coming to rest on the hard floor. In front of her, swimming hazily through her vision, is the hilt of a whip. It's made out of electrum, another seraphic material designed purely for harming demons, but like every other whip, it has a viciously sharp point at the end of it. 

Slowly, she reaches out for hilt, trying to make the movement as unnoticeable as possible. Suki's fingers close around the leather wrapped hilt, and she closes her eyes.

With one jerk of her wrist, the electrum cuts through the air, and Suki twists her body just as the sharp tip slices the Shadowhunter's neck open. He falls, just like the man in the entryway.

"We missed them," Aang croaks, rising unsteadily to his feet. Suki's vision is darkening, and she leans back to rest her head on the floor once again. "God, we didn't even _think_ that anyone would be hiding in the Sanctuary."

"Suki," she hears Sokka say. All of the other voices seem slightly muffled, but she can hear him clearly. "You need—she needs a healing rune, _now."_

"No," Suki says, panic driving every other thought from her mind. _If they put any runes on me then they'll see. They'll see what's wrong, the black lines—_

"You hit your head really hard," Sokka says gently, coming towards her, and Suki tries to scramble away as best as she can with her whole body aching.

"I'm fine," she says, grabbing the corner of the table to pull herself up, but she promptly falls backwards, leaving Zuko and Katara to catch her. She pulls away from there, grabbing the edge of the table. "I'm okay, I swear. Where are my fans?"

"I got them," Aang says, holding them out for Suki to take. 

"They're a little messy," Toph says unnecessarily.

Suki takes several breaths, trying to ignore the pain throughout her body.

"Suki, come on," Sokka says quietly. "I know you need healing runes." He has one hand pressed to the side of his face, where Suki's own head had hit the table.

"There could be more," Suki declares, ignoring him. 

"There aren't!" she hears Katara yell from another room. Suki hadn't even noticed her leave. "There's a body in the foyer!"

Sokka glances at Suki's bloody fans, then back at her face.

It's taking every bit of her energy to not pass out.

"There's no one else," Katara says, coming back into the weapons room.

"Great," Suki mutters. "Does this mean I can take a shower now?"

"Suki—" Sokka says, but she turns and glares at him, which makes him fall silent.

"Suki, are you sure you're okay?" Zuko asks, reaching out to touch her arm.

"I've been a lot worse," she says, reaching up to wipe blood away from her cheekbone. The movement is slow and slightly shaky, and that doesn't go unnoticed by Sokka. "We should all clean up ourselves and then take care of this mess. And then talk about what happened."

"Good plan," Katara mutters, absentmindedly reaching out to touch a bloody cut on Zuko's jaw. She drops her hand when she notices everyone watching. Suki bites her lip and makes her way past the others, trying to keep her steps and gait even.

She doesn't intend to waste too much time in the shower, but Suki's so exhausted and injured that she spends nearly twenty minutes in there. As she's stepping out and pulling her clothes back on, she notices that the black lines around her runes have faded, barely leaving any evidence of them behind. Her parabatai rune buzzes with energy, and she's not surprised to see Sokka sitting on her bed when she comes out of the bathroom.

He's let his hair down, the ends just touching his jaw. A stele is in his hands, and his lips are pursed with worry. "Come here," he says softly, and Suki has no choice but to obey, walking forward with a slight limp in her step to stand in front of him. He rises to his feet and cups her face with one hand while drawing a healing rune on the side of her face. The rune sends warmth throughout her entire body, and she bites her lip as Sokka lowers the stele to draw healing runes along her arms.

Sokka doesn't seem to notice any of the black lines that are still there—probably because there's only one small light on in the room. "There's one under your collarbone," he says quietly after a minute, uncharacteristically subdued. Suki raises her hand to pull the neck of her shirt to the side so he can draw his last rune. 

Despite everything that's happened in the last few hours, Suki closes her eyes and just _breathes,_ trying to lose herself in the comfort of having her parabatai near. The moment doesn't last long, however—she hears Sokka gasp and her eyes fly open.

"What's wrong?" she asks.

"I don't wanna alarm you," he says.

"So you're probably going to say something that'll alarm me."

"Yeah," Sokka replies regretfully. "Uh, look at your runes."

She looks down at her arm and lifts her free hand to her mouth, eyes going wide. They seem to be lit from within, like she has liquid, glowing gold flowing through her veins instead of blood. The golden glow of her runes gets brighter by the second, illuminating Sokka's face and expression of wonder.

Suki reaches out and grabs right hand, the one with the permanent Sight rune, the only rune visible on his skin. "Look at yours," she says quietly, for his own rune is also glowing. Through his long-sleeved shirt, she can see the faint glow of other runes. 

_Runes burning with heavenly fire._

Abruptly, she lets go of him, stepping back.

"What the hell does that mean?" he asks, looking up at her.

_The curse._

How is Suki even supposed to answer that?

_Just tell him, Suki! Just tell him about the curse and everything will be okay—_

She can't. Under _no_ circumstances can she tell him about the curse. She doesn't know why exactly, but she knows deep in her heart that she can never tell the truth about it.

"I don't know," she replies.

Sokka steps forward and takes her hands. "Give me some credit here, Su. You think I can't tell when you're lying?"

 _"Why_ would I be lying about this?" she counters indignantly. "And _how_ the hell would I even know why this is happening?"

"It's not that far-fetched!" Sokka shoots back.

"I honestly don't know," Suki tells him, trying to sound as earnest as possible. "Don't you trust your own parabatai?"

For one paralyzing moment, he just stares at her, trying to read her expression.

"Of course I trust you," he replies, but he sounds uncertain. Suki pulls her hands out of his grasp. 

"I wish you trusted me more," she mutters.

"Like you've given me any reason to in the past few weeks," Sokka says, his voice suddenly sharp. "All you've been doing is hiding stuff from me."

"You're saying that as if we don't _ever_ hide things from each other," Suki exclaims impulsively, but Sokka's face goes alarmingly pale when she says that. "Come on, Sokka? You're telling me you've never lied to me?"

"I'm not saying that," he replies, and he looks towards the door of her bedroom before looking back at her. "We lie about small, harmless things all the time. But you might be keeping something big from me."

Suki scoffs and shakes her head.

"You and me," he starts, his voice slightly unsteady. "When we almost—" Sokka shakes his head, closing his eyes. "You wanted to. You wanted to kiss me. But you told me that one kiss wouldn't be enough."

"I didn't say that—"

"It's what you meant, and we both know it," Sokka replies. "Is that what you've been keeping from me? That you love me?"

"Is that what _you've_ been keeping from me?" Suki shoots back.

"Yes," he replies immediately, his blue eyes open and honest, an ocean that goes on forever. "Suki, I lo—"

"Stop," she says, holding her hand up. "Stop it."

"Maybe I misunderstood the whole thing," he says softly, reaching out to put his hands on her arms, then dropping them back to his sides. "But you feel something, don't you?"

_Everything._

"I can't," she says. It takes an effort to choke those words out. "And you can't either. The Law—"

"Since when are _you_ such a blind follower of authority?" Sokka asks. "Other Laws, I can understand. But we don't know the reason why parabatai can't fall in love."

_I do._

"Don't you at least think it could be a very good reason?" she asks him softly.

"No," Sokka replies, frowning. "No, I don't. If the reason was that important, than we'd know it."

"Sokka—"

"Just tell me," he says, dropping his voice to barely above a whisper. "Tell me you felt something. And please, don't lie to me."

She braces herself for whatever will happen next. "I did. I do feel something. But it's not love."

Sokka blinks.

"It's stupid, but that's the way teenagers are," Suki continues, and she sees how every word seems to be like a million needles digging deeper and deeper into his skin. "You're attractive, I'm attractive, you have your qualities, and I have mine. But it's not love. So no, it's not about the Law, really. It's just me not wanting what you want."

He stares at her for a long time before a small, humorless laugh falls from his lips. "Wow," he murmurs. "Then I guess I _really_ misunderstood."

"I'm sorry," Suki says. Her eyes burn with unshed tears, but she keeps her voice even and impassive. "But yeah."

"No, I'm sorry," Sokka says, his cheeks coloring. "I'm really sorry. I—let's—can we not mention this ever again?"

Suki almost cracks at the expression on his face. "Sokka—"

"Let's just be parabatai," he says, shaking his head and looking away from her. "Let's just be parabatai and we never have to bring this up again."

Suki's hand shoots out, reaching for his fingers. "Believe me," she says. "I am sorry." _I really am sorry. Just not for any reason that you know._

Sokka waits for a second before awkwardly patting her hand. "It's okay. Just a little embarrassing, but trust me, I'll get over it."

_I won't, I won't, I won't—_

He might get over it, but Suki can't, and Suki won't. She wants to grab and pull him close and kiss him, but she can never have that.

"We should go downstairs," he says after a minute, stepping away from her. "We have a lot to take care of."

* * *

Suki goes from one horror to another, and the truth hits her fully once she comes downstairs and catches the sight of Zuko scrubbing blood off of the marble floor tiles.

"I think we can guess who helped them," Toph says, looking up. "Azula."

"They were too strong," Aang says ruefully, rubbing his eyes and shaking his head. "Stronger than any normal Shadowhunter. Stronger than they should've been."

"It might've been because of those weird runes," Katara cuts in, leaning against the wall. 

"Yeah, I saw them, too," Suki says, grateful for the chance to look away from the body that's been unceremoniously dragged to the corner of the entryway. "I just know they probably aren't in the Gray Book."

"They could be demonic runes," Zuko says, giving Suki a meaningful glance. She swallows and nods.

"Demonic runes?" Sokka asks, frowning.

"Azula told me about them," Suki murmurs, feeling uncomfortable. "There's a demonic counterpart to everything angelic. Our runes are of seraphic origin, right? Created by the gods. But the ones we saw on the people here today—they have a demonic allegiance, I think. They looked like..." She shrugs. "Kind of looked a bit like a skin irritation, to be honest. That isn't exactly a good sign, is it?"

"And they were more powerful than angelic runes," Aang says morosely. "Regardless of us being stupid enough to forget about the Sanctuary, those guys almost beat us. Five Shadowhunters against one dude? It should've been an easily won fight."

"Yeah, but Suki still killed them both in the end," Toph says. She sounds proud of it, but the feeling of nausea that had been building in Suki's gut since she came downstairs finally overpowers, and she runs to the nearest bathroom, barely making it in time before she starts throwing up. A few minutes later, she can feel hands pulling loose strands of her ponytail away from her face, and then a voice, murmuring softly. "Katara," Suki mutters. "I'm okay."

"Well, you don't have to be," Katara mutters. "No one expects you to be okay after what happened."

"I killed two other Shadowhunters," Suki says, rising and rinsing her face with cool water. "I—"

"They weren't Shadowhunters," Katara replies sharply. "I mean, they were, but they were working for Azula. And they were corrupted by those demonic runes."

"Demonic Nephilim."

"Yeah."

And she's just so exhausted and hurt that Suki finally cries, leaning into Katara's embrace. Katara is warm and familiar, and she manages to soothe the tiniest fraction of all the pain in Suki's heart. 

When Katara pulls away, her expression is steely. We're going to fix this."

Suki swallows. "I broke the law. I _murdered_ other Shadowhunters."

"No, you didn't," Katara replies. "They disappeared. They may have been killed by demons."

"Katara—"

"And they won't be found," she continues. "Unless the Clave decides that they want to search the ocean."

Suki rubs her eyes. "You think we can pull that off?"

"Of course we can pull it off," Katara replies, reaching out to squeeze Suki's hand reassuringly. "We are pretty smart, you know."

Suki stares at her for a moment before nodding slowly.

* * *

"Here's our plan," Katara says, striding back into the now mostly clean foyer. "We're going to dispose of some dead bodies."

"Oh, fun!" Toph says. Everyone glances sideways at her. "I mean—okay. Cool."

Sokka looks aghast. "Shouldn't we be submitting these bodies to inspection by the Clave?"

"The Clave won't find out about this," Katara responds sharply. "Understand? You know they won't care about the runes and they'll just blame it on Suki."

It was upsetting, but it was true. And they all knew it."

"Clean their wounds first," Zuko says after a moment. "I do _not_ want to get blood in the car."

"We don't need to take them by car," Sokka says, who now seems fully onboard with the idea. We _technically_ own that section of the beach closest to the Institute, right? We can just glamour ourselves in case anyone happens to be nearby and dump the bodies."

"Well, clean the wounds anyway," Zuko mutters. "I don't want you to get blood _anywhere."_

"Katara's been a bad influence on you," Toph says sullenly.

"Oh, _sorry_ I don't want to get the Institute dirty and covered in blood!"

In the middle of the new flurry of activity, Katara glances sideways at Suki, silently asking whether she's okay. Suki nods, a lump in her throat.

_The Clave will never know._

Suki closes her eyes.

* * *

Half an hour later, Suki and Zuko are dragging two bodies into the ocean, the water up to their waists. Zuko glances sideways at her. "You sure this is going to work?"

"It has to," Suki murmurs.

When they're far enough out in the water, Suki pulls out her stele and buries it in the chest of the man she carries. Zuko does the same.

"The _adamas_ will sink them," she tells him. "They won't be washing up anywhere."

They stay in the water for a bit before Zuko mutters something about going back, and they wade back towards the sand. 

"Did you do it?" Aang asks once Zuko and Suki come back.

"Yeah," Zuko responds—Suki's not sure whether she'll be able to speak for some time.

"We can't ever mention this to anyone unless it's absolutely necessary," Katara says, crossing her arms as she faces the ocean. "Swear it on the Angel."

"I swear on the Angel," they all murmur silently. Suki stumbles over her words a bit, and after a moment, she feels Zuko touch her shoulder in a reassuring gesture. Sokka isn't looking at her.

_I swear._

They stay out by the ocean for a long time.


	11. Chapter 11

"How long are we gonna sit like this?" Toph asks impatiently.

"Just give us a minute, Toph," Zuko says impatiently, lying awkwardly on the couch with his head hanging over the seat and his legs hanging over the back. "We're thinking."

"And you think being upside down is gonna help?" Sokka asks, frowning.

Katara hides a yawn behind her hand. Zuko sits up and repositions himself so that his legs are now hanging over the armrest of the couch and turns his head up to look at Suki. "Look. Last night, we agreed to not tell anyone about those two bodies—"

"Unless absolutely necessary," Aang says sharply, crossing his arms. 

"Can we all even agree on what we consider to be 'absolutely necessary?'" Sokka asks the others. 

"The Clave should know _something,"_ Aang implores. "Azula sent men to kill us."

"Not exactly," Suki says quietly, and everyone glances sideways at her. Uncharacteristically uncomfortable with everyone's sudden shift of attention to her, Suki fidgets. "When we were fighting—both of those men had pretty dangerous weapons. But they were making no move to—"

She trails off, suddenly aware of the dangerous territory she's treading into. The others, other than Zuko, don't know that Azula wants Suki and (or) Sokka, and they certainly don't know why.

"What?" Katara asks.

"Nothing," Suki sighs. "Every memory I have of last night is a little weird."

"Yeah, maybe because you had a pretty bad head injury," Katara says. 

"Can _iratzes_ heal concussions?" Toph asks tiredly.

"I don't know. It just got rid of that big ass bruise on her face," Sokka replies.

"We're getting off topic," Zuko reminds them impatiently. "We still need to decide what we're going to next."

"We can tell them that two guys attacked the Institute while you guys were called away to investigate a fake attack, and—"

"Why did _all_ of you go?" Suki asks suddenly. "Wouldn't it have been smarter to leave someone behind?"

Katara glances sideways at her brother. "We had to consider it to be really serious, alright? We got news that as many as ten Shadowhunters had been killed."

 _"Ten?"_ Zuko asks.

"We were told that the Clave sent a bunch of Shadowhunters to assist us since there were technically no adults at the Institute," Sokka explains, leaning forward. "And then a few minutes later we got a distress signal from one of them saying that they had been attacked by a large group of people and they needed our assistance right away. When we got to the location they told us to come to, we didn't find anything."

"So they made it sound like it was going to be a really big deal," Zuko says, then shrugs. "Look. I _do_ think that the Clave should know something about it—it would be really stupid to just act like it isn't happening."

"I think we should tell them that we killed those two men," Aang says, his grey eyes widened in his anxious state. "Look, given the circumstances, we didn't _really_ do anything wrong. If anything, they were here to kill us. We can all agree on that, right?"

"Yes, but you _know_ the Clave," Katara murmurs. "They hate kids."

"The Council might listen," Sokka proposes. The Council, other than the Consul and the Inquisitor, had the highest power in the Shadow World.

"I doubt it," Toph murmurs.

"Actually, yeah, let's ask Toph," Aang says, brightening. "There was a Consul who was a Beifong."

"That was my _relative,_ not me," Toph replies impatiently. "Just because I had some grandmother who was the Consul doesn't mean _I_ know how the Consul will react if we tell the Council that we, as the Los Angeles Institute killed two Nephilim."

"Well, that's not exactly how we'd put it—"

"Stop," Suki says. "You guys didn't kill them. I did. So stop saying we." She looks at Katara. "Zuko's right. The Clave should know something—in fact, I think we should tell them everything. Including me killing them."

This prompts a lot of arguing to erupt from everyone else, but Suki raises her hand, immediately bringing silence. "It's like what Aang said just now," Suki continues. "We don't necessarily have to tell them the way it happened exactly."

"So you want to lie to the Clave?" Katara asks, slumping a little so her shoulder is against Zuko's. "Yeah, we can do that. We can say that they tried to attack us and then they ran away or something—"

"No," Suki sighs. "No, I'm not saying that we flat out tell them something that didn't happen. Aang was right—again. _Given the circumstances,_ everything that happened can be excused by Nephilim Law."

 _"Nephilim_ Law?" Zuko asks. "Okay, I see your point with how we would make the argument that we were acting in self-defense, but how do we justify it in the eyes of the _Law?"_

Suki gets to her feet, crossing her arms. She doesn't miss the way Sokka's eyes track the movement with deadly precision, his eyes subconsciously scanning her for any trace of her earlier injuries. "As Shadowhunters, what are we mandated to do?"

"Kill demons," they all reply in unison.

 _"Exactly,"_ Suki affirms with a grin, starting to nod. Distressed as she is, she can always be cheered up by plotting. "Yes, I got a little weird about what I—what I did. But I'm thinking about something that Katara told me last night." She looks at all of them, including Sokka, even though it hurts her to see his familiar face. "You all remember those weird runes they had, right?"

Everyone nods.

"Those runes are demonic, I'm sure of it," Suki declares. "Those were—the demon equivalent of Nephilim."

"I know we shouldn't have disposed of the bodies," Katara says mournfully, putting her chin in her hands. Zuko reaches out to pat her shoulder consolingly. 

"Well—" Toph begins, looking sheepish. "I kind of saw this coming?"

"What do you mean you saw this coming?" Zuko asks, aghast.

"Well, you were all pretty emotionally unstable last night!" she replies indignantly. "And I knew we might regret our decision to get rid of two very important bodies. So I—"

"Swam back into the ocean to get them," Sokka says.

"Replaced them with pillows you and Aang painted to look like real people," Zuko adds, then shakes his head. "No. You guys are terrible at art."

"I took _pictures,_ geniuses," Toph declares, holding up her phone. 

"You took pictures of corpses?" Sokka asks her, his eyes wide. "Why in the _hell_ would you do that?"

"Did you _not_ hear me explaining it to you just now?" Toph yowls in reply.

"That's good, Toph," Suki says, cutting their argument short. "That was smart."

"Okay, but we can't exactly send pictures through runic messages. And it's not like we can _text_ anyone in Idris. The only way to contact them is through the messages made by the fire runes."

"I could try and draw it with my stele," Aang says, waving his finger in what he must think is a vague approximation of the shape of two corpses.

Well, it's not exactly like we could chop the bodies up and deliver them to Idris in little Tupperware boxes," Suki says cheerfully. "So we have a problem either way."

"That's not exactly a reason to be optimistic," Sokka says weakly.

Everyone starts to argue among themselves again, and Suki crosses her arms, trying to think. 

_What now?_

"Guys," she says, then notices she has said it too quietly for people to have heard her. _"GUYS!"_

Everyone falls silent.

"Look," Suki says. "What we need is a little bit of _emotional and strategic manipulation."_

"Ooh, my favorite hobby," Zuko deadpans, yawning. His eyes widen, and he looks disconcertingly smug all of a sudden. "I have an idea. One that involves not getting a bunch of unknown Clave members sent to our Institute but a way that still ensures that someone important finds out about what's going on."

"Really?" Katara asks, her face lighting up.

"Yes. Well—" Zuko starts to stumble over his words once he sees the way Katara is staring at him. Suki resists the urge to roll her eyes. Toph actually _does_ roll her eyes. "There's this warlock. She can help us."

He then turns his attention on Suki, who immediately shakes her head. "I—what? No way! How— _why?_ How are you even gonna pull that off?"

"You two wanna share with the class?" Sokka says, frowning.

Suki looks at him directly. 

_Let's just be parabatai._

"When you guys rescued me from—Paris," Suki begins, choosing her next words carefully, "Zuko and I tried to Portal directly into Alicante."

"But we were taken to a place outside the borders because of the protective wards," Zuko says, tilting his chin up to face Suki. "But my—" He pauses, glancing sideways at Katara. "My mother had arranged for a way for us to get into the city because she had gotten a warlock to temporarily open the wards."

Katara frowns at this—uncomfortably, Suki realizes that Zuko must not have told Katara about him having seen his mother in Alicante yet.

"This warlock helped us get out of Alicante and come back to Los Angeles," Suki continues, glancing away from the pair. "But Zuko—we don't know how to contact her."

Zuko winces. "Yes, we do. Or—I do. I kind of—sort of made my mom tell me how. In case we ever needed to come back to Alicante."

"Zuko—"

"Suki, she's the warlock representative on the Council of Nephilim," he implores. "She's influential. If we can contact her and give her the pictures, then she can inform the Clave without really getting _us_ into a lot of trouble or any uncomfortable situations."

Suki can't help but admit to herself that it's a good idea, but there is the given fact that Kyoshi is, as far as Suki knows, unwilling to help Shadowhunters any more than she needs to.

"I know what you're thinking," Zuko says. "But it's the best choice we have."

"Not the _only_ choice, though," Suki replies. "She'll need payment of some sort. Warlocks don't help Nephilim for free, even if they are on the Council."

"She helped my mo?m and demanded nothing in return," Zuko murmurs. "I think that means something, doesn't it? And I think she'll help me. I'm a Herondale."

"So is Azula," Sokka cuts in.

"Azula detests Downworlders. She wants them all dead," Zuko declares vehemently. "So if you're worried about any allegiance Kyoshi might hold for her because she's a _Herondale,_ then don't worry. They won't be helping each other out any time soon."

Suki bites her lip, considering for a moment. "Fine," she says finally. "It could work."

"And then, that's where our argument comes in," he says, leaning back. "If and when the Clave finds out that we—"

"—I—"

"— _we_ killed those two men," Zuko pushes, glaring at Suki, "we can tell them about the whole demonic thing."

"How does Suki know for sure that those runes were demonic, though?" Aang asks quietly. "No offense, but there are angelic runes that exist that aren't in the Gray Book. The Silent Brothers have them on their faces, and even I have them," he adds, holding up his hands to show the odd arrow runes inked into his skin. "There is a possibility that Azula discovered one of those older runes that make people more powerful or something."

It's at this moment that Suki remembers a critical detail. "Azula tortured me in the Silent City," she says tersely. Sokka's eyes widen at the words, his lips parting in contained shock. "She used this—rune—"

Suki stops, swallowing and trying to calm her heartbeat, which has started to race. It becomes easier to look at Sokka than it is to look at Zuko, and see those eyes—

"She used a weird rune on me," she says again, and she's relieved to hear that she sounds more composed and calm than she really is. "It was a rune for causing agony. And she used it on me over and over. At some point I guess I got around to asking her what sort of rune that was, and she told me that for everything with a seraphic allegiance—our runes and weapons—there's a demonic counterpart." 

Bracing herself for whatever happens next, Suki reaches up to pull her short hair back, revealing the scar of the rune Azula had put onto her. Sokka's on his feet in an instant, his fingers reaching out to brush the scar with all arguments forgotten. 

"I didn't feel it," he says quietly. 

"What?"

He looks up, his blue eyes mournful. "I didn't feel it when she was torturing you. I should've."

"I'm glad you didn't," Suki tells him. "Trust me."

Sokka's gaze is as bright and intense as the sun. "We're starting to feel each other's pain. Why wouldn't we feel this?"

"Maybe because you can't transfer demonic injuries through an angelic bond," Suki suggests. "I—"

"Guys," Katara says, and it's as though someone has poured cold water over Suki, reminding her that she and Sokka aren't the only ones in the room. "Let us see it."

Sokka steps away from Suki, his throat bobbing. Everyone else stands to crowd around her, to look at the rune. Toph pulls up the pictures on her phone, then looks back up. "It's the same type of rune structure," she confirms.

"Well, there we go," Suki says, dropping her hand to allow her to obscure the column of her neck again. "So what now?"

"Patrol as usual," Zuko says, running a hand through his hair. "The demons don't stop coming."

"I wish you would stop saying things that I want people to engrave on my headstone if I die," Katara sighs.

 _"If?"_ Sokka splutters.

"You mean Zuko's said lines like that before?" Toph asks.

"Oh, sure," Katara declares, grinning at him and crossing her arms. "He's actually very funny."

Zuko's cheeks turn a delicate shade of pink. "That's true. It's a shame none of you actually know it."

"I do," Suki says, faking offense.

He grins, but his expression turns serious again pretty fast. "Toph and Aang, get ready for patrol. I'm going to work on contacting Kyoshi."

For one moment, Zuko's eyes meet Katara's, and Suki can tell they have a pretty important conversation coming up.

"I think I'm gonna relax today," Suki says suddenly, walking towards the stairs.

"A Shadowhunter _relaxing?"_ Toph asks in mock alarm.

"You know I deserve it," she replies, waving her hand. Despite all the nonchalance, Suki already wants to remove herself from the situation and just lie in bed all day without having to think about the mess they've all gotten themselves into.

* * *

Suki gets about half an hour to herself before she hears a knock on her door.

"Come in," she calls tiredly, throwing an arm over her eyes. She can feel her parabatai rune buzzing as soon as the door opens, then clicks as it's shut again.

Sitting up, Suki glares blearily at Sokka. "Dude. What do you want?"

"Were you sleeping?" he asks, walking forward to go and sit on the edge of her bed.

"I was about to," she admits. "But I'm not sleepy anymore."

"Sorry," he mutters sheepishly. "I can come back later."

"No, it's okay," Suki replies, getting off of the bed and starting to clean up the mess on her desk. "It's not like you've never disturbed my sleep before."

Sokka puts a hand on his chest. "That is simply not true!"

She drops a pencil into the cup at the corner of her desk and turns around to glare at him. "Oh yeah? What about all the times you woke me up at three in the morning so that I could help you summon Bloody Mary in the bathroom? Or the time you forgot to study for the Clave midterm so you woke me up at two to help you review? And you kept me up until five in the morning and _we didn't even study!_ You just kept talking about the character arc of some dude from a show you were watching at the time."

He rolls his eyes. "Okay," he concedes. "I get your point. But I actually wanted to talk to you about something important."

Suki pauses for a moment in her cleaning before clearing her throat. "Okay, what did you wanna talk to me about?"

"Do you—can you—" Sokka sighs. "I didn't know how much you went through in Paris. I wish I could've come to help you sooner."

She turns around. 

"I'm okay now, Sokka," she says softly.

"I know," he replies, his voice equally quiet. He seems to be struggling with himself for a little bit. "Did you really mean it? That you didn't love me?"

The truth is going to be the end of them both, but the more she fights it, the more she seems to surrender to that all-encompassing conclusion. And suddenly _I can't_ seems like such a stupid, insubstantial statement, because it's not like that could have ever made her stop, no matter how hard she tried.

Suki can feel her eyes stinging. "No," she sighs. "No, I didn't mean it."

His eyes are clear and honest and achingly familiar. "I know."

She inhales sharply before raising her hands and then dropping them down to her sides. "I wish I didn't feel this way. But I do. I do, and I don't know how to stop. I don't know if I _can_ stop, if I ever even want to stop loving you the way I do now."

His expression is so bare and vulnerable that it makes her heart ache. "Come here," he says, and she's drawn towards him, walking forward until she stands in between his legs. 

Oh, she's going to suffer for whatever happens next. But she takes one look at that terrifyingly endless love in his eyes, and it seems to be worth it.

Sokka's hands linger at her hips, his thumbs curling under the hem of her shirt. One of his fingers rest on her parabatai rune, and it starts to hurt. Not in the way it usually does, but in a way that almost feels _right._ "Can I say it?" he asks her, his eyes pleading.

"Yes," she breathes, then closes her eyes. "Yes, Sokka."

"I love you," Sokka says without hesitation. "I love you."

His fingers brush her parabatai rune again, and she exhales sharply. Sokka notes the reaction and lifts the shirt a bit to stare at the black ink. He pauses for a bit, looking uncharacteristically nervous for a bit before leaning forward to softly kiss the dark, swirling lines. It's not the same as him kissing her on the lips, but it makes Suki's entire brain go haywire, although simultaneously bringing every other detail into alarmingly sharp focus. All of her other thoughts are slipping away like sand through her fingers, and the only thing that will be left behind is him. 

Always him.

"Beautiful," he says quietly.

Suki smiles at him. "Me or the rune?"

Sokka tugs her closer, putting his face against her waist. "The rune. Definitely the rune."

She grabs his arms and tugs him up so that he towers over her again, and Suki rises to her toes and tilts her head up until her nose is touching his.

"I love you," she says seriously. 

Sokka blinks, his eyelashes brushing the base of her forehead. "Suki—"

"I mean it," she implores, her voice soft but her words firm. "I love you. No trick, no lie. You're all I ever needed, even if I was too afraid to see that for so long."

He tilts his head down so that his forehead touches hers. "I know I shouldn't keep pushing you like this," he says, sounding infinitely sad. 

"You aren't pushing me."

Sokka sighs. "But you're right. I wish you weren't, but you're right. This isn't something that should've happened."

"It happened anyway," Suki tells him, and he puts his face in her neck, his nose touching the scar from the demonic rune. "Do you think either of us could have stopped this from happening?"

After a moment of silence, Sokka tilts his head to kiss the scar. "Tell me."

Suki swallows. "Tell you what?"

"Tell me stop," he says, lifting his head again. "Tell me to stop and I will. I promise."

There is a right choice, she supposes. To ask him to stop, to force herself to forget it all. To avoid any possibility of a curse, to live the way parabatai should live. There is a right choice, but it's not the right choice for her. Not now.

The only choice is him.

"Don't," Suki says, grabbing his hand and lifting it to put against her jaw. "Don't stop."

Sokka kisses her then, and everything falls into place. He holds her carefully enough to not aggravate any of her injuries, but he isn't gentle. There's desperation in his kiss, the kind that comes from years and years of waiting. 

_I loved you for so long,_ Suki thinks as she melts into his embrace, her fingers curling around locks of his hair. _I have loved you for as long as I can remember you, and I thought I was all alone._

But the way he keeps pulling her closer and closer and his small sighs of satisfaction in between their kisses tells Suki that maybe she hadn't been alone in the feeling. She feels like she's burning from the inside out, and she gladly surrenders herself to the fire.

She moves her hand to wrap her fingers around his arm, her palm right over his parabatai rune. Sokka gasps against her and pulls away a little, gazing down at her. "Suki," he sighs, and her name is a blessing on his lips. And there is nothing else left to say when he brings his head down to kiss her again.

_You can't do this, Suki. You can't._

They are falling—together, as they have always been. They fall and fall and they're caught by the familiar blankets and pillows, and as Sokka brings his hand to her parabatai rune again, they stop talking for some time.

* * *

When Suki opens her eyes, the sky has darkened, and she's surrounded by familiar warmth. She grins and turns around to face Sokka, and several emotions rise up at the sight of his sleeping, peaceful face. Love, of course, so strong and intense that it nearly scares her. Love and adoration, and then panic.

_Oh, my god._

In front of her, Sokka opens her eyes.

"Whoa," he mumbles. "How long have you been looking at me?"

"A minute."

He opens his eyes wider, fully awake now. "Oh, sure."

Suki reaches out and shoves his shoulder. "As if I could stand to look at your ugly face for longer than a minute."

"Ugly?" he asks, faking surprise. "That's not the impression you gave me when you—"

 _"Anyways,"_ Suki says, moving her hand to put it over his mouth. "I—"

There's a series of loud knocks on the door. "Suki?" Toph asks, her voice muffled.

"Oh, fuck me," Suki mumbles, sitting up.

"Again?" Sokka asks.

"Shut up. Yes, Toph?" she adds loudly.

"Can I come in?"

"Uh—um—I'm changing!" Suki yells, rolling off the bed and starting to grab her clothes. "What do you want?"

"Do you know where Sokka is?"

He shakes his head vigorously, sitting up and pulling the sheet to his chin. Suki widens her eyes. "Who's Sokka?" she blurts.

Sokka puts a hand on his forehead, shaking his head.

Toph pauses for a bit before answering. "Your _parabatai,_ you brainless worm."

"Oh, him," Suki says, grabbing her bra. "I'm sure I can find him. Why, do you need to tell him something?"

"Yeah, Katara wants to go on a patrol with him," Toph answers.

"Yeah, okay, I'll tell him." Suki tries to work with the clasp of her bra, but one of her arms are sore. Sokka reaches across the bed to do it for her, flicking her back when he's done. Suki turns around and glares at him, tossing his shirt towards his face. 

"Are you _still_ changing?" Toph asks in disbelief.

"I can't decide what to wear!" Suki says indignantly, pulling her shirt on. "Are you going to stand there until I come out?"

"What, are you hiding something? Besides, it's not like I can see it."

Suki, who had completely forgotten about this for some time, sighs in relief. "Whatever," she calls, then looks at Sokka, who's already fully dressed, leaning against her wall with a smirk on his face. A few seconds later, she hears Toph's footsteps, growing distant as she walks away.

"I wish I could've gone on patrol with you," he says.

"I think," Suki begins, "there wouldn't be much patrolling going on after what's happened."

"Right again," he says sadly, pushing himself off of the wall. He stands awkwardly for a second before walking over to her and kissing her soundly on the lips. "I'll see you when I get back."

She swallows, beginning to feel nervous. "Yeah. Be safe, alright?"

"Always am," Sokka answers, walking backwards out of the room while twirling his fingers in the air. Suki smiles, and she hopes it doesn't look as strained as it suddenly feels.

* * *

Sokka and Katara are gone by the time she goes downstairs, and finds Zuko in the library, reordering a bunch of books. He looks up at her, and he immediately frowns.

"What?" Suki asks, her voice coming out high and defensive.

Zuko narrows his eyes at her, then shakes his head. "You tell me."

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

He shrugs. "I don't know. Did something happen?"

Suki swallows. "No."

Zuko stares at her for a few more seconds then shrugs again. "Alright."

"What about you?" she asks. "How's your day?"

"Splendid," Zuko answers. "You're being kind of weird."

Suki contemplates him for a second, struggling with a decision.

_It's Zuko. He already knows too much._

"You wanna go on a drive?" she asks.

"Yes, actually," Zuko says, sighing in apparent relief. "I call driving."

* * *

The sky is dark by the time they've been driving for about half an hour, and neither of them have said a word.

"So—"

"I slept with Sokka."

Zuko turns his head so fast Suki worries he's going to get whiplash. _"YOU DID WHAT?"_

_"WELL, DON'T TAKE YOUR EYES OFF OF THE ROAD, YOU MORON!"_

He turns sharply onto the next exit and brings the car to an empty parking lot. Once the car's engine dies down, he turns in his seat.

"Say that again, but slowly," Zuko says.

Suki rolls her eyes and shifts in her seat. "Sokka and I—"

"Oh, my _GOD!"_ Zuko exclaims leaning back in his seat. "Oh, my god." Suki can only stare at him, completely dumbfounded. He's been more energetic in the past two minutes than he's been in the last two years. "I—am I the first to know?"

"Who else would I tell?" Suki asks indigantly.

Zuko shrugs. "Katara?"

"Oh, wonderful. Because when you sleep with someone, the first thing you do after is tell their sibling, right?"

"So I'm the first one to know?" Zuko asks, eyes wide.

Suki sighs impatiently. "Yes."

"I—wh—okay, when did it happen?"

Suki swallows. "Uh, a few hours ago."

Zuko shakes his head. "Oh, my god."

"Is that all you have to say?"

"For now, yes."

Suki huffs fine. "Now what did you want to tell me?"

Zuko slumps in his seat until his nose is nearly level with the bottom of the steering wheel. This is pretty impressive, given the fact that he's over six feet tall. "IkissedKatara."

"Come again?"

"Well, technically, she kissed me—I mean, I was gonna make the first move and then I panicked and—" He shakes his head. "No, no, no, I actually don't wanna talk about it anymore."

"I do!"

"I don't care. Let's go back to the part about you banging your parabatai."

"Let's not."

"No, let's," Zuko insists, sitting back up so fast his head hits the roof of the car. After swearing and a few hissed commands for Suki to stop laughing, he faces her again. 

Suki stares back at him.

"That's illegal," he says.

"No shit."

Zuko puts one elbow on the space between the seats and puts his chin in his hands. "Does he love you?"

Suki swallows. "Yes."

"And are you okay with that?"

She puts her face in his hands. "I messed up—we both messed up. This wasn't supposed to happen and he doesn't even know about the curse and it's going to get worse and I can't believe I let this happen and this is all my fault—"

"It's not your fault," Zuko says gently, reaching out to put a hand on her shoulder. "Breathe."

"I can't," she sighs. "I got carried away. And I don't know what's going to happen now."

Zuko pulls away, crossing his arms. "You're so deep in the shit I don't even know how to help you," he sighs.

"Yeah."

He glances sideways. "Is there a way to break the bond?"

Suki shakes her head. "Other than dying or exile away from each other, no."

"Suki—"

"Exile isn't an option. Maybe for me because I don't have a family, but Sokka does. He can't leave his sister behind. And if we're exiled, we both have to be exiled."

Zuko considers this for a moment.

"Maybe I can ask Kyoshi," Zuko says.

"Zuko—"

"She'll know—and she won't tell the Clave. I think we can trust her, Kee," Zuko implores. Suki swallows, looking away from him. "And before we figure something out—maybe you—maybe you two should stay away from each other."

"How the fuck am I going to explain that to him?"

"Maybe if you pull yourself together and tell him about the curse he'll understand," he answers tiredly. "I don't know."

They sit in silence for some time.

"We should be heading back to the Institute," Suki murmurs.

"Probably. But you still need to figure this out."

She groans. "I _know,_ Zuko."

He reaches out and ruffles her hair before starting up the car again. It feels better to have told Zuko, but as they get closer to home, the unease in the pit of her stomach continues to grow.

* * *

They're greeted by a strange sight when they finally enter the Institute's driveway—a woman standing by the front door, arms crossed. Suki reaches for the fan strapped to her hip, but Zuko raises his hand and shakes his head.

"Kyoshi?" he asks, getting out of the car. "I—we weren't expecting you so soon—"

"There's been a change of plans," Kyoshi says sharply as Suki walks over to join them. "Something has happened."

"What is it?" Suki asks, wondering why people couldn't just get to the point while talking.

She looks at them, and oddly, she looks genuinely worried. "It's your father and sister," she says to Zuko. "Alicante is under attack."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no beta we die like jet


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no beta we die like jet also im tired so if you find a fuck ton of grammar mistakes idk what to tell you 

There's something about an alarming announcement that makes it seem like you're trying to wade through pools of honey, time and movement slowing so much that your entire existence nearly comes to a complete standstill. Suki can see that blank, all-encompassing panic in Zuko's eyes now as he stands frozen on the steps of the Institute, his hands dangling loosely at his sides.

Kyoshi, however, doesn't appear to notice this, and if she does, she doesn't care. "They've accumulated a large number of people," she continues.

"How many?" Suki asks her, since Zuko doesn't seem to be in any position to be asking questions. She wishes she could reach out and comfort him, but there's no time for that now.

"Hundreds of Nephilim have gathered at the Brocelind Forest," Kyoshi says, looking down at her wrist at an expensive-looking watch. "Hundreds. Being lead by Azula Herondale."

Zuko seems to have recovered from his shock. "I'm calling Katara and Sokka back to the Institute," he says pulling his phone out and flicking his head so a lock of hair moves out of his eyes. Suki pushes the doors to the Institute open so Kyoshi can walk inside, and she glances at Zuko. "Go get Toph and Aang," he tells her softly. "Tell them we're Portaling to Idris as soon as Sokka and Katara get back." Zuko then glances at Kyoshi. "You will take us there, right?"

"Why else would I be here?" Kyoshi responds, crossing her arms. "Ask them to hurry up."

Zuko swallows and nods, putting the phone up to his ear. Suki bites her lip, watching him carefully.

"Yeah," he says. "I need you and Sokka to come back to the Institute." A pause. "She's at Alicante. She's about to attack and Kyoshi is taking all of us there now." He frowns as Katara offers her response. "No. We aren't leaving anyone behind, alright? Not even to protect the Institute."

Suki looks up then, swallowing. This is really happening, she realizes with a blank sort of horror, the type that makes her head spin and her throat tighten and her heart race. There's going to be a battle. They're at war now. 

"I know," Zuko murmurs softly, and Suki realizes she's missed the last bit of their conversation. "Come back, okay?"

He hangs up and looks at Suki. "They're on their way. Should be here in about ten minutes."

She nods and wanders into the library to find Toph lying on top of a table while Aang walks around in circles, reading from the book in his hands. He looks up, and so does Toph, weirdly. "How'd you know I was coming?" Suki asks.

"I heard you coming, big brain," Toph replies indignantly. "What is it?"

"We're all going to Alicante," Suki declares. "Get your gear and weapons."

"Why, what happened?" Aang asks, closing the book and setting it down before helping Toph get down from the table.

"Azula and Ozai are attacking," Suki tells them, crossing her arms. "Hurry up, Katara and Sokka will be back soon."

"How are we getting there?" Toph asks.

"Portal," she answers, before running upstairs and pulling her gear on. She digs out Ursa's jacket and pulls it on over her gear, then reaches for her mothers fans. Suki takes a minute to stare at the metal and _adamas,_ before sighing. _"Jehoel,"_ she murmurs softly, naming an angel to activate the _adamas._ The frames are suddenly illuminated by that familiar white glow, casting light over the darkened room. She glances sideways at the messily made bed, and tries to not think about the last time she was in it.

Sokka and Katara have gotten back by the time Suki's gotten all of her weapons and gear. They all stand, assembled in the entryway of the Institute. Suki meets Sokka's eyes as Kyoshi raises her hands and begins to make the Portal, and she's hit with an assortment of conflicting emotions.

_He doesn't know about the curse._

_And how the hell will I tell him?_

He frowns—he seems to have noticed the change in Suki's thoughts. 

"It's done," Kyoshi tells them. "I'm going in last."

"Suki and I will go first," Sokka declares, going to stand next to her. "There's a set destination, right?"

"Right," the warlock answers. As Suki takes Sokka's hand and walks towards the Portal, Kyoshi looks up. "Wait," she says, and Suki pauses, still holding on to her parabatai.

"What?" asks Sokka.

Kyoshi's eyes travel from Sokka's arm to Suki's hip—where their parabatai runes are. "Nothing," she says, her voice even and her expression unreadable. "Go."

Sokka glances sideways at Suki before gently tugging her forward and through the Portal.

* * *

To her relief, she steps out onto solid ground instead of straight into water. A few feet to her right, Lake Lyn's oddly metallic water glows, illuminated by the waning moonlight. It's almost morning here, she realizes.

"You okay?" Sokka asks, pulling his hair back and tying it.

"Fine," she murmurs.

Sokka looks like he wants to push, but Zuko and Katara appear a few seconds later. As Suki watches, Katara reaches out and brushes a stray lock of Zuko's hair away from his face, fingers ghosting over an old cut on his unscarred cheek. 

_They make it look so easy,_ Suki thinks.

Sokka's watching them as well—not with that brotherly sort of annoyance, but with a sad expression of regret that Suki suspects is on her face as well.

_He's your parabatai. Why do you lie to him, even now?_

Toph and Aang and Kyoshi are the last to appear. "I can Portal you again to directly outside Alicante's wards," Kyoshi offers.

"With all due respect, why didn't you do that the first time?" Toph asks, crossing her arms.

Kyoshi rolls her eyes—or, at least, Suki thinks she does. It's hard to tell when her glowing white eyes are showing. "Complicated warlock magic stuff. How's that for an answer?"

Toph shrugs. "Pretty good answer."

"That would be good, thank you," Zuko says, in response to Kyoshi's earlier suggestion. Kyoshi nods and waves her hand again, and the rocks and dirt around their feet begin to swirl until forming a wide circle in the air and forming a Portal. "I'm going in with you, but I'm not going into Alicante," she tells them. "I'll open the wards to let you guys in, but then I'm going straight to the Forest."

"Where Azula's forces are," Katara says, her throat bobbing.

"Yeah, there," Kyoshi says. "I—"

"Don't," Suki blurts. "We—I need to talk to you about something." 

Everyone else turns their heads to look at Suki, evidently expecting her to discuss it here.

"Privately," Zuko says, and Suki bites her tongue to keep from sighing in relief.

Kyoshi frowns but nods. "Alright. But not for long."

Suki nods before going through the Portal, bringing her to that same place just at the edge of Alicante. Zuko comes next, and walks over to her. "We're going to go to the weapons shop," he tells Suki. "Every Shadowhunter in the city over the age of eighteen is readying for battle. We just have to blend in."

"It won't be that simple," Suki says grimly.

"No, it won't," he agrees. "Most things never are."

* * *

Ursa was evidently expecting them—she doesn't look surprised when Zuko opens the door to reveal the five Shadowhunters and one warlock standing behind him. To Suki's surprise, Kyoshi steps forward and hugs Zuko's mother before venturing deeper into the shop. 

"That sword needs sharpening," Ursa says, jerking her chin towards Katara's weapon. Katara flushes and pulls it out, observing the blade before looking up. 

"Can you do it?" she asks, looking uncharacteristically nervous. Ursa reaches out briskly and plucks the hilt from Katara's fingers, and Zuko watches the whole interaction carefully. 

"So," Suki says loudly, bringing everyone's attention back to her, "what now?"

"The Nephilim march at sunset," Ursa tells them, sharpening Katara's sword with her brow furrowed in concentration. "That's when we go."

"Will there be enough of us to face Azula?" Aang asks, biting his lip.

"We can only hope," Zuko responds with an alarmingly sharp tone. "And if not..."

He doesn't finish the sentence—he doesn't have to.

"Okay," Toph says, a slight tremor in her voice. "First battle of the war then, huh?"

"The first and the last," Ursa answers, handing Katara's sword back to her. "The war has been going for a long time. A lot of you didn't know it yet."

Suki thinks of the Silent City, of the scar on her neck.

"Get some rest," Zuko's mom says. "Or train. Whatever you do, be ready by the time the sun sets."

Without another word, Suki ventures deeper into the shop and to the back, wandering up the stairs and back into the room she had stayed in last time. 

It doesn't take long for Sokka to get there, his gear shining in the dim golden light cast by the lamps outside her door, which he shuts on his way in.

"Hi," he says, sounding a little breathless. 

"I wanted to talk to you," Suki replies, feeling giddy and a little dizzy. 

He shrugs and lifts his palms. "I'm here."

But every thought is slowly retreating at the sight of him, the intoxicating comfort of his presence. He's walking towards her, or maybe she's walking towards him—or maybe they both come forward, meeting in the middle. 

_I have to tell you—I have to tell you the truth._

The words are there, but she can't say them. Like a sunflower turning to the sun, she tilts her head up and reaches for him, arms coming up around his neck as her fingers lace together at the back of his head. 

_I have to tell you that we can't do this. I have to tell you that this is wrong, that we could lose everything._

He kisses her then, softer than he has before. It's as though all of her senses have been sharpened tenfold, every point of contact between them stinging like a cut. Suki's parabatai rune aches and aches—and she suspects Sokka's does as well. But the pain doesn't seem to matter anymore.

_It does._

"I love you," he whispers in between kisses that grow in length. "I love you, Suki."

_Don't. You shouldn't love me._

She's lucky he isn't giving her a chance to answer—maybe he's afraid of what she'll say if she does. Suki knows she is—she can't predict anymore what she might say or not say. 

Instead she kisses him back, traitorously enjoying every moment, every time his arms tighten around her waist, keeping her as close to him as she has always wanted to be.

After a few minutes, Suki hears someone clear their throat softly and leaps away from Sokka, gasping.

"I'm guessing," says Kyoshi, standing in the doorway, "this is what you wanted to talk to me about."

Sokka glances sideways at Suki before looking at Suki. "We—"

"Save the explanation," Kyoshi says, putting a hand up. "I could feel that power when I saw the two of you together for the first time. The power of the curse."

"What curse?" Sokka asks, a touch of irritation beneath his words now.

Kyoshi looks genuinely alarmed as she looks at Suki again. "You didn't—never mind. There's something you need to know, Sokka."

Suki closes her eyes and looks down. "I was going to tell him."

"It doesn't look like it," Kyoshi responds, leaning against the wall. "Listen, Sokka. Haven't you ever wondered why parabatai couldn't fall in love?"

Sokka looks at Suki again, his lips parted in disbelief. "Do you know what she's talking about?"

He asks as if he already knows the answer. Inexplicably, Suki feels like crying.

"Yeah," he says, after Suki provides no answer. "I wondered."

Kyoshi regards them both with something like pity. "Your parabatai runes started to burn, didn't they?"

It's Sokka's turn to look pale and uncertain. "Yes," he admits, and Suki looks up. "Mine did. And so did Suki's."

"And your runes got more powerful."

"Suki almost died," Sokka says after a moment of hesitation. "I saved her. Or—she saved herself. With my help."

"And then there were black lines around your runes," Kyoshi continues, looking down. "And after that, they glowed with heavenly fire."

Suki closes her eyes, unable to look at Sokka anymore. 

"What does any of that mean?" Sokka asks Kyoshi, his voice still perfectly even.

"The curse of the parabatai is bringing you as close to becoming a true Nephilim as possible. It's making you more and more powerful every day, but if you let it go too far, you'll become unstoppable. And not in a good way. You'll be killing anyone and everyone in your way."

"The curse," Sokka repeats blankly.

"Yes," Kyoshi answers gravely. "Because you fell in love with each other."

Suki looks up. "I thought it only happened when one fell in love with the other," she says, blinking.

Kyoshi looks sad all of a sudden. "I don't know who told you that, but that's a lie. It takes both of the parabatai to change everything, do you understand?"

"You knew," Sokka says suddenly.

Suki tries to ignore him. "How do we stop it?"

"There's not much that can be done."

"But there _is_ something."

Kyoshi nods. "Yes. But you won't like it."

"Then don't tell us," Sokka responds shortly.

"No," Suki protests, avoiding his gaze. "No, we— _I_ need to know. Sokka and I could lose everything if we let this happen. If anyone finds out, we lose our family, our place in the Shadow World. And if no one finds out and we let this go, we lose our friends."

"And possibly your lives," Kyoshi adds. "I haven't heard of it happening before, but I can make a pretty well-educated guess and say that you won't survive the process of transforming into—true Nephilim. Your bodies simply won't be able to handle it, so much angelic power."

"So _tell us,"_ Suki pleads. "There's too much at stake here. _All_ of us need to understand that."

Kyoshi exhales softly. "Exile. But not the kind that Shadowhunters utilize as punishment for breaking the Law. That would work, too, but that would also diminish your angelic power. And that's not something I want to put either of you through. Exile from each other specifically."

"How long?" Suki asks.

Kyoshi's eyes, green now and hidden with a powerful glamour, are sad. "Forever."

* * *

It's raining by the time Suki makes her way out of the stifling weapons shop. She's barely thirty feet away from the shop before someone reaches out and grabs her arm, forcing her to turn around.

"You knew," Sokka says, his blue eyes glowing with barely suppressed anger. "You knew this whole time and you didn't tell me."

"Sokka, I—"

"How long did you know?" he snaps, letting go of her arm as if holding her burns him. Maybe it really does.

The rain is soaking into Suki's hair. "Since Paris," she tells him.

He reaches up to pinch the bridge of his nose as he turns away from her.

"What, you think it would've been _that_ easy for me to tell you something like that?" she hisses. "I was _scared,_ okay? Azula knew about the curse and that's why she wanted me, because she knew I would get powerful enough to do whatever it is she wanted to do. And I thought if you yourself didn't know about what could happen to you, you'd be safer—"

"That makes no fucking sense," he responds, turning to face her again, raindrops rolling down the bridge of his nose. "Azula already knew. You weren't doing me a favor by keeping me in the dark about it!"

"I was trying to protect you!" she screams, feeling dully grateful that there aren't many open shops or houses around here. 

"It was stupid, Suki! And you're _not_ stupid," he responds, his chest heaving. "You weren't thinking clearly."

"Because I _can't!_ Not when it comes to you, not when it comes to the idea that you might be in danger! I was stupid and I know that and I know I was being selfish but you can't blame me."

"I'm not blaming you," Sokka tells her, and his voice has gone quiet. "But I'm your parabatai. And I wish you had just been honest with me like we promised when we tied ourselves to each other like this."

He turns on his heel and walks away before Suki can respond, and her tears begin to mix with the raindrops on her face.

* * *

Suki wanders into the weapons shop about an hour later, after having wandered around Alicante but staying out of sight.

"Where the _hell_ have you been?" Zuko asks, leaning against the weapons counter with his arms crossed.

"None of your fucking business," Suki responds, pushing rain soaked hair out of her face. "I'm going to go shower."

"Did _anyone_ see you?" Zuko asks urgently.

"No," she responds. "Can you stop interrogating me now?"

Zuko narrows his eyes. "Sokka looked pretty upset earlier. What was that about?"

Suki swallows, repressing a shiver from the rain in her clothes. "Kyoshi told him—us about the curse."

She must look really bad, for Zuko walks over to her and pulls her into a hug, wet clothes and all. 

"I'm sorry," he says, but they both know an apology will do her no good. 

Suki allows herself ten seconds of weakness and comfort before pulling away. "I'll figure it out," she tells him. "I always do."

She trudges upstairs and into the shower, thinking as she washes her hair and eventually comes out, pulling on a fresh pair of gear—one of Ursa's older sets.

_Sokka._

Suki will have to find him—and figure out what will happen next. Where they will go from here, where they stand with each other. 

Reluctantly, she comes out of her bedroom to find Sokka in the hallway outside, apparently having just arrive. He pauses when he sees her, and she gives him that opportunity—to choose whether he wants to figure it out now or walk away.

He comes forward.

"After the battle," he says in a soft voice once he reaches her, "we start making plans."

Suki swallows, staring up at him. 

"We were supposed to be leaving on our travel years anyway," he says, fidgeting with his hands. "We can say we had a major falling out and decided to separate entirely."

"Right," Suki says, trying to keep her voice brisk and even. "I'll go back to Tokyo. I'll live there. And you can do your travel year somewhere and come back to Los Angeles so you don't have to separate with your sister."

"Right," he breathes. "And that's just—the end of it."

Suki grits her teeth. "You can't call. You can't write. You can't contact me in any way, do you understand? Once we leave, it's over. We don't know each other."

He nods. "I'll fight with you one last time," he promises, and then sighs. It looks as though it takes him a great deal of effort to get the next words out. "And then it's over."

Tears rise to Suki's eyes. "I'm doing this for you. All of you. All of us."

"I understand that," he answers. "I understand."

He starts to walk away, but Suki's mind gets the better of her. "Wait," she says, her hands shaking. "Wait."

Sokka turns.

"Kiss me," she says suddenly. "Just—one time. To—to get it out of our systems."

It's a useless, insubstantial argument, but that evidently doesn't matter—the next thing she knows, her back is hitting the wall as Sokka walks forward and kisses her hard, his hands tightening around her hips. He has her so closely pressed up against the wall that it makes all the buckles and weapon hilts of her gear dig into Suki's flesh, but it doesn't matter. It never matters, not when she can have him like this, not when she can kiss him like—

Sokka lets go of her, pushing her away slightly, the action slightly less gentle than he intended it to be.

"That's—did that work?" Suki asks.

"No," Sokka replies tersely, turning away to go back downstairs. "It didn't."

* * *

"It's time," Ursa says a few hours later when they all gather in the main part of the shop. "Go and try to blend in with the crowd."

"Are you going to fight?" Suki asks softly, polishing her fans one last time before setting the cloth down. 

Ursa swallows. "I would—I wish—" She shakes her head, sighing. "I would like to fight for you. With you. But Ozai—"

"It's okay," Suki says quickly, sparing her the pain of saying it. "I understand."

She reaches forward and touches Suki's cheek. "You are so much like your mother," Ursa says softly, before lowering her hand. "Please be safe."

"You, too," Suki murmurs, before turning to face her friends in turn. 

She looks at Sokka last. "Are you ready?" she asks all of them, but she's still only looking at her parabatai, the center of her universe.

"We are," Zuko confirms. One by one, they file out of the shop, leaving Suki and Sokka to go last. 

She wants to hold him, to say something comforting—that they'll make it out of this, they'll make it out of her alive. But there is no more of that between them, not anymore.

And Suki will have to hope that kiss earlier was the right way to say goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please keep in mind that this doesnt /totally/ follow the way certain things work in cc's books


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw/cw // lots of violence in this chapter
> 
> beta'd by the lovely sarah !

Suki isn't unfamiliar with the feeling of a coming fight. She is Nephilim—battle is in her blood. It always has been.

And yet there's something different about today, another type of anticipation running through her that sets her blood on fire. She feels more energetic and powerful than she ever has before.

It's not a good sign.

Her runes burn—all of them. A consistent sting, a feeling that makes her that much faster, that much stronger, that much more alert. Everything feels sharper, and yet dangerously off balance as she merges with the crowd of Shadowhunters going to fight in the forest surrounding Alicante. Kyoshi marches with them, having glamoured her eyes to look normal, and she wears gear.

"Why are you fighting with us like this?" Suki murmurs softly as the Shadowhunters slowly begin to assemble at the place where Azula's forces had called them too. It's a nice place, a massive clearing surrounded by gently swaying trees.

Kyoshi's expression is grim. "I'm keeping an eye on you," she says, then sighs. "And Sokka, too, I suppose."

Suki blinks. "We're fine."

"You aren't. I can feel it..."

Kyoshi trails off, looking possibly even more ominous than before.

"Feel _what?"_ Suki pushes with a touch of irritation. 

"The curse. You're getting too strong, Suki. You need to stay away from him."

"What, from Sokka?" she hisses in reply. "Kyoshi, I know—I know what you need us to do, alright? I understand that. But we're at the edge of a battle right now. I have to fight with him. I may not be able to be his parabatai, but I can't go back on the oath, not as long as our bond exists."

"You Nephilim and your honor," Kyoshi spits. "I can already feel you burning from the inside out." She raises a palm and puts the back of it against Suki's forehead. "You can't feel it. You feel _good,_ don't you? Like you could kill every Shadowhunter in this clearing without breaking a sweat."

Suki stares.

"I wouldn't phrase it like that," she says finally.

"No, of course you wouldn't," Kyoshi replies. "It's too dangerous. And I can feel his power, too, and he's far from here."

"What if something happens to him?" Suki pleas, unable to keep the note of panic out of her voice. Sure, she's gone on patrol without him many times—parabatai did not always fight side by side, but in a battle as important as this is about to be, it feels undeniably wrong to be leaving Sokka alone.

"He can handle himself. God, I shouldn't even be letting you two fight right now."

 _"Let_ us?"

"Listen to me." Kyoshi's expression is so sharp and authoritative that it immediately drives any thought of protest from Suki's mind, and Suki isn't the type to naturally fall prey to firm authority. "You two are walking time bombs. I—I miscalculated, alright? But the curse has been manifesting for longer than I thought it was, and to put it in terms that can be easily digested by your grape-sized Nephilim brain, you're going to erupt into columns of heavenly fire and kill everyone and do exactly what Azula Herondale has been planning if you stay near each other. Do you understand?"

Suki glares at her as they walk for some time. "Why do you hate Nephilim so much?"

"I don't hate the Nephilim. I like some of them. You, sometimes. Zuko and his mother. A lot more, too, actually."

Suki takes a moment to process this, and then thinks about Sokka—as she always does, in the end.

"Have you ever been in love with a Shadowhunter?" Suki asks abruptly. This makes Kyoshi turn her head sharply, her green eyes burning with an intensity that hints to what lies beneath the glamour. Suki bites back the urge to start stuttering and stammering. "It's just—I've been thinking. Downworlders aren't—well, it's not illegal, I guess, but relationships between Downworlders and Shadowhunters aren't really accepted."

"And you're wondering whether I've been stupid enough to want something I could never have?" Kyoshi asks. Suki's face heats and she looks away.

Kyoshi's voice softens. "Once. I loved a Shadowhunter."

Suki keeps her eyes on the floor, feeling a bit like a scolded child. But curiously gets the better of her. "What was their name?" she asks meekly.

Kyoshi swallows—it's a startlingly human gesture. "Her name was Rangi. It was a long time ago."

Suki looks up, eyes wide. _"The_ Rangi?"

Kyoshi huffs out a small laugh. "Yeah. 'The.'"

Suki sighs softly looking away. "Do you think—do you think that's why all of this happened? Do you think this happened because I actually love Sokka, or because I saw what I couldn't have and immediately felt the urge to need it?"

The warlock looks alarmed by the question. "That's—I don't know how to answer that." She laughs, a little self-consciously. "I've been alive for a very long time, Suki. I am not an optimist. But here—I want to believe that you really love him. I mean, not just that, but I look at you two, and I hope I see two people who really love each other. Right people in the wrong situation, I guess."

Suki doesn't answer.

Kyoshi turns to look at her. "I know you can't tell and you don't look it, but right now—physically, you're sick. You're really sick. And I need you to stay away from him." She looks back up again. "You cannot physically survive the transition from human to true Nephilim. You'll burn for a bit, kill a bunch of people, maybe—and then it's over. There won't be enough of you left to live." She reaches out and touches Suki's shoulder. "Promise me."

Suki's alarmed by the urgency of her voice. "I can't promise."

"Try, at least."

With that, Kyoshi slips into the crowd before Suki can say anything more about it. She's now left alone, all of the others having integrated into different parts of the crowd in order to blend in. 

A few minutes later, the speeches begin. Hundreds and Hundreds of Nephilim, here to fight.

No matter how hard she tries, Kyoshi's words of warning slowly melt away.

She doesn't pay too much attention to what the adult Shadowhunters are saying about what's to come, but she knows it's going to big.

She knows they're nearly outnumbered. 

She knows many will die.

There are tents set up all around the clearing, and she can feel Sokka's presence in one of them like the tug at the end of an iron thread. 

To her immense relief, he's alone in the tent, fingers hovering over a map of the forest.

"I felt you coming," he says, not looking up from the map as she ventures deeper in the tent. "I couldn't do that before. Not as much as I can now."

"I'm not supposed to be here," Suki tells him.

At this, Sokka lifts his head and turns to face her. "The exile starts after the battle, Suki. We don't need to avoid each other now."

She huffs impatiently. "We do. It's—a long story, but we do."

"You're so cryptic," he mutters. 

Impatiently, Suki explains the possibility of them becoming—true Nephilim or whatever it is. When she's done, Sokka sighs through his nose, leaning back against the table behind him.

"What if something happens to you?" he says after a moment.

Despite everything, she feels a touch of defensiveness. "I don't need you to protect me."

"Of _course_ you don't," Sokka replies, a little desperately. "But I always had your back, Su, and you always had mine! Now you expect me to just—you expect us to walk away from that?"

Suki reaches up and presses her hands to her cheeks. "You're one of the smartest people I know, Sokka."

His throat bobs as he swallows. "I—yeah. I know why. But it's just hard to accept what you're asking me to do."

Suki makes careful note of the distance between them, and her heart aches. She had been selfish for some time, long enough to understand what it would be like to have him. To touch him, hold him, kiss him as if they could have had everything.

She thinks of what she had asked Kyoshi before, and swallows.

"I've been thinking," Sokka says softly.

"Was it hard?" Suki replies reflexively, but there is no humor between them now.

Sokka huffs out a humorless laugh. "After this ends... _if_ this ends..."

Suki waits patiently for him to finish.

"I could write to you," he finishes haltingly. "Once a year. Just to let you know I'm alive. That I'm—still there."

"You probably can't," she replies tonelessly. This statement is most likely true, but it's not the only justification Suki has for shooting down the idea. She tries to imagine how it would be, wasting her life counting down the days to when she receives some useless piece of paper, a text from a number that changes every year. She tries to imagine seeing—reading about him growing old and living without her through a series of meaningless words.

"I know," Sokka replies. "But I kind of like the idea. Don't you?"

Suki can't even bring herself to say no. Although, she gets the feeling that Sokka already knows.

He sighs. "I don't regret it, Suki. I wish I could. I try to. But honestly—I can't."

"You should!" she shoots back, the words coming out sharper and more vehement than she intended. Suki feels the sudden urge to grab him, to shake his shoulders to try and make him see some sense. "This—this _ruined_ us, Sokka. Loving you _ruined_ me."

"So are you angry now?" he replies, infuriatingly calm other than the way his eyes shine. "Are you angry at me because you love me?"

Frustration makes her blood boil—she feels dangerously out of touch with her emotions, not the perfect picture of calm composure a Shadowhunter should be. 

"Why are you _here?"_ he pushes, his voice rising now. "To remind me of what I can't have? Of what I lose every single time I see you? Are you here to just torture me, Suki?"

"It's not about you," she spits.

Sokka puts his face in his hands. "You're not even understanding me. You used to understand me so easily."

"Don't get fucking nostalgic with me," Suki replies, feeling simultaneously exhausted and filled with adrenaline. Her hands are trembling—also not a good sign.

"Fine," Sokka replies shortly. "You said your piece, and I'll listen. Now leave."

The crushing desire for the way things used to be is so visceral that Suki nearly stumbles on her way out of the tent. Long forgotten inside jokes and easy smiles, and now it would never, ever be the same.

Tears sting the backs of her eyes, and she ventures just past the tree line surrounding the clearing, every sound ten times amplified, even though she doesn't remember putting on a Hearing rune.

An unfamiliar pricks her ears after a moment—footsteps.

She straightens, glancing around the trees surrounding her, the tents just visible in the distance. Slowly, her hand creeps to her fans.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," a familiar, drawling voice says from behind her.

Suki grits her teeth before turning slowly on her heel. 

Sure enough, Azula leans demurely against a tree, wearing gear, her black hair pulled back into a bun. It's messy, and uneven, choppy pieces of her hair hang about her head. She looks completely disheveled, but the sight of her still makes Suki's skin crawl with memories and fear.

A phantom pain in her neck.

"I suppose you're not alone," Suki says after a minute.

Azula raises her hands. "It's just me."

Suki laughs. "Sure, it is." She walks closer to her. "You know the truth. You wouldn't be stupid enough to come and try to face me alone."

"You won't even try it," Azula scoffs. "You're not exactly at the peak of mental stability right now."

"And you are?" Suki hisses.

Azula reaches up and tugs the collar of her gear down so swiftly that Suki raises her fans. On her neck, nearly at the same spot Suki herself has it, a reddish black rune stands out against her pale skin. "I'm just as powerful as you now. And I've got hundreds and _hundreds_ of Nephilim with those same runes. And that's not all."

"What next?" Suki pushes, trying to keep her voice even. "You'll magically convince me to join your demon Shadowhunter army?"

"I have the Mortal Instruments," Azula says, grinning widely.

"No, you don't. Nobody knows what the third one is. And the Cup and the Sword—"

"Are in my possession," she replies with casual ease. "The sword'll help."

Suki grits her teeth. "No Shadowhunter is powerful enough to wield Maellertach in battle," she murmurs, uttering the true name of the sword. "It was created and used by the angels and the gods. Nephilim aren't meant to use it at all except for their trials because it makes the bearer speak the truth."

"I'm not going to fight with it," she says with a touch of impatience, as if she's explaining something to a particularly slow child. "But with the three Mortal Instruments, I can raise the Angel. Raziel. The most powerful Angel of all. And he'll owe me one wish."

Suki swallows—she knows all of this. "And what will your wish be?"

Azula smiles. "You already know."

Suki lunges, intending to cut Azula's throat with the sharp edge of her fan, but she's gone before Suki can make it halfway across the distance between them. Whether Azula ran or just disappeared into thin air, Suki can't tell.

Either way, she's nowhere in sight, and Suki grits her teeth.

In the distance, the shouting starts.

* * *

The clearing is nearly empty when she gets back to it, and the yelling comes from a nearby field. 

Suki holds up her fans and sprints towards the noise, her heart pounding in her ears. She feels like she's moving too fast, her mind unwillingly touching on a bank of memories of the early days of Sokka driving. So many nights where they would sneak out of the Institute and hurtle down a rarely deserted highway, murmured conversations about how Iroh would surely kill them audible even over the car engine.

Her throat closes up. _Sokka._

_Where is he?_

The battle is in full swing now, the sides distinguishable only by the runes upon the bodies of the Nephilim. She throws herself into the fray and tries to not think about Sokka, the shining metal of her fans cutting cleanly across the air.

She cuts down the first opponent within minutes, a beautiful Nephilim woman with strawberry blonde hair matted with blood. Suki freezes for a second when the woman's body hits the floor, remembering those two men who had been at the Institute that night.

But she can't dwell on that now. She has to keep moving. She has to be okay with killing these Nephilim.

There's no hope for them now. Suki had gauged that much from those pretentious pre-battle speeches.

She nearly runs right into Zuko about twenty minutes later, and is alarmed by the blood gushing from a hole in a slightly softer part of his gear, just around his right shoulder.

"Here," he says urgently, pulling the torn material to the side and quickly tapping the gash in his pale skin. With steady hands, she pulls out her stele and quickly draws a healing rune. "Jesus," Zuko says after a moment, exhaling sharply. "That's a powerful rune."

The nervous anticipation in Suki's chest builds. "Thanks," she mutters. 

There's a barely-there sound that attacks her oversensitive ears, and Suki hisses a warning to Zuko before she twists her wrist and chucks her fan away from herself, watching as it finds its mark in the middle of a man's chest, cutting clear through the material of the gear. Another demonic Shadowhunter approaches and Zuko turns his body to bring the blade of his sword through her neck.

The other woman's head topples off of her neck and to the bloodstained grass, coming to rest at Suki's feet.

"Gross," Zuko says.

"No kidding," Suki mumbles in response, kicking the head away with the toe of her boot.

Zuko glances at her then, concern evident in his golden eyes. "You okay?"

She nods wordlessly, looking up from the head lying on the ground. Zuko, however, isn't convinced, and he frowns. "Where's Sokka?" he pushes. "Shouldn't he be with you?"

"He's exactly where he needs to be," Suki says, before running off to help another Shadowhunter take down one of the demonic ones. Thankfully, Zuko doesn't follow her to ask more questions—she's not sure how she would respond if he did.

* * *

It's messy and violent and painful, but Suki is glad for the endless destruction of battle. It is better than thinking about Sokka. 

Better than thinking about how he should be by her side, fighting with her and protecting her the same way she's supposed to protect him. They had made some serious promises to each other, and now she has to act like their oath means nothing.

At the very least, she hopes he's okay. Suki can still feel him somewhere here, that same iron thread that connects them both. A pull so strong that a part of her longs to find him. She wonders if she will still feel that connection that strongly if and when this ends, when she inevitably goes away to Tokyo and loses him forever.

_He's going to okay. He can live without me._

And of course, Suki can live without him. But it always comes down to whether she wants to.

She can't think about him now. It will only make her feel more helpless, more out of control.

Now, Suki can only focus on the threat ahead.

Azula had said hundreds, but it feels as though thousands of the demonic Shadowhunters are advancing towards her, marking her as the center of the mass crippling of their army. She can't even remember how many Shadowhunters she's killed today, and the thought makes her a little sick.

There is no point in mourning them now. They have an allegiance to the demonic and to Azula, and have been too far gone to recognize their friends or family or the moral high ground for quite some time now. She tells herself this every few minutes, but it cannot seem to excuse the corpses that build in numbers in the path she weaves around the field.

But it's getting to be too much now, too many Nephilim coming for her. 

_Maybe you could let them kill you,_ a small voice in her head says. _That would make both you and Sokka useless to Azula._

But she'll still be able to summon the Angel. Suki is reminded of this with grim clarity, and it explains why Azula wasn't too hell-bent on taking Suki captive in their earlier meeting. It seems as though she has thought of everything.

And if Suki and Sokka can't give her their combined power in some way, Azula will just ask the Angel to put all the remaining Shadowhunters under their influence. She tries to imagine that, a world with all Downworlders destroyed, a world overrun with demons and controlled by Nephilim loyal to hell and its commander.

She shivers. _I can't do this. I can't take them all._

There are too many coming for Suki now, and for one moment of breathtaking truth, she realizes she's going to die.

_I can't die. Not like this. Not so easily._

Her parabatai rune burns—all of her runes burn, and she feels that terrifyingly endless surge of power come through her as she raises her fans and begins to move fast, faster than she ever has before. A deep calm settles over her as she cuts down Nephilim after Nephilim, the metal surfaces of her fans painted red.

Suki's heart skips a beat when a familiar figure appears in her peripheral vision, cutting down just as many demonic Shadowhunters.

"Didn't think you could take them all on your own, did you?" Sokka says, wiping a trickle of blood from his mouth before chucking his boomerang away from him. It flies back into his hand a few moments later, just as Suki sees another body fall in the distance.

"Show off," she replies. "You could just use your sword."

"I like my sword," he says thoughtfully as he buries it in another Shadowhunter's body. "But swords are, in general, boring. The boomerang is much more appealing for the aesthetic."

"We're about to die and you're worried about the _aesthetic?!"_ Suki wails, beheading one of the men advancing towards her. Secretly, she's glad for the banter, as if their conversation in the tent had never happened.

"I'm always worried about the aesthetic!" he replies indignantly, bringing his sword around in a wide arc and killing at least three of the attackers in one blow. Sokka looks surprised for a second, as if he hadn't been expecting to do that. The expression makes Suki feel as though someone has poured cold water over her, reminding her of what Kyoshi had warned her about.

That moment of hesitation nearly costs them both their lives. But either luckily or unluckily, Suki and Sokka are not what they used to be. In one lightning-fast movement, Suki skids across the ground to avoid a volley of arrows shooting towards her, and reflexively brings her fans around in a wide arc through the air. And to her immense surprise and dull horror, it's as though some unstoppable force emanates from the movement, knocking down all of the Shadowhunters around her in forty-foot radius. At a closer look, Suki realizes they're all dead, blood streaming from their mouth, their ears, their eyes.

She looks away.

At the same moment, Sokka leaps into the air and brings his sword down into another Nephilim, and this too creates a force that strikes down the remaining Shadowhunters in the crowd around them.

Sokka's mouth parts in surprise as they survey the dead Shadowhunters around them. The fighting is still going, the battle still raging, but for the two of them, everything seems to freeze as they take in the destruction they caused together.

Suki rises to her feet unsteadily. "Go," she says sharply. "Leave me."

"Suki—"

"Don't argue," she snaps. "I can handle the rest."

Sokka bites his lip as he stares at her for a few more seconds before nodding and jogging away. The calmness and surge of power immediately dulls noticeably, nearly knocking the wind out of her. Suki swears under her breath as she adjusts her grip on her fans and throws herself into battle again.

Luckily, she isn't met by any other large mobs of Shadowhunters, but she still has to keep killing. 

_Don't mourn them. There's no point._

Subconsciously, she searches the field again for Sokka, and is alarmed to not see him anywhere. Even the connection between them seems suddenly weak.

_Stop it. Stop thinking about him._

Suki tries to take her mind off of the worry that causes, and keeps fighting.

But then her parabatai rune starts to burn. It's a different sort of pain—not the brief bursts of agony she used to feel when the curse first developed, not the pleasant warmth she would feel while kissing Sokka. No, this is different. This hurts infinitely more.

And then there's the pain somewhere else. As far as she know, that brief period of them sharing injuries has passed, but she can feel some of them to some extent. And if the horrible agony in both her parabatai rune and her side is any indication, something horrible has happened to Sokka.

She clutches the spot where her rune is and tries to recover, before steeling herself and beginning to run.

* * *

The pull of the connection, getting stronger and stronger by the minute, takes her to Lake Lyn, of all places. It's totally deserted, except for two figures by the bank of the shining waters. 

_"STOP!"_ she screams as she sees Azula leaning over Sokka's body. 

"Oh, good!" Azula exclaims, straightening to look at her. "It's actually really good that both of you are here. Trust me, Sokka's okay. Or, he will be. Injuries don't matter much to him right now."

Suki raises her fans, trying not to tremble at the sight of Sokka lying on the ground.

"Go on!" Azula says pleasantly. "Check if he's okay. I'm not lying."

_Azula always lies._

Suki pushes past the younger Herondale and drops to her knees next to Sokka.

"I'm okay," he says faintly to Suki when she puts a hand on his face. And for the most part, he does seem okay—Suki can't seem to find any major injuries. "You aren't supposed to be here," he whispers softly.

"I know," Suki replies softly. "How'd you even get here?"

He smiles ruefully, trying to sit up. Suki puts a hand at the small of his back, supporting him. "Thought I could take her. But she's different, somehow."

Suki shakes her head. "You're stupid. You're so, _so stupid."_

"No, you are," he hisses, his voice suddenly severe. "We were set up, don't you see? She got us both together."

Her blood goes cold, but she ignores. "You expected me to leave you to die?"

Sokka nods, his eyes shining. "That's exactly what I expected. You were always smart about this sort of thing."

"This is all extremely touching, actually," Azula drawls. "But I'm on a little bit of a tight schedule, if you can tell by looking around."

Suki lifts her head, and her gaze travels to an assortment of objects by the lake. An old, ornate cup, and a gleaming sword.

She looks up at Azula. "The Mortal Instruments," she breathes. "But you—you don't have the third one."

"Actually, I do," Azula replies with a self-assured smile. "You're right by it. The Mortal Mirror."

Suki turns her head to see herself reflected in the water of Lake Lyn, and the realization hits her with the force of a truck.

"The lake," Sokka mumbles, resting his head against her shoulder. "The lake is the third Mortal Instrument."

Panic is replaced with blank rage, and Suki gently pushes Sokka away before rising to her feet and lunging towards Azula, aiming to kill her. But Azula is as fast as her, and just as powerful.

_Keep fighting. You have to keep fighting._

A punch in the face, a kick in the chest, metal sliding across skin. Suki can barely feel the pain now, and she knows it's not because of the curse. She knows it is because of her own anger, her own pain, her own will. 

She _will_ kill Azula.

"Keep fighting," Azula says gleefully, dodging a well placed blow with Suki's fans. "It'll only make you stronger. It'll only give me what I want."

A part of Suki knows she should stop, but she's too angry now. Azula has hurt her and her family too many times.

A punch in the face, a kick in the chest, metal sliding across skin.

"It's all happening exactly the way I wanted it to," she says, with a smile that could only be described as angelic.

And then, it's as though someone has crawled into Suki's body and has begun cutting her open from the inside. The pain is so sudden and all encompassing that she falls to her knees, and in the distance, she hears Azula scream in anguish, as if she really cares what happens to her.

Suki slides in and out of consciousness for a moment, gasping. _Sokka. Sokka. S—_

She opens her eyes, and her vision clears. And in the distance, Sokka lies on his back by the lake, his hands wrapped around the hilt of the Mortal Sword, and the blade buried deep in his chest. As Suki watches, he slowly pulls the sword out and drops it next to him, letting it clatter noisily against the rocks.

The scream that comes out of Suki's mouth comes almost against her will, like someone reached into her throat and wrenched the sound out of her. 

By some miracle, she does not feel him die. And in the distance, she can see him moving a little, trying to raise himself on his elbows. Being stabbed by the Mortal Sword should have killed him immediately.

His eyes meet hers, and instinctively, Suki raises her hand.

The hilt of the sword flies into her palm, the blade still bright red. In the corner of her vision, Azula backs away, looking horrified.

Every other thought is gone. Every fear, every worry.

And Suki is all that remains.

She runs towards Azula, the sword fitting perfectly into her hand as if it was made for her. The perfect weight, obeying every subconscious thought of hers. She backs Azula to the edge of the shore and jumps, raising Maellertach high.

And everything seems to slow down for a moment, and Suki sees herself reflected in the water—holding the sword, covered in blood, the moon behind her illuminating her with a silver glow as if she herself was an Angel.

The blade comes down on empty air however—between one moment and the next, Azula just seems to disappear, leaving behind the faint scent and taste of electricity.

Suki gasps and falls to her knees, dropping the sword and crawling over to Sokka.

He's still alive when she finally grabs his arms, his eyes half-shut as he tries to focus on her.

"You idiot," she says between trembling gasps, fumbling for her stele. She begins to draw healing runes on his chest, but they fade immediately. "You _stupid, stupid idiot."_

The healing runes continue to fade.

"Suki," he says softly. "Suki, stop."

"Draw it with me," she pleads. "Draw it with me like you did in patrol. It'll work."

"I don't want it to work," he tells her.

Suki grabs his hand, but he is unresponsive. He just watches her work, watches her draw the healing runes over and over. 

"It was supposed to be like this," Sokka murmurs, in what he thinks must be a reassuring voice. "You have to let it happen."

She shakes her head. Maybe her hands are shaking too much for her to draw the rune correctly. She tries to steady them, but it's a futile effort.

"Suki," he says again. "Look at me."

"Shut up," she replies, drawing the rune for what feels like the millionth time. "Just shut up."

"When I first met you," he starts, his words a little garbled by the blood trickling out of his mouth, "I couldn't tell what color your eyes were."

"Stop talking."

"I thought they were green," he continues. "At first. And then they looked blue for a while."

"Shut _up,_ Sokka."

"They look kind of grey, too," Sokka murmurs. "And I loved your eyes no matter what color I thought they were. And then I looked at your eyes so much that I finally figured it out. It's a mix of all of those colors. Like the ocean. Blue and green and a little bit of grey."

Suki swallows. _Draw it again. Draw it again._

 _"Look_ at me," he says gently. "Please, just look at me."

With shaking hands, she lifts her head to turn it towards him. He is as perfect as ever, despite all the small injuries and blood on his face. 

"Your eyes," he says in a voice so quiet that she barely hears it, and the world goes white.

* * *

_Entreat me not to leave thee,  
Or return from following after thee—  
For whither thou goest, I will go,  
And where thou lodgest, I will lodge.  
Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.  
Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried.  
The Angel do so to me, and more also,  
If aught but death part thee and me._

_"Is the rune supposed to itch?" Sokka asks softly, fidgeting in his dress shirt._

_"I don't know," Suki replies, wishing she could lift her dress and look at her own new parabatai rune, but that probably wouldn't go over well at an Institute party. "Mine doesn't itch."_

_"I'm probably imagining. Oh, there, it's gone now."_

_Suki snickers, but she still feels a little odd. "We're parabatai now. Can you believe?"_

_"I'm already regretting it," Sokka says with a dramatic sigh. "I'm stuck with your stupid face forever."_

_"Tragic," Suki deadpans. "You wanna go amputate your arm so you don't have the rune anymore?"_

_"It seems as though I'll have to make that sacrifice," Sokka replies, jerking his chin towards Suki's side. "Because I don't see how anyone will be able to amputate a waist."_

_They both go silent for some time, trying to imagine it, but they both shake their heads at the same time. They have always been in sync, but it seems even more prominent now. Sokka laughs, his self-conscious little teenage-boy laugh._

_"I'm glad we're parabatai," he says._

_Suki tries to open her mouth to reply, but it's as if all the words have been stolen from her brain. The Institute folds in upon itself, and everything disappears._

* * *

When she opens her eyes, she's lying several feet away from Sokka. She must have stumbled away in the pain she'd felt earlier.

The pain she still feels, as if someone has removed one of her limbs.

In the distance, Sokka's body lies by the lake, as still as a statue.

With shaky hands and swift, halting movements, Suki reaches for the hem of her gear jacket and tugs it up, moving away the fabric of the shirt underneath to look for the familiar black Mark of her parabatai rune. 

She looks, and she finds it. But the parabatai rune, which had once been so comforting and familiar, so dark and prominent against her skin, has faded to a delicate, silvery white.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> downworlders= warlocks, vampires, faeries, werewolves, etc  
> the Angel= the Angel Raziel, the most powerful angel and essentially the main god-like figure of the shadowhunter 'religion'/ belief  
> the Mortal Instruments= a collection of powerful angelic artifacts


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no beta we die like jet

It's still dark when Suki opens her eyes to the sensation of someone shaking her gently.

Zuko leans over her, a sight as familiar as any. From the golden eyes and the dark hair down to the thin cord around his neck, just visible above the neck of his gear. "Hey," he says softly. There are tear tracks on his face. "Hey, it's okay."

It's not okay. It will never be okay.

She's not lying on the rocks by the lake anymore; she seems to be lying on some odd, canvas-like tarp. She tries to focus on her surroundings, and recognizes the dull orange color of one of the tents.

_Sokka._

Suki opens her mouth, trying to say his name, but nothing comes. Even trying to whisper hurts her throat and she gasps for air, as if her lungs have stopped working. 

"You lost your voice," Zuko says, very gently, his hand on her shoulder. Unable to say anything, Suki lifts her hand to tap her side, where her parabatai rune is. 

Was.

The tears that had been clinging to Zuko's eyelashes finally fall as he closes his eyes. "I'm sorry," he breathes. 

Suki shakes her bed, trying to move away from him. He releases her easily, bringing his knees up to his chest and hugging them. She tries and tries to speak, and eventually manages a few, wheezing words.

"I—want to see," she chokes out. "His body. I want to see it."

Zuko shakes his head. "They won't even let Katara see it."

"Who's _they?"_ Suki rasps, feeling suddenly infuriated. "I didn't—say the words."

The Shadowhunters have had a mourning tradition from the dawn of time, to honor their fallen companions in battle. You always had to kneel beside them, and say _ave atque vale._

_Hail and farewell._

"I have to see him," Suki says, intending to sound firm, but her voice comes out small and pleading. "I have to."

"The Silent Brothers have already taken him to the Silent City," Zuko replies, and Suki's dully alarmed to see the front of his gear torn open to reveal bandages covering his chest, already almost completely soaked with blood. He notes her gaze. "It's fine," he murmurs.

"Azula."

Zuko absentmindedly lifts a hand to the bandages. "Katara and I took care of it. And Toph and Aang actually—took care of Ozai."

Suki's heart plummets. "Katara," she mumbles. "She—"

"Needs to be alone," Zuko finishes, his voice soft. "It's over."

He goes silent then and Suki stares at the roof of the tent, unable to cry.

_Sokka._

Shadowhunters mourn with speed and efficiency. Even losing your parabatai is a quick business.

And yet, it seems as though nothing will be the same. Like everything that could have possibly happened in the future suddenly seems impossible and nonexistent, as if her story merely ends after tonight, the end of a long book.

Suki imagines a life in Tokyo without him, at least knowing that he's alive. Knowing, or at least assuming. It seems a thousand times better than the truth, the bitter reality of now.

She should cry. She should be crying right now. And yet she doesn't.

* * *

**four days later**

Suki's staring out the window when she hears the knock on her door.

"Can I come in?" says a muffled female voice from the other side of the door.

"Yes," Suki answers tonelessly, turning as she hears the door open. It's Zuko's mother, looking pale. 

"How are you?" Ursa asks, her voice irritatingly formal.

"Fine," Suki answers. She's not really sure what other answer she could possibly give.

Ursa looks uncomfortable. "I understand that—you don't want to talk to me about it. Or talk to anyone about it. But I—I also lost my parabatai once. And I'm just here to say that—I understand. To some extent, I know how it feels."

"It feels," Suki begins, feeling suddenly cold, "like someone took my heart out. Like there's nothing here." She lifts a hand to touch her chest. "And I can't imagine a time after that feeling. I can't even imagine a time where I won't feel that way now."

"Suki—"

"I was _in love_ with him," she says, the words coming out too fast and too loud now. "Did you know? No, of course, you didn't know. And _that's_ why he's dead."

Ursa merely stares at her, with an unreadable expression on her face. Suki hates it.

"I want to be alone right now," Suki says evenly.

Ursa nods and backs out of the room, and Suki doesn't move for a long time after she's gone.

* * *

Understandably so, she doesn't see Katara much over the next few days. All of the information Suki can get about her only comes from short, whispered conversations with Zuko, who, at the moment, is the only one who seems to be able to speak to Katara without invoking a fight of some sort.

"Maybe you should go and talk to her," Zuko says softly to Suki one day. "You guys are friends."

Suki is still on the bench they sit on. "It's my fault Sokka died."

"It's not."

"It is. Do you even know what happened?"

Zuko blinks. "I didn't want to ask."

Suki bites her lip and stares at her knees. 

His voice trembles on the next sentence. "Was it Azula?"

She shakes her head. "No. He did it to himself. With the Mortal Sword."

Zuko swallows. 

"The Cup and the Sword," Suki says softly. "Where are they now?"

"Locked away," he answers. "Along with Azula and Ozai."

Suki looks up. "They're still alive."

Zuko turns his head sharply towards her. "Yeah. They are."

Anger starts to float to the surface of her brain, nearly breaking the blanket of blank, unfeeling existence. Her mind is already starting to run away with the fantasy, Azula's blood splattered on the stone tiles of the Silent City.

Suki rises abruptly to her feet, but Zuko grabs her arm with lightning-speed. "I know what you're thinking."

"You don't know what I'm thinking," Suki spits, turning her head. "There was only one person who knew what I was thinking, and he's dead." 

"I don't want you to do something that you'll regret," he implores. "What even are you going to do?"

Suki jerks her arm out of his grasp. "That's none of your business."

He gets to his feet. "I'm coming with you."

"No, you're not," Suki mutters. "You should check on Katara."

He crosses his arms. "Suki."

"I'm just going down to the Gard," she tells him. "What could I possibly be doing in Alicante's government building that would cause issues?"

"Lots of things," Zuko replies, glaring at her. "What even is the point, huh? You wanna go ask the Consul to let you kill my sister?"

"No," Suki says, thinking fast. "I'm going to get myself transferred to the Tokyo Institute."

Zuko's entire demeanor changes immediately. "Wait," he splutters. "You—you want to leave?"

"I have nothing left to stay for in California."

"Yes, you do!" he exclaims. "You have Toph and Aang and—you have _me!_ Why would you want to leave us?"

"I _can't go back there!"_ Suki yells, pushing him away. "I can't go back there and live in the place where every single _fucking_ memory is of _him._ And I can't go back to the place where I have to see Katara and everyone else and just _know_ that it's my fault that he's gone! I can't do that. Not to you, and not to myself. I want to leave."

Zuko huffs, looking desperate. "You think it's that easy? You think moving across the world will just make you forget him? You think that'll make it easier to let go, to act like that never happened?"

"It'll be easier to live with," Suki replies. 

He scoffs. "That's a coward's way out."

Suki shakes her head. "You're not going to start a fight with me by calling me a coward. I don't care. Maybe I am."

Zuko backtracks immediately. "You're not."

"Well, fuck you. I don't care."

"You do."

"What do you want me to _say?"_ she snaps.

"I want you to tell me you're staying," Zuko shoots back. "I know you think it'll be easier to be far away from it all, but you'll be far away from your family. You _do_ have a family, and it's us. And I want—I need you to stay because you can't do this without us and we can't do this without you."

Suki's silent for a long time. It seems so much harder to come up with answers these days.

"I'm going to the Gard," she says finally. "Don't follow me."

Zuko, to his credit, listens.

* * *

"You're not supposed to be in here," some faceless Shadowhunter says as Suki crosses the marble halls, but she doesn't listen. And for whatever reason, the Shadowhunter doesn't really have it in him to stop her. She finds the Consul's office easily enough, and shoves the door open.

Consul Carstairs sits at her desk, and Suki is alarmed by how young she looks. Her golden brown hair is tied back, and there are large shadows under her eyes.

"You should not be here," she sighs.

"Azula Herondale is imprisoned in the Silent City," Suki says, and not as a question.

"Awaiting trial by the very sword she attempted to steal, yes," the Consul says, watching Suki's expression. "Death is not one of the punishments of the Nephilim."

 _My parabatai is dead because of her,_ Suki's about to say, but it seems shockingly insignificant now.

"Is that all?" the Consul says.

"She—" Suki starts, then shakes her head, the anger in her body rising and rising. "Whatever happens to her will be better than what she deserves."

The Consul rises from her seat and walks past Suki in a fluid movement. "That's the way of life. Whether you're Nephilim or not."

She's gone from the office before Suki can respond, presumably for some meeting or another. Her head spins, and the dullness she's felt ever since Sokka's death abates to let anger consume her entirely.

_He's dead because of me._

_He's dead and he's never, ever coming back._

_He will never come back._

_And that's all because of you._

She kicks the chair nearest to her, knocking it to the ground. For the first time in a long time, Suki cries and cries, her breath coming in sharp gasps. 

_I just want you to come back. I just want this nightmare to be over and I want you to come back so badly it hurts._

Suki puts her face in her hands, sobbing. She wishes Sokka was here to hold her tightly, so tightly that it would probably hurt. But he would be here, whispering jokes against her skin until she stopped crying. He would be here and everything would be okay.

It really seems to hurt the most now, the reality of what's to come. The future of missing him. Missing him, needing him, and losing him every day, over and over.

_I want you to come back._

_I don't know what happens without you._

_I don't know how to live with the fact that I killed you._

Suki's not exactly sure how or when it happens, but her anger surges and her fist connects with the delicate stained-glass window of the Consul's office. The glass shatters and Suki screams as pieces of the glass get stuck in her skin, and she falls to her knees, crying even harder. 

She puts her forehead on her knees, shaking. _I just want you to come back._

Sokka was never going to come back.

The door to the office opens, and she looks up, surrounded by broken glass.

"Thought I'd find you here," Zuko says quietly, kneeling in front of her and taking her hands. 

"Who let you in?" Suki asks, tears clinging to her eyelashes. 

"The Consul," he says. "Here, get up. We need to get this glass out of your hands."

He tugs her up, and doesn't seem surprised when she falls against him, too weak to even fully put her arms around his body.

"This was never supposed to happen," she says shakily, her words muffled by Zuko's shirt. "He was supposed to live. I was supposed to go away to Tokyo and never see him again."

"Would that have solved the problem?" Zuko asks softly, putting his cheek against her hair.

"As far as I know," she replies. "At least he would've been _alive."_

Zuko guides her out of the office and she lets him, unable to fight back anymore.

He takes her outside, and all the way back to the weapons shop. He makes her sit down in one of the chairs as he kneels in front of her and starts to remove the pieces of glass.

"Does it hurt?" he asks after a moment. "When I take the glass out?"

"No," she answers tonelessly. This isn't a lie—she can barely feel it as Zuko delicately pulls the shards of glass from her skin.

He looks up at her. "You can tell me if it does."

"It doesn't."

He sighs. "Okay, well, I'll give you a healing rune, but you'll still need some bandages."

"Okay," she murmurs. It seems suddenly impossible to string together more than three words in a sentence. 

Zuko rises to his feet to go get some bandages, and he returns looking as pale and sad as he had before. 

"What did Azula do to you?" Suki asks suddenly.

He lifts the hem of his shirt to show an angry red star-shaped scar on his chest. "Same demon magic my father performed to give me this." He points to the scar around his eye. "I almost died. But Katara saved me."

Zuko lowers the shirt and kneels in front of her again, delicately drawing _iratzes_ on her palm and knuckles, before taking out the bandages and wrapping them around her hand. When he's done, he wordlessly pulls Suki into a hug. 

His embrace is not the same as Sokka's, but Suki tries to draw comfort from it nonetheless. It's not much at that moment, but it's something.

"I miss him," she admits.

"I know," Zuko replies. "Me, too."

It is all either of them have the strength to say.

* * *

Kyoshi finds Suki outside a few hours later, arms crossed and eyes glamoured.

"Heard you broke stuff in the Consul's office," she says.

Suki nods, shrugging.

Kyoshi kneels in front of her. "Can I propose something?"

"I can't exactly say no, can I?"

The warlock sighs. "Suki, I have been alive for a very long time. I have lost a lot of people. And—it may not be much, but there's something that—helps. After each loss."

Suki sighs. "I'm not interested."

"You don't even want to hear it?"

"No."

Kyoshi sighs. "I'm telling you anyway. Every time I lost someone important to me, I wrote them a letter."

Suki looks up. "That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard."

"It _does_ sound stupid," Kyoshi concedes. "Sometimes I burned the letters. Sometimes I kept them. Sometimes I dropped them in the ocean. Whatever I did with them, it helped. It's not the same as talking to the person you lost again, but it's something. It's a way of saying goodbye."

The ground at Suki's feet begins to swirl with dust, until a fancy, old-looking pen floats up in front of her face. Suki reaches up and grabs it.

"I won't be wanting that back," Kyoshi says softly, and then she's gone.

* * *

Later that night, Suki finally crumbles. She finds some old stationery that Ursa had kept, and she sets it down on the table in her guest bedroom.

_It's a way of saying goodbye._

She lowers the pen to the paper, and then she writes.

* * *

_ Sokka, _

_ Kyoshi asked me to try and write a letter to you. I wanted it to seem like I found the idea stupid and unnecessary, but I realized that she might have been right. Kyoshi’s lost a lot of people; she’s been alive for a long time. Makes sense since she’s a Downworlder, right? _

_ She doesn’t care what I do with this letter. I don’t even know what I’m going to do with this letter. I’m not good at this sort of thing, but I have to try, for you. You would have done the same for me. _

_ I hate how everyone is doing that now; talking about you in the past tense. I mean, it’s not like I don’t know what happened. I know the truth, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that it was all one endless nightmare. I want so desperately to wake up and come to the realization that none of this ever happened, but I also know that it’ll never, ever be like that. We are Nephilim. We have to know what it’s like to lose something. Death is a normal part of who we are; death is our life, really. Granted, you were (slash) are my parabatai, and I guess I’m being cut a little bit of slack.  _

_ But I know what they’re thinking. I know they need me to understand that Shadowhunters lose their friends all the time. But you’re not my friend, Sokka.You have never just been my friend. For as long as I can remember, you’ve been a million times more important than someone who could just fit into one useless word.  _

_ I know it was wrong, but I love you.  _

_ I have loved a lot of people in a lot of ways in the past few years; I’ve loved people for days, weeks, months. But I have always loved you, and I have always loved you more than I ever got to love anyone else. You are the one great love of my entire life, and anyone can tell me that I’m too young to know that for sure, and I know all of them will be wrong.  _

_ I thought I had lost everything until I met you. And if that doesn’t count for something, I don’t know what will. _

_ Maybe it’s unhealthy of me, but I won’t think about you in the past tense yet. I think people will assume it’s a bad coping mechanism, but it’s not.  _

_ I hate that everyone now considers you as nothing more than a memory. Someone who used to exist, someone who used to say that, who used to do this; I can’t stand by and watch it happen. You have given me the best memories of my entire life, but that’s not all you are. You’re not a memory, Sokka. You are everything to me.  _

_ I dream about you on the beach. I’m always with you. Sometimes we’re talking, sometimes we’re swimming. Sometimes we sit on the sand and we do nothing at all. But we’re always together, the way we always have been. And there’s always you. _

_ I dream about you on the beach. But most importantly, I just dream about you; I always have and I always will. _

_ You are my dream. In every single sense of the word. _

_ Suki _

* * *

They Portal back to the Los Angeles Institute the following day, without any funeral or service. It seems odd to Suki on some dull, unreachable level of her brain, but a part of her is glad.

She wouldn't be able to sit through something like that.

Suki goes to Sokka's room first, unaware of what the others are doing. She can't really find it in herself to care.

The first thing she does is set the letter down on his desk. Then she walks over to his closet and pulls out one of his jackets, pulling it on over her clothes in a motion as fluid and easy as breathing.

_I miss you._

And then, of course, she stares at the walls. She is surrounded by herself, and Sokka, smiling at various intervals in their life. Her life was so full of him, just as his life was so full of hers.

And it hurts. It hurts that that's all she can see in his room.

But it's impossible to leave, so for a long time, she stands. She stands wearing Sokka's jacket, watching herself grow up with him on a sunny beach in California through a series of fading pictures.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no beta we die like jet

Summer enters its second, more moderate half. Evenings get easier to bear, and the promise of fall brings occasional rain.

Suki's been home for about a week, and it's been quiet in the Institute. Iroh is still in Alicante, attending to some post-war business.

Katara had been talking to Suki, but never more than necessary. Suki, however, tries to not take it to heart; Katara isn't interacting with anyone much, with the rare exception of Zuko.

For the most part, Suki doesn't try much to interact with Katara. Whether it's because she's scared of what will happen or because she respects her need to grieve, Suki isn't sure. She's not even sure whether she cares how her actions paint her these days.

She spends time at the beach a lot. The brief period of rain brought on by the prospect of autumn drains the ocean of color, sucking out the turquoise hues and turning the water grey and metallic. Overall, Suki likes when the beach gets like this. The fog that seems to perpetually hang over the horizon makes the water seem as though it leads to nowhere, as if Suki sits at the very edge of the world

On the seventh day, Zuko comes down to the beach to join her on the sand. The black sweatshirt he wears makes his skin seem even paler in the watery sunlight peering through at intervals in the blanket of clouds.

"Hey," he says, sitting down next to her. 

"Hi," she responds. 

"Thought I'd find you here," he says, fiddling with the thin cord around his neck. "You always come to the beach when you have a lot to think about."

"Weirdly enough, I'm not really thinking about anything," she admits. This isn't exactly a lie—everything seems to be a dull haze in her brain now. She wonders if it will ever change, but is also fully ready to believe that it won't.

"Everyone's always thinking about something," Zuko says quietly. "No one ever really thinks of _nothing._ And if they think of what they imagine to be nothing, then they're thinking of something." He catches sight of the look on Suki's face and then laughs, a little self-consciously. "Though I doubt you wanna hear my existential rants."

"Better that than anything else," she replies quietly.

Zuko watches her for a moment, looking as though he would like to say something. But he doesn't, and merely opts to look at the ocean instead.

"How's Katara?" Suki asks.

"Better," Zuko answers.

"Is she really?"

"I think you should talk to her," he replies. "Sokka—" he chokes a little on the name, "Sokka meant so much to both of you. If there's anyone who can understand each other's loss, it's you two. But then, I guess that requires honesty. And no one really owes anyone any honesty right now."

"You think so?"

"I know so. That's why I'm not getting mad whenever people give me cryptic answers about what they're doing now. We just came out of a war with heavy losses. Everyone lost something. Some of us lost everything."

"Do you feel like you lost something?" Suki asks.

"I lost my best friend," Zuko answers, his voice slightly quieter now. "And I feel like I'm about to lose another," he adds pointedly.

Suki sighs.

"I know you're still thinking about leaving. Or, I can make a pretty well-educated guess."

"I just think," she begins, trying to keep her voice perfectly even and impassive, "that maybe things would be better if I went away to Tokyo."

"That's not true," Zuko replies sharply. "Do you think that you have nothing left to stay in Los Angeles for?"

"Do I?"

He blinks, looking suddenly vulnerable. "Your family's still here. We're still here and we don't want you to leave. _I_ don't want you to leave. I mean—you're like my sister, Suki. You're like the sister that I _should_ have had, and I don't want to lose you."

"Maybe I'm tired of caring about what others want," Suki says quietly. "I'm not saying it's all I do, but I'm saying that maybe—maybe I want to be selfish. It'll be easier in Tokyo. Easier to forget it all."

Zuko fixes her with a searching gaze. "Do you really _want_ to forget it all?"

She's not sure how to respond to the question. 

"Never mind," Zuko murmurs. "Forget I asked."

After a moment, Suki leans against him, pressing her shoulder against his. He collapses a little as well, and they hold each other up.

"I love you," she says.

"Me, too," Zuko sighs. "As in, I love you, too. Not as in 'I also love myself'. I don't love myself."

Suki laughs a little, and it's slightly distorted by the prospect of coming tears. "You should."

He laughs a little, his shoulder shaking against hers.

"I miss Sokka," he says after a moment. "I mean, maybe not as much as you and Katara do, but close. He was also my best friend."

There it is, that single use of the word _was_ that makes Suki's heart ache.

A single tear falls down her cheek.

"I'm sorry," Zuko says. "I shouldn't have said that."

"No, it's okay," she says hastily. "I just—I just didn't really know how to respond to that. I don't really know how to talk about him like this now."

Zuko doesn't answer her. Maybe Suki imagines it, but a few tears of his own cling to his eyelashes.

* * *

Later that night, Suki scrubs absentmindedly at the dishes that have accumulated in the sink of the Institute's kitchen. It's something that she used to do with Sokka, but Suki can't really afford to think of that right now.

A few minutes later, Katara enters the kitchen, her hair tied back. Her eyes are slightly red, but for the most part, she looks as perfectly put together as always.

"Hey," she says. "Need help with those?"

Suki glances down at the sink.

"I could use an extra hand," she concedes.

Katara nods and walks over to join her on the other side of the countertop, reaching for one of the dishes. 

"I've been meaning to talk to you," Suki admits. "But I wasn't really sure how I would—approach you in the first place. And then I wasn't really sure what I could possibly say to you." She sighs. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," Katara murmurs softly. "I was in the same boat, to be honest. I should have said something."

Suki shakes her head. "You don't owe me anything."

Katara sets down her dish so abruptly that she nearly breaks it. "Yes, I do. You were—you're his parabatai. You guys are everything to each other."

Suki takes a little bit of comfort in not being the only one to refer to Sokka in the present tense. "I'm supposed to get over it one day."

"You're not," Katara answers, her voice slightly uneven. "I know you were more than his parabatai?"

Suki looks up, her hands frozen over the forgotten dishes. "What?"

Katara looks apologetic. "He—he told me."

"That we—?"

"Yeah."

Suki takes a deep, trembling breath. "Then you know that it was my fault."

"It wasn't."

"It was. This _never_ would have happened if I had just never fallen in love with him. Or at least if I wasn't selfish enough to try and understand what it would be like to love him."

"He loved you, too, you know," Katara shoots back, her voice firm now. "More than almost anything else."

"And look where that got him," Suki answers, her voice cracking. "He's dead. And I know that you'll never forgive me for it and I know that you never should."

Katara swallows. "I don't blame you. You know I don't blame you."

"Why are you being like this?" Suki exclaims. "Your brother just—he just _died,_ and you must be looking for someone to blame. And I'm right here! I'm right here, Katara, because it was _my_ actions that caused him to die. So why can't you just—why can't you just make this easier on yourself and put all the responsibility on me? Why can't you accept the truth about what happened?"

"Because it's _not_ the truth," Katara spits. "The only person I blame for Sokka's death is Azula."

"He _stabbed_ himself with the Mortal Sword," Suki says, shaking. "So that he would die and break the parabatai bond, and make us useless. There was—there was a curse that happened when two parabatai fell in love, making them exceptionally strong and unstable until they became true Nephilim or something and eventually died. And Sokka _died_ to save us. To save me."

Katara's knuckles are white on the edge of the table. "Shadowhunters aren't powerful enough to use Maellertach like that—"

"Well, Sokka did. And so did I. I nearly killed Azula with the Mortal Sword." Suki shakes her head, unable to look at Katara any longer and count all the similarities between her face and Sokka's. "And I as good as killed Sokka with it, too."

Katara's fingers relax. "You didn't. Suki, I'm—losing him breaks me every single day," she admits in a weak voice. "But I don't blame you for it."

"You should." Suki shakes her head, fresh tears rising to the surface. She hates how much she cries these days. "I blame myself. I can't stop blaming myself."

Katara sighs slightly. "I know. I wish I could make you understand that you don't have to."

"You shouldn't forgive me."

After a moment, Suki feels arms wrap around her tentatively. "If the world was all about what we should or shouldn't do, nothing good would ever happen."

Suki grits her teeth and nods.

"I know you don't want to do it now and I know you don't want to do it soon," Katara begins, "but I want you to talk to me. I just want you to talk to me and I want you to _know_ that I can. And I know it'll be hard for both of us, but you're my best friend. And I know that we can at least talk. One day."

_One day._

It's hard to think about the future now.

* * *

She comes back to the beach. She always does, at some point.

Suki likes the empty space, the endless water. It makes it almost easier to try and understand the enormity of all that has happened.

Zuko joins her, as he often does.

"Hey," he says, settling down on the sand beside her. "I'm just here to check on you."

"Thanks," she mumbles.

He nods and hugs his knees to his chest. 

"Toph and Aang are going to become parabatai," he tells her.

Through the dull blanket of blankness in her mind, anger starts to form, hot and painful. 

_How could they do this so easily? How could this happen?_

_How could they have this when I lost everything because of it?_

Her fingers curl into tight fists, trapping clumps of sand in her palms. Zuko reaches out and taps her knuckles after a moment, and she uncurls her fingers.

"I'm sorry," she mumbles. "I shouldn't have reacted like that."

"I don't blame you," he murmurs. "I didn't really expect you to react any other way. Maybe worse."

"I shouldn't have been so selfish," Suki murmurs. "But I still love him. After everything that happened, I still love him."

Zuko rests his chin in his hands. "You talk about him as if he's still here."

If anyone else had said this, Suki might have punched them. But now, she just sighs. "He is here. Not in the way I need him to be, but he is."

Zuko shrugs, running a hand through his hair. "I guess."

"I like to think about an alternate universe," Suki admits after a moment.

He looks at her. "What's different in that universe?"

Suki rubs the back of her neck, feeling a little self-conscious. "I imagine that Sokka and I never became parabatai." She looks at Zuko. "Do you think I still would have fallen in love with him?"

Zuko has to consider this for a moment.

"Yeah, you would have."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

Suki looks down.

"Maybe _we_ would have been parabatai instead," Zuko says, then blushes. "But then again, that's weird. Because even though I know Sokka would have love you no matter what, I only see _him_ as your parabatai."

"I would've liked it to be you," Suki says. "I told you that before."

He blushes even more, if possible. "I didn't think you meant it."

She swallows. "Of course I meant it."

They're silent for a while.

"Let's talk about something else," she blurts. "Anything else."

"Alright," Zuko says. "My mom's going back to Paris. Apparently she—uh, she has a family."

Suki looks up at him. "She remarried?"

"Not in a Shadowhunter ceremony. Yet," Zuko adds. "It's just—it's really weird. I have a little sister, actually. A half-sister."

"Oh, wow."

"I don't know," he continues. "Up until a few weeks ago, I didn't even _know_ whether my mother was alive or not. And I guess I feel a little resentful because she waited so long before telling me about everything else. I mean, it's not like I assumed she didn't have a life, but I wish—I wish she had told me that she had a whole other family that I didn't know about." He sighs slightly. "But I guess I can't blame her. She doesn't know me."

"I'm sure she does."

"She doesn't. She knows what I was like when I was six, and I'm obviously not the same person twelve years later," Zuko tells her.

"You got her back," Suki says after a moment. "Maybe it's hard, but you should try. To adjust and bring her back into your life. I think it'll be worth it." 

"I guess you're right," he concedes. "I am luckier than most in this department."

He doesn't sound terribly pleased about it.

"Right," Suki murmurs.

Zuko fidgets. "You talked to Katara?"

"Yeah."

"Did it go well?"

Suki shrugs. "It went as well as she could."

Zuko sighs and touches Suki's back. "You know she doesn't blame you, right?"

"She told me that."

"But you don't believe it."

Suki swallows. "It's a little hard to accept."

"Yeah," he mumbles. "I imagine that it is."

* * *

Back at the Institute, there's someone waiting for them. Kyoshi stands at the front door, leaning against it with elegant impatience. She softens a bit at the sight of them. "My favorite Shadowhunter," she says warmly.

Suki and Zuko exchange a glance. _Which one of us?_ he mouths.

"Do you want your pen back?" Suki asks, looking back at the warlock.

"No. I was hoping to just talk to you about something, if that's alright with you."'

Suki swallows, feeling suddenly apprehensive. "Okay."

"I know you just came from there, but let's go to the beach. As she walks, she touches Zuko's cheek in a startlingly motherly gesture before continuing onward. Suki chances one more look at Zuko before following Kyoshi.

"So what did you want to talk to me about?" Suki asks, as they cross the road leading to the Institute's driveway and to the sandy area. 

"The truth," Kyoshi answers. "About your parabatai."

Suki freezes in her steps. "What?"

"Keep walking," Kyoshi answers impatiently. Suki obeys reluctantly, and doesn't stop until they reach the water again, with its metallic waves roiling in the distance.

"Let's talk about the Mortal Sword," the warlock says.

Suki puts her hands in her pockets, feeling impatient. "What about it?"

Kyoshi glances sideways at her, her glowing eyes no longer hidden by a glamour. "Maellertach is infused with heavenly fire. And heavenly fire burns out all that is cursed."

A spike of confusion rises in Suki's brain. "Isn't it 'burns out all that is demonic?"

"No," she answers. "All that is _cursed."_

Suki looks up. It can't be...

"You see where I'm going with this, don't you?"

"Not sure. Maybe," Suki replies. "Sokka—he—" She shakes her head, afraid to even utter the next words. "Is he not—is he alive?"

She feels stupid as soon as she says it.

"When Sokka stabbed himself with the Mortal Sword, he didn't die immediately."

"Well, I _know_ that," Suki breathes. "I was with him, after he did that. And then he—"

"He didn't die even then," Kyoshi implores.

"That's impossible," Suki hisses. "I felt it happen. I _felt_ him die."

"You felt the parabatai bond break," Kyoshi says. "But you did not feel him die."

Suki stares.

Kyoshi huffs. "It's simple. Your bond was cursed. The Mortal Sword broke the bond and therefore the curse."

"Sokka stabbed himself with the Nephilim's most powerful sword! He wouldn't have lived either way." Suki isn't sure why she's suddenly so hell-bent on accepting that Sokka really is dead and gone, but it strangely sounds better than what Kyoshi could be saying. 

"You're right," Kyoshi concedes. "And the Silent Brothers did not think he would survive at first. But they took his body from the banks and Lake Lyn and they did whatever they could. They worked for days and days, and they saved him."

Suki shakes her head. And then she drops, coming to sit down hard on the sand.

"Sokka's alive," she says. The words feel strange on her tongue.

"Yes."

Suki looks up. "Why the _fuck_ didn't anyone tell me?"

"Because no one knew," Kyoshi sighs. "And the ones that did weren't sure that he'd stay that way for long. But the Silent Brothers are sure now, and they told me. So now I'm here telling you."

Suki lets out a shaky breath. "He's not my parabatai anymore."

"No," Kyoshi agrees. "But he's alive."

* * *

Sokka comes home about a week later.

Suki is on the beach when it happens. The loss of her parabatai has become easier to bear now, less like the loss of a limb. It feels now like the removal of a cast, after having worn it for a long time. A little insecure without the stability and security it provided, but suddenly easier to breathe.

Even without the bond, she can sense him coming, in his footsteps on the sand. When he finally enters her vision, the sun shines right behind his head, creating a halo around his face. Despite the sea breeze, he wears a short-sleeved t-shirt, drawing her gaze to his arm.

Where his parabatai rune should be, but isn't. There isn't even a scar, like Suki has. It's as if it was never there.

He looks a little thinner, a few more bandages than usual on him, but alive. Alive, so perfect and so him that she almost cries right there.

"I got your letter," he says.

Suki watches him as he sits down beside her and turns his head to the ocean.

"I'm glad you did," she replies.

They don't talk for a long time, as they sit and watch the ocean. They do not have to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the line 'everyone lost something. some of us lost everything.' is from 'tales from the shadowhunter academy' by cassandra clare
> 
> NEXT CHAPTER EPILOGUE


	16. epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no beta we die like jet

"No— _stop! Stop touching me!"_

Suki glances up to see Sokka holding a piece of seaweed while nearly crouching in front of Zuko, who looks faintly green. "Do _not_ come near me with that."

"Sorry," Sokka says, not sounding sorry at all. He raises his hands in surrender, before tackling Zuko into the water. Zuko yowls and shoves Sokka away, who emerges unscathed because he already has his shirt off.

"I hate you," Zuko mumbles, stumbling out of the water, his shirt sopping wet. Both he and Katara pause before he pulls it off, his hands instinctively rising to touch the scar on his chest. He offers them a self-deprecating smile before going to sit down on the sand, far away from the water. In the corner of Suki's vision, Katara kneels next to Zuko and talks quietly to him, gesturing towards the scar.

"Hey," Sokka says, sitting down next to her, shaking his head a little to send water droplets flying. "What are you thinking about?"

"Your mom."

He puts a hand to his chest. "No," he gasps.

"It's true," she says with a small smile, knocking her shoulder into his. "What about you? What are you thinking about?"

A light blush colors his cheeks. "Lots of things."

She shrugs. "You wanna tell me about one of them?"

Sokka lifts his hand and tucks a stray piece of Suki's hair behind her ear, but retracts his hand just as fast. "Sorry," he says.

"Don't be," she says after a moment. Impulsively, she reaches for his hand. "You can do that now. If you want."

"If I want?"

"If you want."

Sokka smiles, and it's one of the best things Suki's seen. "Yeah. I want to." He pulls his hand out of hers to touch her hair again, and the rest of the world dissolves. 

"I didn't think I would get you back," she admits. "I thought I would have to leave this place forever and try to forget you."

He laughs a little. "I'm glad you stayed long enough for me to come back."

"I'm glad I did," Suki tells him. "And I'm glad you came back."

He suddenly looks nervous, biting his lip. "Your letter—we didn't really get a chance to talk about it."

"What's there to talk about?"

Sokka puts his hand on her face. "Everything, really. Everything you said." His smile widens slightly. "I didn't know you were so poetic. Usually you just leave the theatrics to me."

"Oh, shut up," she mutters, subconsciously leaning into his touch.

"Have you really loved me for that long?"

Suki puts a hand on top of his. "How could I not?"

Sokka blushes. "Seriously?"

"What, you don't believe me?"

"I do! It's just—have you known? All this time, have you known that you love me?"

"No," Suki admits. "I didn't realize until it was too late."

"I knew," Sokka says quietly. "I knew for a while. I hid that from you for a long time."

She frowns. "How long?"

Sokka smiles a little, brushing his thumb over her cheekbone. "You know the party that happens to celebrate a new pair of parabatai?"

"Yeah."

"You were wearing a green dress," he tells her. "Light green, and it had daisies in it. Your hair was still long back then," he adds, looking simultaneously fond and a little embarrassed. "I saw you come out of your room wearing that dress, and I—I don't know. We were so young back then, but I was already regretting it a little. Going through with the ceremony. Which is weird because I'm the one who asked you."

Suki looks at him for a long time.

"I could probably still fit into that dress," she says thoughtfully. "If you liked it so much."

Sokka starts snickering, leaning forward and resting his forehead against her shoulder. "I did like that dress. But that's not the point. I'm saying that I've probably been in love with you since the very first conversation we had together, and I realized it that day. The day we became parabatai." He shakes his head. "Too late."

"Hey," Suki murmurs, putting a hand under his chin and tilting his face up so she can look at him. "It's not too late."

He swallows, looking nervous. "So you want this? Me?"

Suki puts her hands on either side of his face. "I do," she says, her throat dry. "I really, _really_ do."

He grins at her right up until their lips meet, eyes fluttering shut as he lifts a hand to put it in her hair again, cradling her head. It's not the kisses of desperation and hurried urgency they'd had before, but a kiss that says many more will come. Toph and Aang yell in the background for them to stop, but Suki only smiles against Sokka's mouth and kisses him again.

* * *

Christmas at the Los Angeles Institute has always been a relatively quiet affair, with patrols all day and Christmas movies always on in the theater room, no matter who's home. That, and a nice dinner before someone leaves for the night patrol.

Suki wakes up early on Christmas morning, slightly coming down the stairs to see Zuko and Katara kneeling by the large tree in the living room.

"You're not supposed to be here!" Katara hisses indignantly, turning her head to see Suki walking towards them.

Suki shrugs. "I always wake up early."

Katara glares at her. "Not on Christmas!"

"Oh, whatever," Zuko mutters. "Help me wrap this. He hands her a large cardboard box and a large tube of metallic green wrapping paper.

"Who's present is this?" she asks, beginning to wrap it.

"Yours," Zuko says.

Suki glares at him.

"He's kidding," Katara says, reaching out to pull his ear, making him yelp. "Aren't you?"

"I don't kid about anything," he says with a dramatic sigh. Katara rolls her eyes, but there's a smile hovering at the corner of her lips. 

"So," Suki says, "we still have to go on our travel years. Including Katara, since she turned eighteen four days ago."

"Actually, we—I—" Zuko stammers for a bit, then glances at Katara. "You wanna tell her?"

She grins, barely able to contain her excitement. "Zuko and I are—well—doing our travel year together in Paris."

"Oh, _wow,"_ Suki says, a little surprised. "Paris? Like—a year long date? Is that even allowed?"

Zuko rolls his eyes. "It is allowed. And—well—it's not exactly a date. We're going to find my mother."

"Find?" 

"She disappeared after the battle," Katara says, her tone a bit more somber now. "But not before telling Zuko she would go back to Paris, and that she was expecting him to find her."

Suki feels a touch of irritation on Zuko's behalf. "That's a lot to put on him after everything else Ursa told him."

"It is," Zuko concedes. "But you were right, Suki. She _is_ my mother."

She pauses for a moment before reaching out and touching his shoulder. "I'm glad."

"What about you?" Katara asks. "What are you going to do for your travel year?"

Suki twists her fingers with one hand. "I don't know. Normally I was supposed to go somewhere Sokka _wouldn't_ go, and now I'm not sure. We're still thinking of different places, and I'm not really ready to spend a whole year away from him after everything that happened." She laughs. "That makes me sound clingy, doesn't it?"

Katara smiles sympathetically. "I think we _all_ want to keep an eye on him. It's like dying made him the baby of the Institute or something."

"He didn't technically die."

"Right. But you know what I'm saying."

Suki finishes wrapping the present. It doesn't look as neat as Zuko and Katara's work, so she puts it down. "I think I'm going to go back upstairs."

"Yeah, you'd be doing us a favor," Zuko mutters, picking up the box Suki wrapped and staring critically at it.

"Blah blah."

She walks up the stairs and straight to Sokka's room, knocking on the door. He pushes it open within seconds, grinning. "Merry Happy Good Christmas day," he says, pulling her into his room. 

"Are you _ever_ going to say it normally?" Suki says, kicking the door shut behind her. "Every single year you _have_ to say some weird shit."

"Merry Christmas on its own sounds weird, and I will maintain that principle until I die," he announces firmly, letting go of her hand to start making his bed.

Suki grins and crosses her arms. "I don't see any point in doing that," she tells him.

He pauses in fluffing up his pillow. "Uh—why?"

"Because," Suki begins, "I think it's going to get messed up again."

Sokka's in front of her in seconds, kissing her with smiles in between than can barely fit on his face. "I love you," he tells her. 

"And I love you," Suki replies, and she could say it a thousand times if she could. Her heart pounds, but she feels perfectly calm and in place.

Happy.

They still smile even as his back hits the bed.

* * *

Later than evening, just before dinner, she catches Zuko and Katara sitting at the piano in one of the Institute's unused rooms. Zuko's talking softly to Katara, lifting her hands to place them on the keys. She says something that makes him smile, and he gives a response that has her laughing and leaning into him. Suki smiles slightly at the sight before continuing on towards the kitchen when she runs right into Sokka. 

"Oh, hi," he says. "How are you?"

Suki snorts. "Good, thank you. On your way to the kitchen?"

He shrugs. "Always am at some point." He looks up. "Oh. Look."

Suki glances up to see mistletoe dangling from the archway.

"You put that up," she accuses. "Just now."

"Did not!" Sokka protests indignantly, then smiles. "But I don't mind it being here."

"What a cliche," Suki mumbles, but she rises to the tips of her toes and tugs his head down for a good, long kiss.

He pulls away looking a little dazed. "Suki," he says softly.

"Yeah?"

"I know it's probably against the rules," Sokka says, putting his hands on her hips. "But can I kiss you one more time?"

Suki smiles at him before standing on her toes again, letting him lean forward and kiss her gently. 

"You can kiss me as many times as you want," she says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg.... i can't believe we're at the end. i literally cannot believe it bro
> 
> just kidding !!!!!! sokka's pov coming soon !! and happy birthday han ilsym

**Author's Note:**

> ages !!  
> sokka-18  
> suki-18  
> zuko-18  
> katara-17  
> aang-15  
> toph-15  
> katara and sokka's last name means polar star in the native language of inuttut
> 
> beta'd by the lovely hannah, iman, and cece !! love y'all


End file.
